


Gone

by yorozuyas



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Complete, Eventual Relationships, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Inspired by Music, M/M, Musicians, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Slow Build, i dont know how to use tags, there is also TakaZura here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 17:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5257274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yorozuyas/pseuds/yorozuyas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the four minute mark, where the notes slowly get faster, he knew something was wrong. The boy was off-key, and then there was a pause. What came after was a horrible sound, like a random set of keys being smashed – and then there was nothing, except for the image of the silver-haired boy passed out on stage burned into their minds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i.

**_THEN:_ **

   A small silver haired boy from a non-well-known orphanage had only been five when he was adopted into the wealthy and prestigious Yoshida family. He had never known his own parents, so getting adopted into a family, though not his own, made him happy. Yoshida Shouyou, the head of the family, had never gotten married and he had no siblings of his own. No one would be the next heir if something were to ever happen to Shouyou, and so he adopted a kid.

   The boy had never shown any signs of being frail nor weak when he was younger. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He was lively, obnoxious and loud. Even though he never had a lot of friends, he would still try and get along with the other kids, but get shunned in the end because he wasn’t a true Yoshida.

   Shouyou, upon seeing this, decided to let him take piano lessons. At least this way, he would have something to do rather than staring at the window and play by himself whenever he gave up on trying to get along with the other kids. He agreed to take the lessons, and so Shouyou got Kondo Isao to teach him the piano.

   Learning the piano was a pure bliss for the small boy. Through his lessons and recitals, he met two other boys from two of the most powerful families in the country; Shinsuke Takasugi and Katsura Kotaro. The three of them quickly became friends since they all liked doing the same thing: playing the piano.

   However, as the years passed by, the two boys couldn’t help but notice that the small, silver haired boy grew paler and weaker each day. When the two confronted him about this one day, he’d said it was because he was tired. There were times when the boys would notice him randomly staying still, hand on his chest and wincing, as though it hurt to breathe. They asked him what was wrong, but he assured them that it was nothing, and though reluctantly, they put it in the back of their minds.

   Now they were aged fifteen, and were waiting patiently for their turn before they went to compete for their piano recitals. Kondo was telling them not to be nervous and that it was just like playing in front of their parents and house guests during special occasions.

    Katsura had been observing the boy ever since they’d gotten here. He knew his condition – whatever it was – was worsening. He would wince more frequently and then, when he thought no one was looking, he would subtly start clawing at the skin of his chest. This definitely had caught Katsura’s attention. Unfortunately, just as he was about to ask him about it, he was called up onto the stage, leaving him very concerned about his friend.

    Soon it was Takasugi’s turn and finally, the silver haired boy. A tremor passed through his entire body, cold sweat trailing down his back. His chest ached as his heart beat furiously against it and swallowed thickly as he teetered on stage. Stars were dancing in his eyes as he faced the judges, bowed– very ungracefully, because he could barely see what was in front of him – and wobbled his way towards the piano.

    Trying to calm his nerves down, he took three deep breaths and began to play. His fingers were stiff from nervousness at first, but slowly disappeared as he eased into playing. His piece was one of the hardest to play, which made everything a lot more difficult and challenging for him. But he had been practicing it for so long, so what could go wrong, right?

   Kondo Isao had always liked the way the boy played the piano; so elegant and sophisticated. He put all his emotions into playing the piano. But he was not playing like that today. After the four minute mark, where the notes slowly get faster, he knew something was wrong. The boy was off-key, and then there was a pause. What came after was a horrible sound, like a random set of keys being smashed – and then there was nothing, except for the image of the silver-haired boy passed out on stage burned into their minds.

 

**********

 

**_NOW:_ **

 

   Sakata Gintoki, the same silver haired boy from ten years ago, was not an ambitious man. He had passion and dedication for playing music, but other than that, nothing. He loved and enjoyed it when he had to play music for other people.

   Because of the heart condition he was diagnosed with when he was fifteen, he didn’t really get the chance to go out as often. Shouyou would let him go out every now and then, but he had to be with someone, whether it be Katsura and Takasugi or a bodyguard. He wasn’t allowed to do any strenuous work either, and he had to take pills every now and then.

   Though he wasn’t allowed to go out, save for his piano lessons, Katsura and Takasugi would often sneak into his room and keep him company. They’d been friends for so long, Gintoki couldn’t even imagine a life without them. Speaking of which, they should be entering his room by now. Gintoki sat up straight on his bed and eyed the opened window right in front of his bed.

    Moments later, Katsura came flying in with Takasugi hot on his trail. He was screaming for help, but Gintoki just laughed, feeling refreshed and happy for what felt like forever. Since his last visit to the doctor, he had been strictly prohibited from doing any physical activities that could cause distress to his heart.

    “What’d you do this time, Zura?” He asked.

   “Nothing!” the long haired boy shot back a little too quickly.

   “He put fire ants! In my shoes!” said Takasugi angrily.

   “Hey, at least it wasn’t your pants,” Gintoki replied and burst out in laughter.

   “Why are you always taking his side?” Takasugi complained.

   “’Cause he’s an idiot,” Gintoki winked at him.

   “He-!” Katsura was about to retort when Takasugi cut him off.

   “Did you hear the news?”

   “What news?”

   “There’s a new student joining our group today. His name is Hijikata Toushirou, and he’s a violinist. I heard he’s really close to Kondo Isao. But rumours say he was an illegitimate child thou-”

   Takasugi immediately shut up when Gintoki looked at him. He’d forgotten Gintoki was a child who came from neither a rich nor poor family. He was just an orphaned kid with no parents and living relatives.

    “ _Anyways_ ,” he cleared his throat, subtly diverting the attention from what he’d been about to say. “He’s coming to our lessons today. I’ve never seen him, but I heard he was a very short tempered man. Some said he even comes off as rude and obnoxious, but I want to see it for myself.”

     “Where’s Go-…I mean Kondo-san, anyway? Wasn’t he supposed to be here like fifteen minutes ago?” Gintoki wondered out loud, scratching his head. He’d never liked his natural wavy perm even when he was a child. They were silver, yes, which made him very distinguishable and easily recognizable among people, but they just annoyed him. No matter how many times he tried to fix them, no matter how much gel he tried to apply on his head until he went bald, they just revert back to being the perpetually messy perm again. He’d given up on it a long time ago, so whenever he had to perform, he just kept it as it is, even if it was hiding his incredibly handsome face.

    “I texted him before we – ahhhh!” There was a loud buzz and Katsura yelped from shock, as he had put his phone on vibrate. Clutching his chest, he dug in his pockets for his phone. “Kondo-san said he’s out in the front.”

    “Cool, let’s go get him.” Gintoki threw the covers off and slipped off the bed, glad to finally be able to walk around and get blood pumping in his legs. He was actually quite excited to see this Hijikata. He felt like they were similar, somehow. And if what Takasugi said was true – maybe he could finally found someone who felt and suffered the same way he did.

   “Oi, don’t forget your pills,” Katsura reminded him as he rushed to the door.

  “Right! Almost forgot,” he took a deep breath, slightly irritated as he went back towards his bedside table. His bedroom was really plain, actually. He had a keyboard in the corner of his room, and stacks of books practically littered his room. Shouyou had gotten them for him to read whenever he was bored, but he was only ever interested in the comic books and manga that somehow ended up in the pile, so most of them were left untouched and dusty.

   Gintoki grabbed it swiftly and shook it slightly, just to see if it still has pills inside. It was almost half-empty and it was enough to last him at least a few days at most, depending on his heart. He pocketed it, and whistling, headed towards the door.

   

****

    Gintoki regretted not bringing a muffler or something to keep him warm the moment he stepped outside. No one told him it was going to be this cold! Even wearing layers on top of layers weren’t working! Trying not to show his irritation, he shoved his hands in his coat and walked down the porch.

   “Heya, Gin-san, Katsura-san, Takasugi-san!” Kondo greeted them cheerfully.

   “Hi, Kondo-san,” Katsura greeted him back, just as cheerfully.

   “You’re late,” Takasugi said. He was so straightforward.

   “Sorry, I had to go over to the Hijikatas to pick up the new student joining us today,” he said apologetically, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

   “Uh guys, can we chat later?” Gintoki cut them off before the conversation got too long. “If you haven’t noticed, it is negative something degree out here and I’m currently freezing my butt off.”

  “Right, sorry,” he replied, smiling sheepishly. “And to answer your question, Katsura, no – I dropped him off at my place already. He’s sort of a loner."

   The four of them quickly made their way towards the car and Gintoki got in way before Kondo even managed to open his door; he was just that eager to get out of the cold. Without even looking through a mirror, he knew that his nose and ears were probably red. It always happened to him whenever it got too cold. Katsura was suddenly seated next to him, then Takasugi went in last.

    “So, what about this Hijikata boy?” Takasugi asked, folding his arms together. “I heard you were close to him.”

    “Yeah, I was friends with his brother.” Kondo turned on the heater, which made Gintoki feel a little relieved.

    “So is it true?” Gintoki pressed on this time, “is he really an illegitimate chil- ouch!” He yelled out as Katsura elbowed him hard on the side.

   “Don’t ask things so straightforward like that, what are you going to do when you actually meet him?”

    “Well obviously, I’ll pester him to talk more- okay, okay, I was joking!” Gintoki raised his hands in defeat when he shot a glare at him. Katsura was a really polite person – he often took great care not to offend anyone – and he was also very talented. Some even called him a genius prodigy just for his talent to play piano and Gintoki had to admit that he admired him for that. Katsura surpassed him when it comes to playing.

    There was a long, awkward silence after that. Gintoki didn’t know why all three of them were sitting at the back when the shotgun seat was open. He was trying to think of a topic to talk about when Kondo broke the silence.

    “How’s that recital of yours going, Gin-san?” he asked, looking at him through the rearview mirror.

    Recital…oh yeah, he was supposed to practice one of Chopin’s pieces. He’d forgotten all about it until now. Was he supposed to show Kondo-san how well he’d been practicing today?

    “Uh – fine, I guess. I’m still having a bit of complications with it,” he lied, looking away as Kondo looked at him again.

    “Good, you better be practicing that piece,” Kondo said slowly, as though he suspected that Gintoki was lying. “You might perform next month.”

   That certainly caught his attention, because he quickly looked up and shouted very loudly, “WHAT?!” before the car made a sharp turn, making Gintoki accidentally bite his tongue. “AHHH! I BIH MY HONGUE!”

    They all burst out laughing, except for Gintoki, who was busy squirming in his seat, trying to get rid of the pain. At one point Kondo had to pull over and stop the car because he was laughing too hard. Katsura doubled over, his hair all over his face. Takasugi looked like he was trying hard to fight a smile, since he had a really ugly expression on his face.

   Laughs filled the car for a whole two minutes. Gintoki didn’t want to admit it, but it made him happy. He hadn’t seen or interacted with people in such a long time because he was mostly holed up in his room getting “rest” – whatever that meant. If resting meant getting better, then he was definitely not resting. From the looks of it, he wasn’t getting any better. If anything, he was getting worse. But it’s been a long time since he’s last visited the doctor, so he _could_ ’ve progressively gotten better.

   A loud phone call abruptly stopped everyone’s laughs. It was Kondo-san’s phone, and from the way it was vibrating, it looked like the person calling was _really_ pissed off. Kondo answered it and everyone heard the yelling before he even put it against his ear.

   “ _Where the fuck are you? Do you want me to fucking wait here forever until you get those students of yours? If you don’t arrive here in exactly ten fucking minutes I’m going to leave this house!_ ”

   “Toushi, calm down. We’re pulling over the driveway right now.”

    “ _I don’t fucking see you! I’m looking out of the window right now, if you didn’t know. I can see who is coming and who isn’t!_ ”

   Before Kondo managed to open his mouth, he had hung up already. With a look of conflict on his face, he started driving again, just a tad faster than their original pace.

   The vulgar language of the caller had left them all speechless. They all came from wealthy, prestigious families, were all taught to be elegant, sophisticated, _polite_ even, but the anonymous caller just seemed like they cared about none of those morals they’d been taught since they were kids.

   “Uh,” Gintoki cleared his throat, trying to lighten up the mood in the car. “Was that…Hijikata-kun?”

    “Unfortunately, yes,” Kondo gave a deep sigh.

    “Wow, I knew he was obnoxious and rude, but I didn’t expect him to be like _that_. Guess the rumours were right,” Takasugi intervened.

    “Toushi’s fine, really. He’s just…complicated, but he’s an alright kid once you get to know him,”

    “After that phone call? Goodness, no, I’m _never_ going to get to know him better,” he scowled, and looked at the window.

   Katsura merely sighed and Gintoki could sense there was tinge bit of irritation in it. But he paid no heed to it as they finally rounded the corner and Kondo’s house came into view. Well, a ‘house’ seemed to be a bit of an understatement. It was _huge,_ it looked exactly like one of those ‘rich people’ house you see on TV. The house must’ve had at least three floors with about a hundred rooms. Okay, that was an exaggeration, but the house – no, _mansion_ – was actually pretty big.

   Kondo parked the car just outside the gate; Gintoki guessed that the man was probably just too lazy to really park it in the driveway. He stepped out of the car first, gaping at the large mansion towering over him as if attempting to intimidate him. Really, no matter how many times he’s visited Kondo’s place, he could never stop staring at his mansion in awe. Gintoki himself has never even visited all the rooms there!

    “I wonder how much money Kondo-san’s got to buy a mansion this huge,” Katsura whistled, stuffing his own ungloved hands in his pockets. Though the sun was up and shining, it seemed to have been defeated by the cold weather.

    The four of them stepped onto the sidewalk and waited for the guard to open the gate. As they were waiting, Gintoki looked at the mansion, his gut twisting in anticipation to meet this Hijikata Toushirou person. No sooner than later, the guard finally opened the gate and let them in.

    As they were walking, he observed the mansion. It still looked pretty much the same since the last time he’d visited, what with the cream coating of the paint shining that seemed to envelop the house and the uniquely twisted fencing and neatly trimmed hedges surrounding it. The roof was peaked, slanting down at an angle. The windows had royal purple curtains hanging on the other side of them, usually drawn so that the sunlight could stream through. The mansion even had amarble fountain sitting towards the right side of the lawn. An angel holding a flower was perched on top, looking up towards the sky. Water spurted from its other hand, which lay gently out in front of it, as if waiting for someone to take it in return. The water fell gently towards the crystal blue pool beneath it, causing ripples to form and wave out until they were no more. They walked towards the extravagant house, down the little stone path to the door. Katsura was in front of them, so he had to be the one to jab the doorbell.

    “This is my house, Zura, no need to ring the doorbell,” Kondo said and weaved through them. He pushed open the door and Gintoki was immediately greeted with the marble floor and the staircase that was split into two opposite corners of the room. In the middle lay another fountain, just smaller than the one outside.

    “Hijikata should be upstairs in the music room,” he said after shrugging off his clothes. “Go on up, I’ll just ask the maid something.”

   The three nodded and went up the stairs. Gintoki’s own house wasn’t this big so it made him feel a bit out of place, but it was comforting in its own way.

   “What do you think that Hijikata lad looks like?” Katsura wondered out loud.

    “Hmm, I imagine he’s just as ugly as his personality,” Takasugi yapped loudly as they turned a corner and stopped in front of the door to the music room.

    Gintoki felt extremely nervous. He’d been wiping his sweaty palms on his pants repeatedly ever since they went up the stairs. For what reason, he did not know. Perhaps it’s because of the fear of making a bad impression; but Gintoki had never really felt like that before. Maybe it was the rumours and the things they’ve said about him that made him nervous. Or maybe it was just his head playing tricks on him and he wasn’t actually anxious or anything like that.

   Swallowing thickly, he stepped forward and reached for the handle. But then he stopped. He could hear something from the music room. It was faint, but definitely there. Gintoki leaned forward and pressed his ear against the mahogany door.

   What he heard reminded him of something melancholic and bittersweet. Though the music was really good, it created a sad, lonely feeling pooling in his gut. His throat tightened. With this, he could feel the musician’s feelings. He could feel the musician’s hope turn into despair, happiness turn into sadness, liveliness into emptiness, love into heartbreak and a swirling vortex of loneliness and longing.

   “Gintoki, you’ve been standing there for the past five minutes,” Katsura said, breaking the silence, much to Gintoki’s dismay. “What are you doing?”

   “I think Hijikata-kun is playing music inside,” he said, licking his parched lips.

   “Knock?” Katsura suggested.

   “I don’t wanna knock, what if he kills me!” he protested, oblivious to the fact that the music had stopped and was instead replaced with shuffling feet inside the room.

   “Why are you so nervous, anyway? He’s just a person!”

   Why _was_ Gintoki feeling like this anyway? Katsura was right. There was nothing to worry about. Hijikata Toushirou was just a man, a normal man who played instruments and loved music. The silver-haired man took deep breaths and pushed the door open.

   The door opened with a slow creak and the three of them stepped in. Suddenly, Gintoki’s nervousness faded away into nothingness, as though it weren’t even there. Seeing the grand piano laying in the middle of the room and a few other instruments before him made him feel relieved. The music room made him feel at ease, more comfortable and at home.

   “Who the hell’s ya?” an unfamiliar voice said from behind him.

    “YAH!” Katsura shouted, backing away so fast his head collided with Gintoki’s chin.

    “That hurt, you idiot!” Gintoki shouted, rubbing his chin that was slowly turning red.

    “Well, ain’t ya a force to be reckoned with,” the voice said again, and this time Gintoki finally looked at him. He was a tall man with dark green hair and v-shaped bangs covering his deep, deep blue eyes. He wore casual clothing, dressed in all black. Gintoki had no idea why, but he immediately felt drawn to him. Perhaps it was because he was extremely handsome, or perhaps it was because of his eyes that had different shades of blue. But the more he looked at them, the more he realized that his eyes looked…empty.

    “Might you be Hijikata Toushirou?” Katsura asked politely.

    “Yeah,” Gintoki watched as he reached into his pockets and pulled out a cigarette from a packet. He raised it to his lips and lit it up.

    “What do you think you’re doing?” Takasugi asked, glaring at him with such ferocity even the toughest animal would cower away in fear.

    “Smoking?” he said sarcastically as he exhaled smoke out.

    “Why are you _smoking_ in someone else’s house?”

   “Kondo-san lets me smoke when I’m here,” he shrugged nonchalantly.

   Takasugi looked like he was about to say something, but Gintoki cut him off with a sharp look. He cleared his throat and took a step towards Hijikata. “I’m Sakata Gintoki,” he said and extended his hand.

    Hijikata looked at his outstretched hand, but did not shake it. Instead, he just blew out more smoke. Though his handshake was rejected, Gintoki continued talking.

    “This here is Katsura Kotarou,” he said pointing at his long-haired friend. “Call him Zura for short.”

    “It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” he complained softly but Gintoki only chuckled at him.

   “The gloomy one over here is Takasugi Shinsuke,” he said, pointing at his friend who was scowling so much it honestly looked like it was permanent. “He’s kind of…well, you already saw it. But he’s not so bad.”

    “Mhmm,” Hijikata hummed, leaning against the piano. He huffed out more smoke and jabbed his cigarette into the ash tray. The three of them watched in silence as he pulled one out again.

    “Isn’t that unhealthy?” Katsura asked out loud. “Chain smoking is bad for your health.”

    “I don’t really care.” Hijikata shrugged as he blew out more smoke. “Where’s Kondo-san anyway? I'm gonna fucking  _kill_ him for making me wait so long.”

    “Were you the one playing the violin earlier?” Gintoki asked abruptly and Hijikata fell silent. He gave one last, long drag on his cigarette and stubbed it into the ash tray.

    “Nope,” he replied blankly, as he walked across the room. “Just something I was playing on my phone.”

   “Oh,” was all Gintoki could say.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing on ao3 and my first time writing a hijigin fanfic. It took some time, since I've been planning to write this for months but I'm a slow writer with almost no motivation to write so I'm surprised I even managed to finish the first chapter! I originally planned this to be a oneshot but I think it would be quite too long if I kept it like that. This should have a few chapters, as I already have everything planned from beginning to end. As I said, I'm a slow writer so please bear with me ^^ 
> 
> Ah, also this was inspired by Jin's (of Lovelyz) song named Gone, so if you've seen it, you might know where this is heading. :P


	2. ii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why are you so interested in me?” he asked in a low voice.  
> Gintoki stopped in his tracks and looked at him. “Because I want to be friends with you.”

    The following weeks had been pretty hectic for Gintoki and his friends. Ever since Hijikata arrived, they've done everything to make him more comfortable. It was nearly impossible seeing as Hijikata was quite awful. The doctor had forbade Gintoki from doing a lot of activities, but he put that aside just for Hijikata. As much as he hated to admit it, he was rather enjoying Hijikata’s company. Gintoki often found himself thinking about the dark haired man. He even found himself missing the smell of cigarettes when he was alone at home.

     Shouyou had even allowed him to go out more often; if it meant being accompanied by his friends or going to Kondo’s place. Before he knew it, he went over to his teacher's place almost every single day, in hopes of seeing Hijikata.

   After the second week, Kondo came up with this ‘brilliant’ idea of letting Hijikata teach them the violin, and in turn, they teach him the piano. He’d forced them to exchange phone numbers, much to Hijikata and Takasugi’s dismays. Coming over, going back, coming over, going back – it almost worked perfectly fine, until it was Takasugi’s turn of the week. The two got into a heated argument about who plays and teaches better. And since both of them were stubborn, none of them had the courage to apologize to each other. Gintoki and Katsura tried to get them to make up, but neither obliged or was willing to cooperate.

    “Come on you two, please make up already!” the silver-haired man persisted for what seemed like the fifth time that day.

     “Gintoki, if they don’t want to talk about it, then drop it,” Katsura said with an exasperated sigh.

     They were sitting in Kondo’s living room. Compared to the music room, it was rather small; it was less spacious, but it was still almost as big as Gintoki’s bedroom back at home. Chandeliers lit up the room and they were seated on plush, royal red sofas. Gintoki was sprawled on his belly, his arm dangling off the edge of the sofa, while Katsura sat on the carpeted ground, reading a boring informational book. Hijikata was opposite him, angrily stubbing cigarette after cigarette into the ashtray. He smoked so much, it began to cling onto Gintoki’s clothes. He knew it was bad for his health, but there’s no stopping Hijikata from chain-smoking so they just let him be. Takasugi, however, sat next to Gintoki and had a permanent-looking scowl etched on his face as he scrolled down his phone.

    “Hell no, I’m not apologizing to that bastard,” Hijikata spat out angrily as he lit up another cigarette.

   “Oh, _I’m_ the bastard?” Takasugi retorted, throwing a glance at him, “I suggest you take a look in the mirror then.”

  “Yah!” Gintoki shouted at them in frustration, “I wanted you two to make up and apologize to each other! Not kill one another!”

  “I’m not apologizing until that fucking idiot admits he was wrong,” Hijikata muttered angrily.

   “Your language is getting on my nerves,” the other boy clucked his tongue.

   “Aw, I’m sorry, I guess you’ll have to fuckin’ deal with it,” he said sarcastically, blowing out more smoke.

   “Will you stop smoking!” he banged his fist onto the wooden table, making Katsura – who had been so focused on whatever he was reading – jump in surprise.

    “Can you stop fighting!” he yelled out and the three of them fell silent. Katsura rarely ever got angry, so hearing him raise his voice definitely came as a shock to them. “Shinsuke, enough with your witty remarks. Gintoki, stop annoying them and Hijikata-” he shot him a deathly glare, “please stop smoking. Just this time, please, okay?”

  To their surprise, Hijikata actually obeyed him and extinguished the remaining stub of his cigarette into the overflowing ashtray.

   “Now listen,” Katsura said, marking a page on the book. “We have an old friend arriving back here from the States.”

   That got Gintoki’s attention. He sat up quickly, his head almost colliding with Takasugi’s chin, and looked at Katsura with wide eyes. “States…Do you mean-? Sakamoto is coming back?”

  “Just great, add another idiot to a group already full of idiots,” Hijikata murmured.

  Katsura pretended not to hear him and continued, “I got in touch with him recently. He told me he’s coming back here for a visit.”

  Gintoki made an excited sound and leaned back against the sofa. It’s been a long time since he’d last seen Sakamoto. It must’ve been like – what, twelve years? Unlike Takasugi or Katsura, Sakamoto came from a family of merchants. They owned a lot of huge famous companies in Japan.

   “I want to throw him a surprise party, and I want all of you to participate,” he said, then looked at Hijikata. “Even you, Hijikata.”

   “Thanks, but I’ll pass,” he replied quickly. "I don’t know him nor am I interested in befriending him. You can handle it yourselves. Besides, I’ve got tons of work to do at home. I have to compose a stupid song for Kondo and I need to practice my recital for next week.”

    “Don’t worry, I told Kondo-san to push your plans back. I asked him if you could join us and he said yes and might I quote, “Please do! Toushi’s finally making friends! Don’t take no for an answer! Force him if you have to!’” He flailed his arms around stupidly in an attempt to imitate Kondo.

    “That fuckin’ gorilla! I don’t need his fuckin’ permission! Who the hell does he think he is, pushing my plans back and delaying them! He ain’t my brother! I’ll go if I want to!”

   Now, if there was one small thing Gintoki noticed about Hijikata, it was that he never mentions his father nor mother; in fact, he never mentions any of his family, except for his ‘brother’. That just peaked his interest in Hijikata even more, even though he knew his private life was none of his business. It wasn’t his fault he felt curious about his past; he couldn’t help wondering how a man with such beautiful eyes could hide so much sadness and loneliness inside.

   “So you’ll go then?” Katsura asked hopefully.

   “Hell no!” he growled, crossing his arms across his chest.

  “Come on! Please? You don’t even have to prepare with us; just come to the party!”

   “I said no.”

   “Please!”

   “No means no.”

  Katsura sighed in defeat. “There’s no forcing you then, if you don’t want to.”

  “Wait – how about preparing with us and _not_ coming to the party?” Gintoki proposed.

  Hijikata looked like he was about to say something, but then closed his mouth. His eyebrows scrunched up together as though he was pondering it, and then said, “If I agree, will you stop pestering me about socializing with other people? I already have a handful of idiots to deal with.”

   “Yes,” he replied. What he said was partially the truth; Gintoki liked it when Hijikata spent time with them, even though he was quiet most of the time. He usually said nothing unless he was addressed to or when Takasugi said something that pissed him off.

    “Fine,” he stood up from the couch. “I’ll help you prepare. But I will do it _only_ with Gintoki.”

   “Why only me?”

   “Because you don’t annoy me as much as the others.”

   Gintoki felt his face flush.

 

*****

 

   “Hey, Zura,” Gintoki grumbled huskily as he got into the car the next morning. He had no idea where his friend got this car from; last time he checked, Katsura’s father didn’t permit him driving. Perhaps he stole it. Katsura was good at things like that. Gintoki buckled his seatbelt and locked his fingers across his stomach as he leaned against the seat.

   “It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” the man whispered angrily but looked at Gintoki anyway. “What?”

  “When is Sakamoto arriving here?”

  “Later tonight.”

  Takasugi claimed the front seat for himself and hummed happily. Gintoki knew he sat there to avoid more pointless arguing and constant banters with Hijikata. Which left the silver haired man alone with him. He could feel blood rush to his face as he slipped into the seat next to him, the scent of freshly smoked cigarettes permeating the air. He felt a little lightheaded.

   “What do we need to bring?” he asked, just to break the awkward silence in the car.

  “Well, Shinsuke and I agreed on getting the ingredients I’m baking – knowing you, you’d probably get the wrong things and mess up one way or another, so we’ll get it ourselves. You and Hijikata will get the supplies and decorations.”

   “Why don’t you just ask someone to bake it for you?”

   “Because it won’t feel as special if I let someone else do it for me. Besides, it’s the thoughts that count, right?”

   Gintoki nodded in reply and rested his head on the window. He tried hard not to look at Hijikata’s reflection on the glass, but in the end, he found himself staring at it anyway. Though it wasn’t really clear, he could just make out Hijikata’s face. His expression was blank; his piercing blue eyes emotionless; empty.

   Somewhere along the way, Katsura and Takasugi started a conversation about their childhood, but Gintoki wasn’t really feeling up to it. He paid no attention to them as he continued to look at Hijikata’s reflection, his mind swirling with thoughts and possibilities and scenarios of how he would react if he found out about Gintoki’s condition.

   Truthfully, he didn’t really want to tell him, nor let him find out about his health problem. Gintoki hated the look people gave him as soon as they find out about his health. They made him feel helpless – weak – as though he was nothing but a crippled man who can’t walk on his own two feet. He hated feeling like he was dependent on his friends and family.

   His gaze met with Hijikata’s own and that’s when he noticed – he had been watching him the whole time too. He just did it less blatantly than Gintoki had done. He focused his gaze somewhere else, wanting to avoid eye contact with Hijikata. Though faint, he could still smell the scent of cigarette and the light throbbing in his head came back.

   “Gintoki!” Takasugi’s shrill voice rang throughout the car.

   Gintoki, who was buried in his own thoughts, shouted, “What?!”

   “Are you listening to me?” he demanded and then let out a frustrated sigh. Gintoki knew that his friends wanted to get mad at him or snap at him sometimes, but they couldn’t because they knew it would only be bad for him and could possibly worsen his condition.

  “I was asking if you knew what to buy. Here’s a list,” he handed him a small folded paper, “check everything once you’re inside. Zura and I are going somewhere else – there’s a place at the run-down market straight ahead that has really good ingredients. Call me when you’re done. I’ll either send someone over or I’ll come and pick you up myself. You have about an hour.”

   “Gotcha,” he said, giving him a thumbs up as Katsura took one final turn and stopped. He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out of the car, Hijikata following him closely behind.

 

*****

 

   “You’re awfully quiet today,” Gintoki said as he skimmed over the list Takasugi had given him earlier. “Is there something on your mind?”

   “It’s none of your fuckin’ business,” Hijikata snapped, his eyes cold as he turned to him. Gintoki must’ve had a flicker of hurt across his face because they softened, but it was gone just as fast as it had come.

   “I know,” he mumbled to himself. He walked very quickly, counting the things they needed off his fingers. Normally, he wouldn’t shop in a place like this, but it sort of felt good to be a normal person sometimes – no statuses, no rich or poor, nothing – just plain old Sakata Gintoki.

   He finally stopped at the aisle they were looking for. Hijikata trailed behind him quietly, carrying a small red plastic basket. Gintoki looked at the shelves littered with things he needed for the party. First, he needed disposable utensils. Truthfully, they could've just used the silverware and glassware back at Kondo’s, but they didn’t want to make a huge mess in the kitchen and bother the maids.

    “How long have you been playing violin?” he asked as he bent down and scooped up four plastic bags in his arms which contained forks, knives, napkins and plates.

   No response. Gintoki wasn’t really expecting an answer from Hijikata – he usually kept to himself and was quiet. He seemed to have built a protective wall around himself, but nevertheless, Gintoki never gave up asking him questions.

   “Okay…how old are you?”

   Again, no response. But he rambled on and on asking questions to Hijikata though he knew he would never get an answer from the dark haired man.

   “Hmm, okay, should I tell you a little bit about myself?” he said and dropped the bags into the basket Hijikata was carrying. “You may be wondering why I don’t look like my dad, or share the same last name as the Yoshida family. You may even be wondering why I don’t have a mother. That’s because I was adopted into this family when I was five. Oh, I was really cute back then.”

   He walked over to the next aisle to look for some decoration – just to make the living room a little bit livelier and welcoming. He continued, “Anyway, the other kids didn’t really like me as much and would often turn me down when I asked if I could play with them. There’s just that sort of, like, standards rich kids have, you know?”

   He searched for some party hats, balloons and party poppers. He bent down to pick some and put it inside the bag Hijikata was carrying. All this time, the man never uttered a word or showed any sign of listening to Gintoki, but he went on anyway.

   “It’s like – if you’re not rich, they can’t play with you or talk to you. If you’re adopted, they call you fake and dirty or a thief for not being a real part of that family and so on. A few months later I met Takasugi and Zura. Zura and I got along pretty quick, but Takasugi kind of…disliked me for a few weeks,” he shrugged. “I met Sakamoto a little later than that though. Ah, I’m glad I have friends like them.”

   Gintoki looked at his watch and turned to Hijikata, who was watching him quietly. “We ought to hurry up and pay for these. It’s not like we have much to do anyway, it’s just decorating, right?” He took the basket from him and strode quickly to the cashier.

   For once, Hijikata spoke. “Why are you so interested in me?” he asked in a low voice.

    Gintoki stopped in his tracks and looked at him.  _I’m interested in you because I want to know you better. I want to know why you smoke so much until your teeth rot. I want to know why you lied to me about not playing the violin the night I met you. I want to break the wall you’ve built around yourself._ He wanted to say all these things, but none came out of his mouth. Instead, all he said was:

   “Because I want to be friends with you.”

 

*****

 

   The past few hours passed by with a blur. As soon as Hijikata and Gintoki got back, they started decorating the living room. It was only going to be them and Kondo-san, so the room space is enough for them. Katsura was busy baking a cake – it was the first time making one, he said, so Gintoki wished him luck and hoped he wouldn’t burn it.

    Hijikata didn’t say a word to him as he helped him put up the banner Gintoki had made the night before. It read “welcome back” in huge letters. He wasn’t very good at drawing, but the portrait of Sakamoto on the corner of the paper would do.

    At some point, Takasugi tried to barge in the living room, but Hijikata quickly locked him out – or tried to anyway. Whenever he tried to run in, Hijikata would just push him back out of the room. This went on for about thirty minutes and Gintoki just stood there watching in amusement as the two continuously tried to chase the other out. In the end, Hijikata gave up, earning a loud “HAH!” from Takasugi as he belly flopped onto the couch. Really, he could be like a kid sometimes.

   “You put up a good fight there,” Gintoki laughed as Hijikata unceremoniously lit up a cigarette.

   “Shut the fuck up,” he growled. “Just get back to work.”

  He chuckled and held up the banner again. Only one side of it was taped to the wall; he was surprised the whole thing hadn’t fallen down yet. They really didn’t put it that high on the wall, just midway through so it was just above their heads. Hijikata picked up the fallen stepladder he’d jumped off earlier when Takasugi entered and climbed on it angrily.

   “Hand me the tape,” he ordered, his cigarette clamped tightly in between his teeth.

   “How can you smoke so close to something that can catch on fire?” Takasugi asked from the couch.

   “Because I can,” the other boy snapped and began taping the banner on the wall.

   Gintoki looked at Takasugi, who was reading a magazine, and asked, “Why’d you leave Katsura back there?”

   To his surprise, Takasugi blushed and flipped nervously through the magazine. “He kicked me out.”

   “Oho, the all-mighty-I-am-never-wrong Takasugi got kicked out from the kitchen by his _friend_?” Hijikata drawled. “Tut, tut. I guess you really are bad at something.”

   Gintoki shot him a glare and continued, “Why? Did you do something?”

   Takasugi merely shrugged and said, “I don’t know. I’m not good at baking, or cooking in general. I suppose I handed him the wrong thing– like, he asked for a bowl and I handed him a…a... calendar?”

   “You mean a colander?” he corrected, to which Hijikata sniggered to.

   “Yeah! Whatever that is,” he sighed. “Anyway, I didn’t notice the bowl had holes and poured the mixing in it. He turned his back for a second and everything was on the floor.”

   The silver haired man couldn’t help but laugh. As horrible as he may seem, Takasugi could actually be an idiot at times. And as ‘bossy’ or intelligent Katsura may seem, he, too, can come off as an idiot. Really, the two came in pairs. Gintoki never got along with Takasugi as well as he and Katsura do; sometimes, he felt envious of their closeness and wondered when he could find someone like that.

    Hijikata completed sticking tape on the wall and finally climbed down. He and Gintoki had already finished putting up some balloons earlier and now all they had to do was relax and wait until Sakamoto arrived. Speaking of which, he was pretty excited to meet his curly haired friend. He missed him and his ridiculous laugh.

   Just then, Katsura came bursting in the living room wearing a pink apron which had yellow flowers all over it. He had flour and some other sticky substances stuck in the weirdest places on his body and in his hand was a medium-sized cake topped with strawberries.

   “Ah! Sakamoto just told me he’s out in the front! He’ll be here in five!” he exclaimed as he placed the cake on the table. He untied his apron from his waist and threw it somewhere in the room.

   “You told us he’s coming in a few hours!” Takasugi said in a high-pitched voice, taking a look in the mirror and see if he looked presentable.

    In a rush, Gintoki reached into the plastic bag on the table and handed Takasugi a party popper, who handed it to Hijikata, who stared at in bewilderment. Katsura was busy trying to get the stuff off his face and Takasugi stepped in to help him. Gintoki looked at the mirror, combing his hair furiously in an attempt to flatten it but to no avail.

   “Wahahahaha! It’s good to be back!” a voice rang out from behind them.

   Startled, Katsura yelped and bumped into Takasugi, who fell on his butt, with Katsura right on top of him. Gintoki’s comb was left stuck in his hair as he stared at Sakamoto Tatsuma’s arrival. Then there was a loud _pop_ which seemed to have brought everyone back to their senses – Hijikata had pulled the string, covering not only Sakamoto, but also the friends he brought with him, in thin paper streamers.

   “Sakamoto!” Katsura squeaked out with a horrified expression as he rolled off Takasugi. His brilliant plan had been foiled by their foolishness. “Welcome back.” He said unenthusiastically, having the excitement fade away.

   “Wahahaha!” his curly haired friend threw his head back and laughed. “Is this a party for me? Ahahaha! Thanks!”

   Gintoki looked at Sakamoto and his friends. Most of them were guys, but only one caught his eye, really. There was girl standing next to him. She was pretty – smooth, fair skin, brown eyes and straight light brown hair which was loosely tied behind her back. She wore a straw a hat as if to hide her face. He looked away as they made eye-contact and focused on Sakamoto.

   “Well, it was _supposed_ to be a surprise party,” Takasugi grumbled, picking himself off of the floor, “but then Zura barged in and started panicking because you said you were arriving earlier so now it’s just a party.”

   The girl standing next to Sakamoto nudged him slightly. He nodded and then gestured to his friends, “Before I forget, this is Mutsu. She’s half-Japanese, half-American. She’s my business partner. And these here are-”

   Sakamoto’s voice faded away. Gintoki was never really good in remembering names, so instead, he focused on what was more important to him: the fact that there was an untouched strawberry cake on the table. Two of his favourite things in one plate. Eyeing Sakamoto and the others, he carefully and stealthily reached into the plastic bag for a paper plate and a plastic fork. Making sure their backs were on him, he cut a huge chunk of it and put it on his plate.

   “Gintoki, what are you doing?” Katsura asked all of a sudden and he froze mid-bite. So much for being sneaky.

  “Hahaha! You never change! I see you still love anything and everything that is sweet, huh?” Sakamoto pointed out, patting him on the shoulder. “We should-”

   He stopped. Gintoki could tell that for the first time, he noticed the dark-haired man standing in the corner of the room, leaning against the wall and trying to avoid as much attention on him as possible.

   “Who might you be?” his friend asked, pointing at Hijikata.

   “That’s Hijikata Toushirou,” Takasugi replied, “Kondo's new student. It’s best you stay away from him, though; he’s rude, obnoxious, annoying and smokes a lot.”

   Gintoki expected a scoff or a sarcastic remark from Hijikata, but he did neither and chose to remain quiet as he exhaled smoke. But then he remembered that Hijikata was supposed to leave. But he stayed. He _stayed_ , even though he said he was leaving as soon as Sakamoto arrived. He _stayed,_ even though he was awkward and didn’t like talking to other people. He _stayed,_ even though it bothered him. And somehow, deep down, Gintoki knew Hijikata did it for him. But for what reason, he did not know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! sorry if this chapter was a bit fast - it's necessary for the following chapters b/c there will be angst. Lots of it.


	3. iii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For one whole week, Gintoki did not see Hijikata. And he didn’t know what was worse: that or the fact that he missed him so terribly he thought about him every night.

    Sakamoto’s arrival made the atmosphere between the three lighter – if anything, he made it better. Takasugi and Hijikata didn’t fight as much anymore – they were still loud, obnoxious and annoying, but it had become more of a “friendly” thing now. Takasugi even stopped complaining about Hijikata’s smoking habits.

    Gintoki definitely felt a lot better about Hijikata. Ever since he told him he wanted to be his friend, he seemed to be more comfortable around him than anyone else. They talked little, but their relationship was improving. However, Gintoki still hadn’t come around to tell Hijikata about his illness; he felt it was too soon and didn’t want him to distance himself away from him. Hijikata hadn’t fully opened up to Gintoki either, but it was gradually getting there.

    A few days after the arrival of Sakamoto, he’d suggested visiting everyone’s houses and greeting their families. After all, he hadn’t come home to Japan in so many years. They visited Takasugi’s family first; Gintoki never really liked them – he thought they were too proud of themselves. Katsura’s family was chill, though. They were very welcoming and accepting. They even gave Gintoki lots of sweets.

   And so now they were hanging around Gintoki’s house. Shouyou had left hours ago for work after gushing over how much Sakamoto had changed – he even told him, “My, my, Sakamoto! You’re all grown up now! Look at you! You look so mature and you even got yourself a girlfriend!” which made Mutsu blush like crazy and Sakamoto laugh (though quite nervously) out loud.

   They were sitting in Gintoki’s bedroom, mainly because there was nothing to do in his house since it was empty almost every day. Katsura sat on the desk by the window, reading one of the dusty books scattered around Gintoki’s room, while Takasugi sat on the bean bag under the foot of his bed, playing something on his phone. Sakamoto was teaching Mutsu how to play the keyboard that was next to his bed. Hijikata sat against the wall, scribbling on a small black notebook. Gintoki, however, remained situated on his bed, raging at a monster he couldn’t pass on his game console.

   “Argh!” he shouted out in frustration, chucking the controller away. “I’ve been on this level for months!”

   “You spend too much time playing video games,” Katsura pointed out, “You should do something else.”

    “Do what, exactly? It’s boring here,” he grumbled. If he were to be honest, Gintoki hated his room. He’d been confined in here for majority of his life, doing nothing but staring blankly at the walls, reading the same JUMP manga and comics, composing songs and playing piano over and over. It sucked and he hated it. That’s why he felt happy when Hijikata joined them. Even if little, he felt that he was slowly gaining his freedom back.

    He sighed then stood up. He walked over to Sakamoto, who was having trouble remembering the notes for the piece he was trying to teach Mutsu. Gintoki rarely ever used music sheets anymore because he’d played so many different pieces so many times he’d memorized them. Of course, that didn’t mean he wouldn't get confused and mix some notes up, because he did.

   “Try C minor,” he said, pressing the key for Sakamoto. Now he had an urge to play the keyboard, just to get his fingers going. “Hey, can you scoot over? I want to play.”

   Sakamoto nodded and moved away with Mutsu. Gintoki stretched and cracked his knuckles before taking a deep breath and get his creative juices flowing. This was the first time he’d played the keyboard in weeks. It felt good to take a breather once in a while. His playing lifted the atmosphere a bit; Hijikata, who seemed so stressed out and tense, relaxed, Katsura had a small smile on his face as he read and Takasugi sat intently, swaying a little to Gintoki’s rhythm.

   “You’re excellent,” Hijikata said, after Gintoki stopped. He was a little flushed and red in the face. “You’re…a really good pianist.”

   “Right?” he exclaimed proudly. “Speaking of which, I want to hear you play the violin. I’ve never heard you play it.”

   “Don’t expect anything, he’s terrible at it,” Takasugi scoffed, rolling his eyes.

   “Shut yer mouth,” Hijikata snapped.

   “Why don’t we go over to Hijikata’s place tomorrow?” Sakamoto offered. “That way we can meet his family _and_ let him play the violin for us!”

   “No,” Hijikata stood, balling his fists. “Definitely a fucking no.”

   “Why not? It’ll be fun!”

   “Because it’s none of your _fucking_ business. I don’t want any of you at my house.”

   “Hey! Don’t speak to him like that!” Mutsu retorted. She looked like she was about to kick him in the shin or something.

    “Shut up.”

   With a look of anger and outrage, Hijikata stormed out of Gintoki’s bedroom.

 

*****

 

   Hijikata didn’t show up the day after that. Or the day after. For one whole week, Hijikata didn’t show up in any of their meetings. He didn’t show up to their lesson that week either. Kondo refused to talk about his reason for not coming – he had said he promised him he wouldn’t tell anyone. Gintoki was troubled – every second he heard a door open, whether it be at his home or Kondo’s mansion, he perked up in anticipation of seeing Hijikata by the door. At some point he even tried calling or leaving him a text message but he never picked up nor did he reply to any of his texts.

   For one whole week, Gintoki did not see Hijikata. And he didn’t know what was worse: that or the fact that he missed him so terribly he thought about him every night.

    Unable to take it anymore, Gintoki decided to get Hijikata’s home address from Kondo. He continuously badgered Kondo whenever he got the chance. Of course, the older man always refused to answer him or just simply ignore him.

   “Kondo-san, please tell me his address!” he insisted, running towards Kondo after his lessons.

   “I can’t tell you, Gin-san,” he sighed in exasperation. “It’s not my place to tell. He doesn’t want anyone visiting him right now.”

   “But why?”

   “Toushi’s going through a hard time at the moment,” came the reply from Kondo, “He needs space. If he doesn’t want to see anyone right now, I will respect that.”

   “But I’m worried about him,” Gintoki pouted, looking at his feet. “He just disappeared without telling us. I’m scared we said something that offended him. And our relationship was just getting better too…”

   “Why do you want to see him, anyway?” Kondo asked.

   _Why_ did he want to visit Hijikata? He did not know.

   “Just because,” was all his reply.

   Kondo sighed, massaging his temple. “You’re a good kid, Gintoki. And I know you know Toushi’s a kind kid under all that hard exterior. I believe you can help him, make him feel loved and cared about. I believe you can make him happy, make all his sadness, loneliness and pain go away. So I’ll tell you where he lives. But promise me you won’t try to get him to talk to you about his problems at home. Let him open up to you about it himself.”

   “I promise,” he said, making a gesture with his hand to show Kondo that he intends to keep it.

   “Okay.” Kondo ripped a paper from one of the books he was holding and wrote something down. He slipped it into Gintoki’s pocket and whispered, “Going there on this day is a bad idea. Don’t do it now. Do it on another day. But not today.”

 

*****

 

    Because Sakata Gintoki was stubborn, he made up his mind to go on that day anyway and sneak out in the middle of the night and look for Hijikata’s house. He just couldn’t contain his curiousness and worries and he just felt stressed out, which wasn’t good for his heart. And even though Katsura and Takasugi – even Sakamoto and Mutsu – noticed how edgy and anxious Gintoki was, they never asked him, so it was good in its own way. He would have felt bad lying to them.

    Gintoki sat on his bed, rapidly tapping his foot against the floor as he waited for the clock to strike at midnight. Since it was cold outside, he had to put on about a hundred layers to keep himself warm. He’d even taken his pills with him, just in case he had a bizarre and random attack in the middle of the street by himself. He couldn’t risk going to the hospital so soon.

    The clock chimed then, signaling his leave. Gintoki made sure he had his gloves and a muffler on before heading outside. Shouyou wasn’t coming back until the morning anyway, and he was sure that the maids were asleep before he sneaked out through the front door.

     Once he was outside, he pulled out the piece of paper Kondo had given him earlier. On it was written:

Sunny Mansion #203  
4-7 Hommachi 2-choume  
Shibuya-ku, TOKYO 150-2345

    He was lucky it was pretty close to where he lived so that he didn’t have to wear himself out walking for hours. Taking a deep breath, he clenched his fist over his heart to give himself some courage and started walking.

    Now that he was actually going, he wondered – what was he going to tell Hijikata if he gets caught? What was he going to do right after finding his house? He promised Kondo he wouldn’t directly visit him or talk to him or whatever, so what exactly did he want to do? It was true he wanted to heal the gaping void in Hijikata’s heart, wanted to make him happy, wanted to make his sadness go away but was breaking his trust the right thing to do?

    Gintoki was aware that this was a bad idea, knew that it could possibly ruin their friendship, but why couldn’t he make his legs stop moving? Why couldn’t he make himself turn around and pretend he never had Hijikata’s house address? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about Hijikata? Why was he so infatuated with him? Why was he attracted to him like a magnet? He found no answer to any of these questions. He had no answer but it was what his mind and heart wanted to do. And so he followed it.

 

*****

 

   After what felt like hours, Gintoki finally found Hijikata’s house. He almost walked past it at first but backtracked because he realized it was possibly the biggest house in the area. It was smaller than Kondo’s house, but it was just as huge as Gintoki’s house. He stared at the golden name plate which had ‘Hijikata’ engraved on it. Unlike the rest of the houses in the neighbourhood, some of the lights in the rooms were on.

   Though conflicted, Gintoki climbed over the fencing around Hijikata’s house. As he jumped down, the only thought going through his head was: _I’m probably going to get caught doing this. Then they’ll put a restraining order on me and then I won’t be able to see Hijikata anymore._

    He landed on his feet with a light thud and only moved when no one opened the door or called the police. Gintoki was full of adrenaline; he hadn’t felt like this in years. Stealthily, he crept towards one of the windows where light was visible and peeked through it.

    It was the living room. There were three men – probably Hijikata’s older brothers – sitting by the sofa and watching TV. Gintoki saw that they were all happy, laughing at something on the TV. But his instincts told him something was wrong. Why was Hijikata not there laughing and smiling and having a good time just like a family should?

    There was a soft thud, and Hijikata came bounding down the stairs dressed in all black. He had a dark expression on his face which was quickly replaced with anger and hatred as he saw his brothers. The three had also stopped laughing and was looking at him with just as much resentment in their eyes. Gintoki felt his stomach churn. Was this how his family treated him?

    Hijikata said something that Gintoki couldn’t hear, even as he pressed his ear against the window. Then there was a loud bang, and Hijikata came out through the front door. Gintoki watched as he lit up a cigarette and pushed the gates open. Before he knew it, he followed Hijikata to wherever it was he was going to while keeping a distance from him to make sure he wasn’t obvious.

   Gintoki couldn’t fathom how much hatred Hijikata had in his eyes as he looked at his brothers. The amount of hatred and coldness he saw from him made his skin crawl. That was not the Hijikata he knew. But then again – did he really know Hijikata at all?

   After a while, Hijikata turned a corner and stopped. Gintoki quickly hid behind a car as he looked behind him. He stayed still for about a minute or so, then continued walking. That was when Gintoki noticed that he was in the cemetery. And he was pretty far from where he lived.

   Slowly, he went in right after Hijikata, anxiety making its way up his throat. It took him a while to find him, and when he did, he once again had to hide behind a nearby tree just to see what Hijikata was up to.

    “…y, Mom,” Hijikata’s voice was so low and soft that Gintoki had to strain his ear in order to hear.

   “Today’s your seventeenth death anniversary,” he said sadly as he kneeled in front of his mother’s grave. “Sorry I couldn’t leave you flowers. I had a hard time trying to sneak out of the house. I’m surprised they haven’t come after me yet.”

   The moment Gintoki discovered that Hijikata had come here to visit his mom’s grave, he wanted to run away. Wanted to run away because he stepped over the line; he was invading someone else’s privacy. He had no right to be here. No right at all. But his legs wouldn’t move; why won’t they move?

   “I’m sorry I haven’t visited you lately,” Hijikata continued, sitting on the grass and wrapping his arms around his legs. Like this he reminded Gintoki of a child who was lost, a child who needed someone to point him the right way.

       “I’ve been…pretty preoccupied. Kondo made me take lessons with a bunch of morons and I have to see them every day,” he started pulling out the grass from its roots. “They’re all a bunch of idiots, to be honest, and one of them always gets on my nerves. But there’s this guy…he’s kind of odd.

   “He always sticks his nose in matters that don’t concern him. He’s just as much as a handful as the others. He’s lazy, loud, annoying and unpredictable. I know how to deal with people but he’s really stubborn. Even if I told him to fuck off, he’s still there. He’s like a stain that won’t go away. He even told me he wanted to be friends with me. No one has said that to me in a long time.”

   Gintoki bit his lip. He was breathing pretty hard. He did not know whether it was his heart, or it was the shock of hearing Hijikata – who was usually loud when he was with them – sound really sad and lonely.

    “It feels weird. Having friends, I mean. Should I even call them friends?” And for the first time, Gintoki heard Hijikata laugh. But it wasn’t the kind of laugh he wanted to hear. “Just a few days ago, they made me prepare for a party. A party! I didn’t want to stay back then, but it just…happened. I don’t know if it was because that guy told me he wanted to be friends with me.”

    Hijikata’s voice shook. He reached up and pulled his hair. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. I think I’m going crazy, Mom. I can’t stop thinking about him. Sometimes when he’s near me, I feel like my heart’s going to burst. Sometimes when he talks to me, I never want him to stop even if I’m not interested in what he’s saying. Sometimes when he laughs or smiles, my whole body feels like it’s on fire. When he gets up and leaves the room, I get the urge to sometimes call out to him and tell him not to leave. _And I don’t know why_.”

    Gintoki did not need a mirror or light to know his face showed all the different shades of red. No one has said that about him before. Ever. Sweat collected on his forehead and he took deep breaths in an attempt to calm his furiously beating heart.

    “And I can’t live in that house anymore,” Hijikata continued. Gintoki could hear soft sniffles. “Every day feels like hell. They look and treat me as if I’m garbage. The only one who cared about me in that house was Tamegoro but he moved, so now I’m all alone.”

    Now he could see the dark-haired man trembling slightly. Gintoki could see Hijikata running a hand over his face multiple times before speaking again, “Sometimes I wonder what my life could’ve been if I weren’t an illegitimate child. Would I have been a happier person? Would I have been someone who was loved and cared about? I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like it would have been better if I just simply didn’t exist.”

    Hijikata laughed, though it was more of feeling pity towards himself. “I’m pathetic. Why am I crying?” He wiped away his tears from his face and stood up. “I’m going back now. It’s pretty late. I love you, Mom. And I miss you every day.”

    Gintoki did nothing but remain seated behind the tree. He wanted to comfort him. He wanted to hold Hijikata in his arms and tell him everything’s going to be okay. He wanted to make all his pain vanish as if they never existed. But all he could do was watch as Hijikata left the cemetery.

    “Since when did it start raining?” Gintoki said out loud as he felt something hot and wet trickle down his face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update everyone! I had a hard time writing this and the following chapter, so I kept on changing a few things here and there. Angst was harder to write than I thought :P I'm not exactly satisfied with how this turned out to be, but I hope you guys enjoy it anyway ;w;


	4. iv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you want me to teach you?”  
> “What?”  
> “Skating,” he said again, with a small smile on his face. “Do you want me to teach you how?”  
> “O-Okay.”  
> “Take my hand.” He held out his hand. Hijikata stared at it for a moment and hesitantly, took it.

   Gintoki woke up in his bed the next day. He had no recollection of how he got there, nor what time he’d come home. The only thing burned into his mind was the sight of Hijikata crying before his dead mother’s grave. His chest burned, but it was more likely the pain of seeing Hijikata so vulnerable and weak than anything else.

   He didn’t know how long he stayed laying there, staring at the dull ceiling of his room. Only when Gintoki heard the familiar ringtone of his phone did he make an attempt to move. He looked at the caller ID. Katsura Kotaro.

  “Hello?” he said, cringing at how hoarse his voice was. He cleared his throat and said a little louder this time. “Hello?”

  “Gintoki? Where did you go last night?” he sounded worried.

  “Nowhere,” he replied blankly, “I’ve been in my room, sleeping.”

  "I saw you in the middle of the night,” Katsura replied with a hint of accusation. “You looked like you saw a ghost. I called out to you like three times but you didn’t hear me. Just walked right pass me.”

   Gintoki chewed on his bottom lip as his gut began to twist uncontrollably. He remembered none of these ever happening. Was he really that shocked last night? All he could think about was what Hijikata said that night. His voice, his words…they all came like a shock to him and he wanted so bad to help him. If Gintoki couldn’t make the pain of his past disappear, the least he could do is make him momentarily forget it.

   “Zura,” he said. “Where are you?”

   “At home, why?”

   “I want to go skating. You know, like the old times.”

   “What? Why are you changing subjects all of a sudden?”

   “Nothing, I just felt like it. For now call everyone, but I’ll talk to Hijikata. You own a skating rink, right? Book it for us today.” Gintoki hung up.

    When they were children, one of the things Gintoki loved doing was skating. He didn’t like the cold very much, but skating was fun. And he hadn’t done it in years since he got diagnosed with his heart condition. The only thing he could think of making Hijikata forget about the things troubling him, the only thing he could think of making him happy was bringing him to skate with them. Quite frankly, Gintoki didn’t really care if Katsura, Takasugi, Sakamoto and Mutsu were with them, but the more the merrier.

     Gintoki scrolled down his phone’s contacts to search for Hijikata’s name. His fingers hovered above the call option, but he hesitated. What if Hijikata shunned him? What if he said no? No. He’ll force him if he had to. He put the phone to his ear, and took deep breaths to reassure himself.

   _Ring…_

_Ring…_

_Ring…_

  “Hello?” Hijikata’s voice sounded muffled, like he had just woken up.

  “H-Hijikata?” Gintoki stammered nervously. “Sorry, did I wake you up?”

  “Gin…toki?” he replied, unsure whether it really was Gintoki on the phone. “Why are you calling me at this ungodly hour?”

  “Okay, first of all, it’s almost two thirty in the afternoon. And yes, it is me.”

  “Whaddafuckdoyouwant?” the man slurred on the other side of the phone. Gintoki couldn’t blame him, honestly. He – like Gintoki – probably got home really late at night. And heck, it would be a waste of time if he lied to himself that he, as a matter of fact, usually slept in late into the afternoon. Could you blame him though, Gintoki had nothing to do at home. He couldn’t even work, no matter how much he wanted to help Shouyou out with the family business, and was always told to rest and look after himself.

   “We’re going out to skate, do you want to come?”

   “Fuck no, I hate skating,” Hijikata grumbled, irritated.

   “It’ll be fun, come on, Hijikata!” he persisted. “It’s just going to be us – Zura, Takasugi, Sakamoto and even Mutsu! Please!”

   “That makes me not want to go even more.”

   “Are you saying that because you don’t know how to skate?” Gintoki teased, his lips curled in a sadistic manner.

   “Shut the fuck up, you natural permy brain!” Hijikata retorted and even through the phone, he could tell the man smacked something really hard. Gintoki smiled.

   “So then, won’t you come and join us? I’ll teach you how to skate if you don’t know how to.”

   “Didn’t I tell you to shut the fuck up? I don’t need someone as annoying as you to teach me how to do something as trivial as that!”

   “Prove it to me, then, _Hi-ji-kata-kun_ ,” he enunciated.

   “Fine! I’ll fucking show you!” he growled angrily.

   “Great! We’ll meet up at Zura’s in an hour and a half,” Gintoki singsonged and hung up. This way, at least, he could get to know Hijikata better. Even if little by little.

 

*****

 

    As Gintoki was getting ready, the unfamiliar twisting in his gut came back. He regretted following Hijikata last night. He had overstepped his boundaries and ended up eavesdropping on something he wished he didn’t witness. Now he understood why Hijikata acted the way he does. He did it to protect himself, he did it so that he wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. But even if Hijikata was convinced it was a way to shield himself, Gintoki knew it was only hurting him more. He knew because in a way, they were similar to each other. Having been sheltered for majority of his life, he had been deprived of many things he wished he could have. He wished he was one of those people who had a lot of achievements in their life, but Gintoki couldn’t have that because he was sickly and he hated it. All he had was his dear piano and his friends.

   A phone ringing snapped him out of his thoughts. Clucking his tongue, he fumbled for his phone which was somewhere under the covers of his bed. Finally, he found it and pressed it against his ear.

   “Hah?” he grunted in response.

   “Gintoki!” Katsura exclaimed loudly, making Gintoki wince. “I called everyone. Sakamoto and Mutsu said they’ll try to come, they have something to take care of. Apparently there was a problem in one of their companies and lost a lot of money, so they have to go there to fix it. Takasugi, of course, tried to refuse but I threatened him that I’ll reveal one of his most embarrassing secrets if he didn’t come along.”

   The silver haired man couldn’t contain his smile. “Ah, Hijikata’s coming too. I had to force him though. Long story short, I provoked him and now I’m quite eager to watch him skate.”

   “Right. I booked the place until eight pm, by the way,” he informed. “What time will you be here?”

   “I’m just going to have lunch, then I’ll get my driver to take me there.” By lunch he meant having three chocolate parfaits and maybe a bowl of sweet bean rice.

   “Okay.” He hung up.

   Gintoki tied his shoelaces and grabbing his coat, left his room. He whistled as he walked down the stairs and into the dining room. He took a seat as one of the maids rushed towards him.

   “Are you going anywhere, Master Gintoki?” she asked him with a smile on her face.

   “I’m heading over to Zura’s today,” he told her, rubbing his neck absentmindedly. “Are there any parfaits left?”

   “Sir, you know you can’t eat things that are too sweet,” the maid said. Gintoki frowned. Right. He was supposed to watch over his diet now. Before he could manage eating two or three sweets, but now if he ate anything that was very, very sweet, he would start palpitating. He couldn’t even finish the cake Katsura baked the day Sakamoto came back because it had been too sweet for him.

   “Okay, then, just…give me whatever you have,” he sighed, and the maid nodded, walking quickly towards the kitchen.

   Gintoki rested his chin on his palm with a small frown on his face. He really hated being a man with a bad heart. He couldn’t eat the same things most people do. He was allowed to do exercise, but only light ones, otherwise he would have an attack. He can’t even run as fast as he wanted to.

   “You seem busy,” a voice behind him said. Gintoki looked over his shoulder and there, standing by the doorway, was Yoshida Shouyou.

  “Yeah, it’s been a long time since I’ve been actively going out and participating in activities other than piano, you know?” he chuckled. Shouyou took a seat across him.

   The maid then came out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of salmon and brown rice. Picking up his chopsticks, Gintoki began to slurp down his food. The maid asked Shouyou if he wanted anything, but he shook his head and she scurried away.

   “How do you find that Hijikata kid? Is he to your liking?” Shouyou asked, making Gintoki choke, startled.

    Gintoki choked on his food and frowned deeply as he saw Shouyou smiling at him. He wanted to smack that smug look away from his face.

   “Wha-What are you saying!” he coughed, downing some water.

   “I’m kidding, Gintoki,” he laughed. “I’m trying to say you get along well with him. He seems to have taken a liking in you too.”

   “Well – what can I say, I’m very adorable after all,” Gintoki said haughtily.

   “That is also true,” Shouyou chuckled at his comment and then folded his arms on the table. “Are you going to visit him?”

   “Yes, I am. And since it’s December, I can go skating right?” he asked hopefully.

   “Gintoki, you know the doctor said you have to take care and watch your health.”

   “But that’s all I’ve done all these years! Please? Zura and Takasugi will be there anyway! They can watch over me, right? Father, please, let me have this fun once in my life. I miss skating. I miss going out with my friends. Please?”

    Shouyou pursed his lips. Gintoki crossed his fingers under the table. He really wanted to do this, just this, for Hijikata. It was important to him because it was his only shot of making Hijikata feel better about himself, or at least lessen the burdens on his shoulders. Finally, Shouyou spoke, “Okay. But promise me you won’t overexert yourself, alright?”

   Gintoki grinned. “Of course.”

 

*****

 

    “Sorry, I’m late!” Gintoki panted as he came bursting into Katsura’s room. His back was drenched in sweat; he had run up the stairs just in case they’d gotten mad over the fact Gintoki hadn’t arrived yet. He was incredibly unfit, just running up the stairs left him winded. Luckily, though, it wasn’t so bad that he needed to take his pills. That was definitely good for him, it meant process and increasing the chances of him getting better and actually healed.

    Katsura was already next to him in a moment, giving him a gentle rub on the back as he handed him a glass of water. “Seriously, Gintoki, you’re the one who asked us to meet up and then you arrive late. You have to stop doing that.”

   “Right, apologies, Zura,” he took the glass and gulped it down.

  “It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” he protested, with a slight frown on his face.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Gintoki straightened up and placed the glass down on Katsura’s table. “Is everyone here?”

  “He looked at the room. It was pretty organized actually, compared to his own room which was incredibly messy. The bed was made, books were perfectly lined up in the bookshelf, and there weren’t any clothes strewn all over the floor. And – ah, there they were; Takasugi and Hijikata were glaring at each other with such ferocity, it made his skin crawl. But at the same time he found it sort of funny. Sakamoto and Mutsu, as Katsura had mentioned, were not in sight.

   “Oi, stop acting so childish, you two,” Katsura said, a bit miffed. “Really, when will you guys ever stop? It’s been months since you both met each other and you’re still like this.”

   “Stay the fuck out of it,” Hijikata shot Katsura a look. “He’s annoying, that’s why.” He then reached into the pockets of his jeans and lit up a cigarette.

   Katsura’s back was turned to Gintoki, so he was unable to see the expression on his face, but it must’ve been a pained look because Takasugi suddenly growled, “Don’t you dare talk to him like that!”

   Hijikata only scoffed, though, and rolled his eyes. He puffed out a smoke and turned towards Gintoki. “And you –”

   Takasugi was on him in a split second, his hands twisting Hijikata’s collar so hard it must have hurt. “Stop ignoring me when I’m talking to you!” he spat venomously.

   Katsura ran towards the two before Hijikata could say anything. “Stop!” he shouted, pulling Takasugi off Hijikata. “Stop, Takasugi. Get off him.”

   Takasugi flailed around, trying to get Katsura’s hands off of him. But then he leaned down and whispered something into Takasugi’s ear. Hijikata looked bewildered as he tried to squeeze his way out of Takasugi’s grip.

    “Fine,” he mumbled, then let go of Hijikata, who immediately grabbed his neck and started rubbing it. Then he did something neither he nor Hijikata expected; Takasugi looked straight into his cold blue eyes and bowed his head in apology. “Sorry. I got too carried away.”

   Hijikata, surprised though he was, turned a little pink. From embarrassment, perhaps? Whatever it was, Gintoki did not know nor did he want to. Instead, he smiled.

   “I-It’s okay…” the other boy mumbled, looking away and took a long drag from his cigarette. “Whatever. Let’s just go.” He grabbed his coat that had fallen off the bed and walked out of the door with Gintoki right behind him.

 

*****

 

    “Goodness,” Gintoki muttered under his breath as the ice rink came into view. It was even bigger than the last time he had been here. Usually, he would be bothered by the cold, but his excitement shook off his irritation. Being here made him feel like a kid again – before he’d found out about his health. Nostalgia hit him quicker than Gintoki had anticipated and couldn’t help but feel a little sad about his current situation.

   “How do you like it?” Katsura asked, striding along the side and towards the counter where they could get the shoes. Takasugi walked in front of Gintoki, making him walk real close to Hijikata. He could feel a slight blush on his cheeks. “It’s changed a lot since you’ve last been here. We renovated a bit, you know, to get more customers during the winter. We added some activities families could do during this time of the year.”

   “This place suddenly got really huge!” Gintoki exclaimed, eyes wide as he surveyed the place. The skating rink was still there as he remembered it, in the middle of the entire room. Across it there were escalators leading upstairs, where he guessed should have other sports like skiing and such.

   “Yes, I know,” Katsura seemed pleased with himself. “Here we are.” He stopped in front of a counter, where an old man was waiting for him.

   “Master Kotaro,” his voice was raspy, like he hadn’t taken a sip of water in days. “Welcome.”

   “Thank you, Taka-san,” Katsura replied politely with a small smile on his face. “You may go home. We’ll take care of things here.”

   The old man gave a deep bow to Katsura and then handed him a key. “Don’t forget to lock up,” he called behind him as he gathered up his things and rushed towards the exit.

   Katsura turned to them, spinning the keys on his finger. “Go and look for your sizes. I’ll just talk to Gintoki here for a moment.”

    His eyes bore onto Gintoki’s own, making him nervous. Takasugi looked a bit confused and annoyed as he would be left with Hijikata, but they went behind the counter anyway and tried fitting different sizes on.

    Katsura grabbed Gintoki’s arm and dragged him to a room where neither Takasugi nor Hijikata could hear them. The other boy stared at him for a long time, like he was expecting an explanation from him or something.

   “What?” Gintoki ran a hand through his hair and frowned. “Quit starin’ at me like that.”

   “You still haven’t answered my question earlier. Where were you last night?” he asked, narrowing his eyes as he crossed his arms together. “Don’t lie. That was definitely you I saw last night.”

   Gintoki sighed. There was no way avoiding this topic, was there? Slowly, he said, “I went to Hijikata’s.”

   If Katsura was surprised by this revelation, he did not show it. “And?”

   “I was getting worried sick about him. I couldn’t sleep at night, I wanted to know where he went off to and why he randomly disappeared,” he continued, the words just spilling out of his mouth. “So I asked Kondo-san for his address. It took some convincing, but he gave it in the end. He told me not to go that day, go on any other day but that day.”

   “I assume you went anyway.” Katsura always had good intuitions and Gintoki sometimes hated that about him. “What did you find?”

   “I’m not in position to tell but…I saw something I shouldn’t have,” he replied, shaking his head sadly. “I knew I shouldn’t have been there but...”

   “Is that why you called us out here?” he was on the right track again. “So you could take whatever was bothering Hijikata off his mind?”

   Gintoki nodded. Katsura said nothing to him for a while and then: “Okay.” And left the room. He shrugged and followed, and was surprised to see Takasugi and Hijikata conversing like civilized people for once. This struck him as weird; Takasugi had almost punched Hijikata earlier so he wouldn’t, for the life of him, start a conversation with someone he did not like, least of all Hijikata. The other wouldn’t either; Hijikata was too awkward for that.

   “Ohoho,” he chuckled as Katsura handed him a pair of shoes. Gintoki sat himself on a bench next to them and looked at them teasingly. “What might you two be talking about?”

   “Shut up,” Hijikata mumbled, his nose slightly pink. “Let’s just go.”

   Gintoki made a pleased face and entered the rink. His knees were a bit wobbly; he was a bit rusty since it had been a long time since he’d gone skating. Hijikata entered the last, looking a bit hesitant about what he was doing.

   Takasugi and Katsura had already disappeared, minding their own business. They were probably talking about work or something. Katsura knew Gintoki wanted to spend time with Hijikata, so he left them alone together.

   Gintoki, somehow, had made it to the middle of the rink, but Hijikata was still near the exit. He stood still, like he had no idea where he should go.

   “Thought you knew how to skate?” he called out loudly, to which Hijikata growled angrily at. “Didn’t you come here to prove me wrong?”

   “I-I did! Just…” Hijikata trailed off. Gintoki could see the look of panic in his eyes. The man had probably never gone skating in his life. He was surprised Hijikata managed to even stand on both feet without slipping.

   Gintoki smiled and glided slowly towards him. He stopped in front of him, his ears buzzing, cheeks the colour of strawberry. “You’ve never gone skating before, have you?”

   “N-No,” he murmured softly. Hijikata was purposely diverting his eyes from meeting with Gintoki’s, and he couldn’t blame him. _Sometimes when he’s near me, I feel like my heart’s going to burst._ Hijikata had said that about him last night. He wouldn’t deny he felt like that at times too. And one of those moments were right now.

  “Why’d you lie then?” he asked softly.

  “I didn’t want you to make fun of me.”

  “You could’ve refused.”

  “I didn’t want to.”

  “Why?”

  Hijikata did not answer. The two of them stayed still for a long time, not saying anything, Gintoki staring at Hijikata and him staring at his feet, avoiding the silver haired man’s eyes.

  “Do you want me to teach you?” Gintoki asked when he couldn’t bear the silence any longer.

  “What?” Hijikata was taken aback. Clearly he did not expect that.

  “Skating,” he said again, with a small smile on his face. “Do you want me to teach you how?”

  “O-Okay.”

  “Take my hand.” He held out his hand. Hijikata stared at it for a moment and hesitantly, took it.

  Gintoki’s face felt warm; he knew he was blushing. But Hijikata’s face was so flushed, his skin actually _looked_ red and he found this rather cute. To know that a man with such a hard exterior could become like that made Gintoki’s heart flutter.

   “Just follow me, okay?” Hijikata nodded as he moved slowly, one foot after another. They did this for a long time.

   “I think I finally got it.” He’d told Gintoki after an hour. “I got my balance now.”

   And he let go of his hand, which made Gintoki feel rather strange and lonely now that his hand was empty.  He watched as Hijikata cautiously slid across the rink and back to him. But he had gone too fast; in an attempt to try and stop himself from colliding with Gintoki, he slipped and fell on his butt. He couldn’t help but laugh.

   Hijikata’s frown was back on his face again. Obviously the fall had embarrassed him; Takasugi was in the corner snorting with laughter. And soon enough, the only sound you could hear in the entire building was the sound of their laughter.

   Then a new, unfamiliar sound joined theirs: it was the sound of Hijikata’s laugh, a man who they’ve never seen smile or laugh. It was the sound of a man who had been robbed of everything he ever cared about, a man who sought to live _laugh_. And perhaps it was that moment, Gintoki thought, that he realized he had fallen for Hijikata Toushirou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hohoho! Merry Christmas Eve! (It's 12 am where I live) Happy birthday Jesus!


	5. v.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gintoki?” Hijikata sounded a bit nervous from the other side of the phone.
> 
> “Yeah?”
> 
> “Can you – uh, can you come with me and visit my brother?”
> 
> “What?” Gintoki’s jaw fell open in shock. This was the first time Hijikata had decided (by himself) to open up to him.

   “Gintoki!” Shouyou called from downstairs. Gintoki was laying down on his bed as usual, playing his video game, when he remembered why Shouyou called for him. He was meant to go to the hospital today. Gintoki hated going there, obviously, but what other choice did he have?

   “Gintoki!” came Shouyou’s call again. Gintoki resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

   “Yeah, I’m coming!” He pulled himself up from the bed and very, very groggily got ready. The doctor always say the same exact thing over and over so many times that Gintoki had memorized his lines. ‘Don’t do this,’ she always says. ‘You should get some more bed rest,’ she says. ‘You’re getting better!’ she says. Always the same thing, but Gintoki never _felt_ better. If he didn’t feel better, he felt even worse.

   A pang in his chest made him stand very still for a couple minutes, gripping the closet knob so hard his knuckles turned white. Gintoki swallowed a few times, waiting for the pain to subside, but it didn’t. Hands trembling, he fumbled for his nearly empty bottle of pills on his bedside table and downed one or two tablets. Gintoki’s attacks just came out of nowhere at the most random times, so he had learned how to swallow pills with no need of water.

   Gintoki opened his closet as soon as the pain subsided and threw on whatever he could find; a pair of trousers, a cardigan on top of a plain blue shirt, and his favourite red scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. It didn’t really match, but he was no fashionista, so this would do.

   “Gintoki!” Shouyou called once more. “Are you done?”

   “Yes, I’m coming down now!”

  Sighing, he bounded down the steps, his feet making light thuds against the carpeted stairs. Shouyou was waiting for him in the living room, his long hair pulled loosely into a ponytail.

  “You ready?” he asked with a smile. Gintoki scowled.

  “More or less,” he sighed, “You know how I hate going there anyway.”

  “Hey, come on, don’t be like that!” Shouyou patted him on the shoulder. “Last time she told you that you were getting better right?”

  “She said that to make you think I’m getting better, but in actuality, I am not,” he huffed out in frustration.

  Shouyou’s smile faltered. Gintoki immediately felt bad, but what was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to lie? Smile, nod along, and pretend he was okay when really, he was going to leave them sooner or later? If Gintoki was going to die, he would want to leave them knowing that he at least left them with happy memories.

   “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I just…”

   “No, it’s okay,” Shouyou shook his head and that kind smile of his was on his face again. “I understand your feelings, Gintoki. I understand that it pains you to know you might leave us soon, but you mustn’t think that. You have to stay strong, okay? For me. For your friends.”

   Gintoki nodded, but he was still unconvinced. It’s been ten years since he was diagnosed, ten years since he’s been hearing the same lie over and over and over, ten years for him to believe he was gradually getting better but he wasn’t. At some point, perhaps, he was, but he sure didn’t feel like it either.

   “Okay. Let’s go.” Shouyou grabbed his coat and headed outside with Gintoki following closely behind.

 

*****

 

   By the time they had arrived at the hospital, Gintoki was completely knackered. They’d taken the car, but they still had to walk from the parking lot all the way to the reception to get his doctor’s appointment. He usually didn’t feel like this, but perhaps it had just something to do with his reluctance of going to the hospital.

   “Excuse me,” Shouyou said to the young nurse by the reception. “I’m here for Sakata Gintoki’s appointment.” He pointed at Gintoki who shot the nurse a smile. She blushed.

   “May I ask the name of the doctor?” she asked sweetly.

   “Doctor Ayano,” he replied, drumming his fingers onto the smooth counter.

   The nurse typed something into her computer. After awhile, she said, “Ah yes, Doctor Terada Ayano. She arrived a few minutes ago. Take the elevator to the third floor, then head straight down to the left. Her office is the second door on your right.”

   Shouyou thanked her and they walked quickly towards the elevator. Gintoki did not like the stares people gave him while in the hospital, whether he was going for his regular checkup or getting some more of his medicine; Gintoki was more or less used to it, but it still made him uncomfortable.

  Gintoki hopped into the elevator just before the doors slammed closed. Shouyou pressed the button leading to the third floor and the whole elevator was quiet. It was unsettling; it unnerved him. He wanted someone to talk to him, just to distract him from the dark thoughts making its way into his mind.

   Before he could stop himself, he asked, “Shouyou. What do you think will happen if I…” he trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence.

   Shouyou shot him a hard look, “Gintoki. You’re still young. You still have a long way to go. We talked about this in the morning. You’re not going anywhere, alright?”

   Gintoki nodded. But he still couldn’t shake off the feeling of dread pooling at the bottom of his stomach. The elevator dinged and they stepped out. Gintoki followed Shouyou as he repeatedly wiped the palms of his hands onto his trousers. He tried not to think of the bad things the doctor could tell him.

   “Here we are,” Shouyou said after a few minutes. He knocked on the door. Gintoki tried to swallow down the lump that was forming in his throat.

   “Come in,” came the voice of an old woman. Shouyou pushed the door open and the smell of anesthetic filled his nose. Gintoki immediately felt nauseous.

   “Good morning, Mr. Yoshida, Mr. Gintoki,” Doctor Ayano said. She was an old woman, her brown hair tucked neatly into a bun on her head. She surveyed Gintoki and stopped to meet his eyes.

    “He’s here for his regular checkup,” Shouyou cut in. “You told us to come back after two weeks.”

    “Oh, right,” she leaned back against her chair, shuffling the papers on her table until she found Gintoki’s file. She scanned through it quickly, her mouth pressed into a small thin line. “How’ve you been doing, Gintoki?”

    “I’ve been well,” he replied quickly. He wanted it over with already.

   “I changed your prescriptions last time right?” she asked. “Does it make the pain go away faster now?”

   “Yes,” he nodded. With his old prescriptions, it took a long time for the pain in his chest to subside, and often it was so unbearable he would pass out. With the new ones though, it took only a few moments before it disappeared, and would come back less often than before.

   “Mhmm, that’s good,” she smiled. “I still need to run some examinations and tests on you, though. Then you can go.”

    She stood up and sat next to Gintoki; Shouyou stood by the door, his arms crossed, watching. With a heavy heart, he shrugged off his clothes and closed his eyes, eager to go out of the hospital already.

 

*****

 

   “Hey, Zura,” Gintoki said, looking up at the ceiling of his room, laying down on his bed. His fingers were locked across his stomach. Takasugi was off doing something family related and Sakamoto and Mutsu were still out trying to fix their business, so it was just him and Katsura hanging out in his room. He was sat on the floor, leaning against Gintoki’s bed. He was scribbling something on his book, but Gintoki didn’t really care about it.

   “It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” he replied with a slight annoyance in his voice. “What?” He looked at Gintoki.

   “Do you think I should tell Hijikata?” he asked. “About my heart, I mean. I don’t think I should hide it from him any longer.”

   “Are you comfortable with it?” Katsura looked at him with sad eyes. “Do you think you’re ready?”

   The question was, was he? Was Gintoki ready to tell Hijikata something that could, perhaps, change their relationship? He couldn’t bear telling Hijikata something as huge as that, couldn’t bear losing him as a friend. And he grew up with such _painful_ circumstances…did Gintoki really want to add to his pain? Hijikata might not show it, but Gintoki knew, he _knew_ he appreciated finally having friends, even if they annoyed him to no end.

   But who was Gintoki to hide it from him? Everyone knew about his heart problem, all except Hijikata. Wouldn’t it hurt him more if he found out everyone knew except him? Wouldn’t it hurt him more if Gintoki disappeared one day and never came back and Hijikata found out too late? He didn’t want that to happen; he loved him too much to let that happen to him.

   At last, he said, “I don’t know. I mean, I sort of am but…” Gintoki sighed in frustration. “I don’t want to hurt him. But hiding it from him would be a bad move.”

   “It’s up to you, Gintoki,” Katsura patted his leg. “Just know that whatever it is you decide, I’ll be here to support you.”

   He had a feeling Katsura knew more than he let on. And that was fine with him, really. He knew Katsura would never force Gintoki to talk to him about something; he waited until he himself would approach him about it.

   Something vibrated in his pocket, making Gintoki flinch in surprise. Sighing, he picked it up and said, “Hello?”

   “Gintoki?” Hijikata sounded a bit nervous from the other side of the phone.

   “Yeah?”

   “Can you – uh, can you come with me and visit my brother?”

   “What?” Gintoki’s jaw fell open in shock. This was the first time Hijikata had decided (by himself) to open up to him.

   “My brother. He – He wants to meet you.”

   “What? W-Why?”

   “Just – ! He just does. I – I’ll pick you up. Be there in fifteen.”

   He hung up. Gintoki stared at his phone screen in disbelief. Hijikata’s _brother_ wants to meet _him?_ Why Gintoki of all people? That’s not the real question here – why does his brother even _know_ Gintoki? Unless, of course, Hijikata had talked about him at some point or the other, but still…Should he go?

    “Who was that?” Katsura’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

    “Hijikata. He asked if I could come with him and visit his brother.”

    “You should go,” he suggested. 

    “No! Why should I?”

    “Don’t you want to spend time with him?” he smiled slyly, which made Gintoki flush. “And he asked _you_ , didn’t he? Hijikata’s finally opening up to you. Why not take this opportunity to get to know him more?”

    Gintoki pursed his lips. Katsura _was_ right. He could also use this as a chance to tell Hijikata. Perhaps it was too soon, but he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He needed to tell him. And like always, Gintoki took his friend’s advice and went along with it.

   He pushed himself off the bed, ruffling his already messy hair. Katsura stood, walked over to the door and said, “I have to get going then, if you’re coming with him.”

   “Okay. See you, Zura,” With his back turned, Gintoki gave him a backward wave.

   “It’s not Zura-!” he started but stopped and chuckled lightly instead. “You already know. See you, Gintoki.”

   He closed the door softly behind him. It took Gintoki about ten minutes to decide what he wanted to wear; he wanted to look at least presentable and neat to Hijikata’s brother. This left him only five minutes to spare and get ready and as he finally slid on his shoes, his phone rang, indicating Hijikata’s arrival.

   “Yeah?” he answered, tucking his phone in between his ear and shoulder as he tied his shoe laces.

   “I’m outside.”

   “Okay, I’ll be down in a second.”

   He quickly wrapped his scarf around his neck and threw open his door. Gintoki bolted down the stairs, his feet making loud thuds behind him. Soon, he was outside, his forehead already damp with sweat.

    “Took you a long time,” Hijikata told him as he chucked his cigarette on the ground and extinguished it with his foot. He lit another one again.

   Gintoki looked at Hijikata. _He looked so good_. His dark hair was tucked inside a beanie, a blue scarf wrapped around his neck, and he wore casual clothes but he _looked so good_. How could someone make casual clothing look so good? His face grew warm.

    “What the fuck you lookin’ at?” he demanded, jutting his chin towards Gintoki.

    “N-Nothing,” he shook his head quickly. He then looked around; he had half expected there to be a car or something, but there was none. His face scrunched up in confusion. “Did you walk here?”

     Hijikata nodded. “I live close by.”

    He wasn’t thinking of going wherever they were going on _foot_ , right? Gintoki wouldn’t last all day in this cold! He can’t risk going out in this cold again! The night he went to the cemetery and the day they went skating were far, far different from the weather today. It was even snowing!

    Hijikata seemed to have read his mind because he suddenly said, “If you’re worried about going on foot, don’t worry. I’m going to call a cab.”

   “Don’t you have a car or something?”

   He gave him a hard look, and Gintoki fell silent. He completely forgot how his family was like towards Hijikata! He thought he might’ve gotten angry, but then he spoke again, though quietly this time: “I don’t know how to drive.”

    Gintoki knew that wasn’t the whole truth, so he played along. Grinning, he elbowed Hijikata on the side and said, “Come on! What kind of rich kid doesn’t know how to drive?”

   This made him scowl. “Katsura doesn’t either!”

   “No – he does. His father just doesn’t let him. Last time he drove, he almost got us killed.” Gintoki smiled at the memory. That was one of the most memorable moments he remembered, alright. Katsura had forgotten to shift to drive and hit the accelerator when it was in reverse gear. He crashed the car by a nearby post; luckily no one was hurt, though Gintoki remembered he had a really bad attack and ended up in the hospital. Katsura felt so guilty he came bursting into the hospital room in tears as soon as Gintoki woke up. He recalled Katsura profusely apologizing to him and even though he’s told him it was alright, he still continued doing it anyway.

    “The fuck you grinnin’ so stupidly about?” Hijikata asked as he exhaled smoke. “Well? Shall we get goin’ then, or do ya want to stand there forever’n look like an idiot?”

    “Jeez, chill, Hijikata,” Gintoki chuckled. “Let’s go.”

 

*****

 

   If Gintoki had been expecting that he was going to a big house, he certainly did not expect Hijikata would take him to the hospital. Just the thought of his visit earlier made him feel disgusted with himself. He didn’t expect going back here so soon; and he was a regular here, so he was sure the staff would recognize him. And weren’t they visiting Hijikata’s brother? Why were they in the hospital?

   _Perhaps he’s a doctor here,_ Gintoki thought to himself.

   They reached the reception, and luckily, it wasn’t the nurse from earlier. In fact, the nurse on duty was someone he had never seen before. They were probably new. If the nurse had been a regular, Gintoki didn’t know what he would do with himself if Hijikata started asking him questions when he wasn’t quite ready yet.

   Speaking of which, he planned telling it to him later when they get back. He’d lost his chance in the cab because Gintoki fell asleep. On him. On Hijikata. He burned with embarrassment because he left a pool of drool there, on his shirt, but the other man just waved it off and said it was fine, though Gintoki could tell he was a bit irritated.

   The thought made him flush with shame again.

  “Good evening,” Hijikata said politely.

  “Good evening, sir, how may I help you?” The nurse was a man who looked to be in his mid-thirties. His name tag read Hasegawa Taizou.

  “I’m here to see Hijikata Tamegoro.”

  He typed something into the computer, then looked up, “Ah, right, Hijikata-san. Room 708.”

  _Room 708_. Did that mean Hijikata’s brother was admitted here?

  “Thank you,” Hijikata bowed to him and headed straight to the elevator. He seemed to know where to go, seemed to know the hospital by heart. He didn’t even need to ask for the directions. _Like he’s been here almost every single day_.

   Gintoki knew every single inch of this hospital, so that room the nurse gave was definitely, _definitely_ a patient’s room. He felt even more uneasy now. If his brother was admitted here, how could Gintoki ever hope to tell Hijikata about his condition?

   “Your brother…” Gintoki started but trailed off. He couldn’t finish his sentence. How can he? But Hijikata seemed to know what he wanted to say because he nodded his head.

   “Yeah. He’s confined here,” he said quietly.

   “Why?”

   “He has tuberculosis,” Hijikata said quietly, “We found out too late he had it though. He was admitted here a few weeks ago.”

   Gintoki had nothing to say. His mouth opened and closed with empty words, trying to find something to utter.

   “Why does he want to meet me?” he finally managed to say.

   Hijikata turned red at his words. “I-I, uh, may have talked to him a little a-about y-you…”

   “Oh.”

  They got off the elevator and now Gintoki felt lightheaded. This corridor…This was where his old room was located in. The room he had spent majority of his life in. He felt nauseous again. Gintoki really _did not like hospitals._

  Hijikata and Gintoki headed towards Tamegoro’s room without a word. The only thing Gintoki could hear was his heart racing so fast, it hurt; he thought he was going to have a heart attack right there and then. But he knew it was because he was standing close to Hijikata. Their shoulders were almost touching.

  “Here we are,” Hijikata said quietly. His hands trembled as he opened the door. Could it be he was nervous because of Gintoki?

  “Nii-san,” he said loudly as he entered. Gintoki hesitated. Should he go in? 

  “I brought him here,” Hijikata said softly as he took a seat next to his brother.

   Tamegoro was the spitting image of Hijikata. They both appeared to be very handsome and attractive men; they had short, dark hair, and a big build. But the only difference were their eyes. While Hijikata’s were gun-metal blue, Tamegoro’s were more of the colour of hazel.

   “Gintoki, was it?” Tamegoro smiled at him. “C’mere.”

   He stepped forward nervously but smiled at him. “Hi.” He said awkwardly, doing a tiny wave with his fingers.

   “Is this the boy you’ve been talking about, Toushi?” Tamegoro teased him light-heartedly, winking.

   Hijikata blushed. “I told you not to tell anyone that!”

   His brother chuckled. “Ah, well. Toushi’s told me a lot of wonderful things about you. Thanks for putting up with him. I know he’s a pain in the ass.”

   Gintoki laughed.

 

*****

 

   As it turned out, Tamegoro was the complete opposite of Hijikata. He was full of smiles and laughs; he even threw a few jokes around. Gintoki had a lot of fun, up until the time he’d said something so ridiculous that Tamegoro laughed at so hard, he started coughing. Hijikata moved swiftly; he had already connected a breathing mask onto his brother’s mouth and pumped air into it. The nurse arrived just then, nostrils flaring, and gave Tamegoro a scolding. She then kicked Gintoki and Hijikata out, screeching about how he needed to have a rest and visiting hours were over.

   Now they were outside, waiting for Gintoki’s driver. He didn’t want to spend money and ride another cab. Hijikata squatted down by the sidewalk, smoking another cigarette, and Gintoki leaned against a lamp post, scrolling down his Twitter. But he didn’t find anything interesting, so he just shoved it back inside his pocket. Social media was a boring thing.

  Gintoki tilted his head back and looked at the night sky. It was a beautiful night. The moon was shining; it looked a bit red from where he was though. The stars were twinkling, as though they were smiling at him. This time was the perfect chance to tell Hijikata about his condition. He should say it now, before he loses his chance to say so.

   He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Gintoki couldn’t find the words to say. ‘Hey, Hijikata, did you know, I have a heart disease that will probably kill me?’ didn’t seem to cut it. So how was he supposed to tell him? _How?_

   “Hijikata,” he began, holding his breath. There was no backing out now.

   “What?” he said, extinguishing his cigarette on the ground. He stood up, dusting himself off. He walked towards Gintoki and stopped in front of him.

    He was too close. _He was so close Gintoki could breathe in his scent_. Hijikata smelled faintly of musk, cigarettes, snow and something else he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Hijikata’s blue eyes were staring at him. His heart pounded erratically.

   “I –” _I have a heart disease and I’m more than likely to die soon._ But the words didn’t come out of Gintoki’s mouth. Rather, he couldn’t say it. He looked away. He couldn’t say it. Not when those eyes felt like they were burning his image into Hijikata’s mind. Gintoki took a deep, uneven breath and started again, “I…I have-”

   Gintoki stopped, his eyes widening in shock. _Hijikata was kissing him._ His lips were soft. So, so, so soft, he thought he was going to melt. And though they were not really touching, he could _feel_ Hijikata’s warmth, he could _hear_ the irregular pounding of his heart; his long eyelashes were tickling Gintoki’s cheekbones and he closed his eyes, and kissed him back. But then Hijikata broke away, leaving Gintoki to want more. Hijikata buried his face into his scarf, blushing furiously.

   “What-” Gintoki tried to say, but the words couldn’t form. _Hijikata kissed him_.

   “I – You seemed to have a lot of things on your mind so…” he mumbled incoherently. _So I kissed you._ Hijikata didn’t need to finish his sentence because Gintoki understood.

   Hijikata cared for him.

   And that made it harder for Gintoki to tell him he had a heart problem.

   Because he had a time limit on his life.

   Because he can’t make him, or anyone else, happy.

   Because he loved and cared about Hijikata too much to let him get hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, folks! I wasn't going to update until next week, but it's new year, so screw it. Also, I'm bad at descriptive first kisses. Please forgive me. Enjoy :)


	6. vi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki leaned against the wall, his forehead resting against the cool and smooth surface. He felt like he was about to throw up everything in his stomach. His head was pounding and oh God, his chest. His chest hurt so much. He clutched at it, felt as his heart beat painfully against his rib cage. His throat closed up, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He tried to gasp for air, but what came out instead was a choked sound.

    “What happened yesterday?” Katsura asked. He and Gintoki were in the car, on their way to a recital. Takasugi left later than them though – he mumbled something about forgetting to memorize his notes, but Gintoki had a feeling it was something else. Maybe Katsura and Takasugi had a falling out.

    “Nothing,” he muttered, though he couldn’t hide his face that was beginning to turn red.

    He still couldn’t believe it. Hijikata kissed _him._ Gintoki was up all night, tossing and turning, because he could still feel the way their lips perfectly mended with each other, the softness of Hijikata’s lips despite the fact that the man was a chain smoker. He remembered the warmth of his body, _how close they had been_ , his scent, the soft but erratic pounding of his heart, _everything._

   “Gintoki?” Katsura’s voice snapped him back to reality.

   “Wh-What?” Gintoki stammered.

   “Are you alright?” he asked, his voice full of concern.

   “Yeah, yeah I am,” he nodded, sweat forming at the nape of his neck.

   Katsura pursed his lips, but he still looked unconvinced. Gintoki looked at his hands, and tried to think up of a topic to talk about. But the only thing that he could think of was Hijikata’s lips against his.

   “So did you tell him?” Katsura asked.

   Gintoki shook his head, “No. I – I couldn’t…I lost my chance.” _I also don’t want to hurt him_.

   “It’s up to you, Gintoki. I just hope you don’t wait too long.”

   “I won’t.”

 

*****

 

  “Are you guys ready?” Kondo asked, clapping his hands together with a huge grin on his face.

  Gintoki, Hijikata, Katsura and Takasugi all sat next to each other. Just by looking at the room, you can tell how nervous they were, actually. Gintoki must’ve taken at least three pills in the bathroom because he was so anxious his heart started to hurt. Now, at least, his nerves have settled down and he actually felt relaxed.

  Save for the fact Hijikata was sitting next to him.

  Katsura and Takasugi haven’t said a word to each other, either. In fact, if Gintoki looked hard enough, he c _an see_ that the two were flushed. Really flushed. _I wonder what happened between them last night_ , Gintoki thought. He smirked.

  “What’re you lookin’ so smug about?” Hijikata asked quietly, raising an eyebrow at Gintoki. His heart skipped a beat. They haven’t talked to each other since the kiss. And neither of them had thought of bringing up the topic either.

   “Nothin’,” Gintoki muttered.

   “Takasugi, you’re up!” Kondo called from near the stage. The man made to stand up, but not before shooting Katsura a look (that Gintoki totally caught), and seeming a bit happy about something. Katsura smiled contentedly to himself.

   “Something happened between you two?” Gintoki asked under his breath.

   Katsura had a sort of weird and goofy smile on his face as he watched Takasugi get on stage which made Gintoki feel weird because he had never seen his friend make _that_ kind of face in his life. But when he asked the question, his expression faltered and his cheeks flushed. Katsura crossed his arms, then stuttered, “N-Nothing.”

   “Zura, I’ve never seen you make that kind of face in my life,” Gintoki pointed out, and poked him on the side teasingly.

   “He – He, uh…” he trailed off, looking so embarrassed he didn’t know where to start. “We –”

   “Are you two a thing now?” Gintoki asked straightforwardly, and Katsura’s eyes bulged so hard they looked like they were going to pop out.

   “Wh-What!” he exclaimed nervously, smacking Gintoki lightly on the shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

   “Aw, it’s okay, Zura!” he joked, “There’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about!” He then added, wiggling his eyebrows, “Did you do some _sexy_ things last night while I was out?”

   “Gintoki!”

   The expression Katsura had just then confirmed Gintoki’s suspicions, which made the situation a lot funnier because of how flustered he looked. Katsura was trying to convince Gintoki that absolutely nothing happened between him and Takasugi, but there was no point because he already knew.

   “Zura, relax, relax!” he laughed, getting ahold of Katsura’s shoulders. He looked like he was about to cry honestly. “I won’t tell anyone.”

   “You better!” he said in a hushed tone.

   “Hey, Katsura!” Kondo called again, gesturing for him to get up.

   “Yes, I’m coming!” he quickly walked towards Kondo and Gintoki was soon left alone with Hijikata.

   Now all the joking and playful vibe disappeared, leaving Gintoki in an awkward yet painful situation with Hijikata. Neither spoke a word; they didn’t even look at each other. He wanted to say something about what happened last night. He wanted to tell him about his illness once and for all, but he couldn’t even open his mouth.

   “Gintoki,” Hijikata started, fiddling with his hands awkwardly. “A-About last night. I-I’m sorry. I – I don’t know what came over me... so I-I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore…”

   _Don’t apologize,_ he wanted to say, but his lips couldn’t form a single sentence. He wanted to let him know that he actually _enjoyed_ the kiss, even though it had taken him by surprise at first. Just then Kondo called Gintoki over and now it was his turn to play. He glanced at Hijikata, who had a conflicted look on his face, before standing up and going over to Kondo.

    Patting him on the shoulder, Kondo wished him luck and gave him a little push as a means of encouragement. Gintoki was on stage again, after what seemed like _years_ , and now his nerves came back. Edginess thrummed throughout his whole body and suddenly he felt like he was enclosed in a small space.

    Gintoki bowed to the judges and gracefully walked towards the piano, sat down with his back straight. He took deep breaths to calm himself down and began playing.

    When he was a kid, he was told that when he played, he played with such dexterity and emotions that it often sounded pleasing to people. So Gintoki sort of developed a habit of pouring his feelings onto the musical notes, pouring every single thing he wished he could say out loud but chose not to.

    As he played, he thought of the frustrations and pain he’d felt being a burden to everyone around him. He thought of his helplessness; being a sickly kid with a heart problem often brought him in and out of the hospital. He thought of the nights he’d spent crying, wishing he could just end his miserable life to finally end the countless misfortunes he’d given to people. He thought of his days in the hospital, watching the people outside the window living a normal life Gintoki could _never_ have.

    But then he thought of Hijikata. He thought of the first night they met, his ever so beautiful and captivating eyes, gazing at him intently like he was burning his image into his mind. He thought of his laugh, the magnificent feeling of having made someone who wished to end his own loneliness and pain _laugh_. Gintoki thought of the day he taught him how to skate; how stubborn, yet cute he was that day. Then he thought about their kiss and how warm and tingly and _happy_ it made him.

   And when Gintoki was done playing, he suddenly felt overwhelmed with the emotions that suddenly hit him like a blast, he began feeling light-headed. He hit the one final note and let his finger linger there for a split second longer. He felt nauseous and dizzy as he stood up, giving the judges another bow before going back stage again.

   “Good job, Gintoki!” Kondo told him with a huge smile but the dull throb of his head was still there.

   “Thanks,” he said quietly and made his way back towards his friends.

   “That was beautiful,” Katsura said to him, giving him a slight pat on the back. Takasugi sat next to him and Hijikata was looking at Gintoki with a weird expression on his face.

    Gintoki leaned against the wall, his forehead resting against the cool and smooth surface. He felt like he was about to throw up everything in his stomach. His head was pounding and oh God, his _chest._ His chest hurt so much. He clutched at it, felt as his heart beat painfully against his rib cage. His throat closed up, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He tried to gasp for air, but what came out instead was a choked sound. What followed was intense pain and Gintoki fell to the floor, coughing and wheezing. _He couldn’t breathe._

    “Gintoki!” Takasugi was next to him in a second, cradling his head as he struggled for breath. They were prepared for these kind of things that happened to Gintoki at the most random of times. “Zura! Call for an ambulance! He’s having an attack!”

    His long haired friend, who was staring at Gintoki in the moment of shock, finally snapped out of his trance and quickly dialed 119.

    “Gintoki! Stay with me buddy – help is coming, okay?” Takasugi looked over his shoulder and shouted for Kondo, who came running as fast as he could.

    But everything became hazy and blurry. Gintoki’s ears buzzed. He couldn’t hear what other people were saying; he could hear only the painful throbbing of his own heart beating against his chest. His vision glazed over, and the last thing he saw was Hijikata’s panicked expression before he lost consciousness.

 

*****

 

    To say that Hijikata was surprised is an understatement. In fact, in those short moments that he saw Gintoki fall to the ground, he felt confusion, panic, worry and surprise all at the same time. Even as he watched the paramedics haul Gintoki onto a stretcher, place an oxygen mask into his mouth, and hearing them shout: “Patient is a twenty five year old man! Heart failure!” he still couldn’t quite comprehend it.

   The words _heart failure_ kept echoing in his mind, yet his brain refused to process the information. How could someone as young as Gintoki already have a serious health condition like that? He didn’t even look it. But as Hijikata thought back to those moments when Gintoki was all of a sudden winded, those times he had shortness of breaths, the way he covered his whole body from the cold, the way he never did any exercise – it finally made sense to Hijikata now.

    Sakata Gintoki was suffering from a heart disease.

    Yet he never told Hijikata, and that made him so angry his blood started to boil. All this time, Hijikata thought he finally found someone different, someone he thought he could finally _trust_ , someone he thought he could finally _care about_ other than Tamegoro himself. How fucking wrong he was.

    Whenever he was so _fucking_ close to shattering his own wall, bullshit like this _always_ happened. Hijikata was so fucking close to letting Gintoki within his walls, so close to letting Gintoki _break_ him, only to find out that he was probably just going to die and leave him to wallow in self-hatred and pity.

   Hijikata couldn’t believe it. Cussing out loud, he reached into his pocket and furiously lit up a cigarette. He brought it to his lips, taking a long drag before exhaling a huge puff of smoke out. He started smoking when he was younger to show his family that he _didn’t_ need to follow all their orders all the fucking time and that he didn’t need them to survive; that he can hold out on his own without their help. But as the years passed by, he grew more and more addicted to it, and now he just couldn’t stop. Whenever he was stressed out, nicotine was there to relieve it. Smoking, in its own way, had become Hijikata’s go-to whenever he ran into a problem.

   “Hijikata,” Katsura touched his shoulder and he flinched – not because of Katsura, but because he just wasn’t used to being touched by someone else that wasn’t Kondo or Tamegoro. The long haired man didn’t seem to have noticed it though. He still looked uneasy, edgy and panicky.

    “What?” he spat angrily, regarding Katsura with a cold look.

    “We have to go to the hospital.”

   “You have a shit ton of explaining to do.” He walked past him and kicked at the ground. As much as he hated to admit it, he _did_ need to take care of his temper. Because sometimes he would get so pissed off, he would take it out on someone or himself by smoking an entire pack, or beat at and kick anything within sight.

    Hijikata threw his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. Thinking about going to the hospital made him _so fucking angry_ , his vision turned red. He had never felt so betrayed in his life – not when his mom died, even though she promised him she would never leave his side, not even when his good-for-nothing father told him he was going to have a ‘great time’ living with his side of the family. He was angry at Gintoki and his friends because they _all_ knew about it, yet never bothered telling Hijikata. And for what? To protect him? He’d had enough of ‘protecting’ to last him a fucking life time. He was fucking sick of it. But he was mostly angry at himself, though, because he had stupidly let someone play with his feelings again.

    Takasugi unlocked the car and Hijikata marched towards it and leapt into the backseat. Kondo had decided to go with Gintoki on the ambulance because he was their teacher. Katsura had made a call to Shouyou already, to inform him that Gintoki had another attack and was now being rushed into the hospital.

   Being here now, trapped in his own thoughts, he couldn’t help but wonder about Gintoki. As angry as he was, Hijikata was also concerned. He wasn’t so fucking heartless that he wouldn’t care about someone he knew who had just been admitted to the hospital (except for his family, maybe – they could rot in hell for all he cared). How long had Gintoki been feeling shitty about his condition? How long had he had this condition? Was it terminal? Was it a really bad heart problem that he could _die_ from it? Were there no treatments for it? Will he get better?

   “God _fucking_ dammit,” he swore loudly, punching the back of the car seat as hard as he could. Katsura gasped, but looked at him sadly through the mirror as Takasugi started the car. He hadn’t said a word since Gintoki had his attack. Good. Hijikata would have fucking lashed at him if he did so much as _breathe_ near him.

   “Hijikata,” Katsura started, still looking at him with those sad eyes. He wanted to fucking scream at him, tell him to stop looking at him like that, but he held his tongue. Katsura continued, “I’m sorry about not telling you about Gintoki. He was planning to but-”

    “Don’t fucking apologize to me. Just drive to the fucking hospital.”

   Katsura sighed.

 

*****

 

    Hijikata wasn’t even the least bit surprised Gintoki went to the same hospital his brother did. That explained why he looked anxious as fuck when he asked him to meet Tamegoro. Now that he thought about it, he wished he’d never done that. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have kissed Gintoki, and he wouldn’t be here, sitting by the emergency room in anticipation and fear.

    Though he _did_ like kissing Gintoki, Hijikata himself couldn’t understand why he felt the urge to do that. All he remembered was that they had been too fucking close to each other, so close he could hear how quick his breaths came in and out. Hijikata had been tempted by fate, because during those moments, Gintoki looked _so fucking_ vulnerable and innocent that Hijikata kissed him. Yup. Just fucking kissed him _right there_ and he recalled his stomach churning over, his chest fluttering, and Hijikata didn’t want to stop. But he had to pull away, he _had_ to before it got any worse than that.

    He began tapping the floor, just to relieve some stress. Hijikata wasn’t allowed to smoke inside the hospital, and as much as he wanted to go up to the roof, he didn’t want to miss Gintoki. He tilted his head back so that it was resting on the wall. Through squinted eyes, he could see Takasugi and Katsura sitting together. Even if they were trying to hide it, Hijikata can see their hands intertwined with each other. Good for them, then. At least they have each other.

    Seeing that though, reminded Hijikata of a few days back, when Gintoki taught him how to skate, how their hands fit perfectly together, and how embarrassed Hijikata felt. No one, not even his brother, had held his hand with so much delicacy and warmth. Thinking about that made Hijikata feel flushed again and he gritted his teeth in an attempt to stop himself from punching the fucking wall. What the hell was that all about? He was so fucking _confused_.

   “Shouyou-san?” the doctor finally came out. Everybodyjumped to their feet at the sight of her.

   “How’s Gintoki, doc?”

   “He’s in a stable condition for now,” she shoved her hands into his pocket. “It seems he collapsed due to emotional stress. I think Gintoki’s been feeling overwhelmed lately, he just never told anyone about it.”

   “I’m going to give him a beating when I see him,” Hijikata heard Takasugi mumble under his breath.

   “If you want to see him, go on right ahead. He’s in room 315. However,” she added, pursing her lips, “we’ll need to keep him here for further observations. Also, Shouyou?”

   “Yes, Doctor Ayano?” he smiled at her. Hijikata was so fucking astonished as to how he could still be smiling when his kid had just had a heart attack.

   “I’ll need to talk to you in private.” She ushered him to follow her. Katsura and Takasugi were long gone who had already entered the elevator to the floor Gintoki’s room was in.

  “Toushi?” Kondo asked, putting a hand on Hijikata’s shoulder. “Are you not going to see Gintoki?”

  “I will, but I need to step out for a smoke,” he replied flatly. Kondo nodded and disappeared as he rounded a corner.

  Hijikata didn’t need to know where the roof was because he had already memorized every single inch of this place; he’d know it with his eyes closed. But for some reason, that wasn’t where his feet were taking him. He didn’t even really have a destination to go. He let his feet wander around aimlessly as he was consumed in his own thoughts.

  Gintoki…Sakata Gintoki…There was something about him that Hijikata couldn’t quite figure out. Gintoki was the living embodiment of everything Hijikata disliked in a person: he was lazy, stubborn, loud, annoying, nosy and obnoxious – just about everything that got under his skin and piss him off. Yet Hijikata found himself getting more and more attached to him, even though he had promised himself he wouldn’t ever do that again.

  If it weren’t for Gintoki, though, Hijikata wouldn’t even be going out and actually _interacting_ with people. Okay, Kondo might have forced him to join his class, but ultimately, it was that natural perm brain fuck that made him socialize more often. True, it was annoying at times, _incredibly_ annoying for someone like him to suddenly spend more time with people when he’s spent years trying to avoid them.

   And it wasn’t just Gintoki he had his hands full with, of course – there were also Katsura and Takasugi, even Sakamoto and Mutsu. Katsura, as polite as he is, had this sort of ‘motherly’ vibe that he gave off. He was the kind of doting parent that was protective over their child, which in this case, was Gintoki. Takasugi, on the other hand, looked like he didn’t give a shit about anything, but actually did. He just didn’t know how to show it. Sakamoto reminded him of a playful child and Mutsu, the girl who would be protective over their ‘friend’.

  Hijikata let out a loud sigh and squatted down on the floor for a while. He pinched his eyebrows together to get rid of the dull throbbing of his head. This was too much to process in one day. Gintoki was s _uffering_ from a heart disease. He still couldn’t quite grasp at the idea of it. _A heart disease_. Was it terminal? Did it have no cure? He'd lost count at how many times that question had crossed his mind.

  He tilted his head back and let it rest against the smooth surface of the wall. He wasn’t quite familiar with the corridor he was in, but all Hijikata knew was that it was deserted, there weren’t a lot of people bustling around, so it was good for him. But then he heard faint and muffled voices moving towards him.

  “Shouyou, you might want to start considering that heart transplant I’ve been telling you about,” it was Doctor Ayano’s voice. “Gintoki…I’m afraid he’s not doing very well. His condition seems to have gotten worse.”

  “You said he was getting better!”

  “I know. I thought he was too, until the results of his tests came out a few days ago.”

  There was the sound of shuffling feet, then a pause. Then Shouyou spoke again: “How long will the transplant take?”

   “We still need to look for a donor. But…it could take months, years even, to find the proper heart compatible with his. Gintoki might not last that long. I know he’s a strong kid but…Shouyou, just – just prepare yourself for the inevitable.”

   Hijikata froze, letting the words sink into his mind. Then it hit him _hard_ and all he could do was run. Run from the hospital as far as possible. But there was only one thing running in his mind as he did so:

  _Gintoki might not survive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing in Hijikata's point of view is so fucking entertaining cause he's me 99.99% of the time lol. I hope you enjoyed!


	7. vii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata was breathing very fast. Very, very fast, that he felt as if he couldn’t catch a breath. He also felt as if his whole body was numb; he felt weak and dizzy, and his eye kept twitching. His fingers trembled and his palms were sweaty, yet Hijikata could not feel them. He stared, yet could not see nor understand what was unfolding before him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence. I was busy. Priorities, ya know? But hey, I figured since it's almost Valentines' Day, why not publish my favourite chapter of this entire fic? :D Hope you enjoy and cry as much as I did writing this. 
> 
> Well. More of like 'immerse-yourself-into-the-world-of-HijiGin-and-cry' but, ya know. That's just me.

   Gintoki had woken up to the smell of anesthesia and _hospital_. He immediately felt nauseous and lifted a hand up to massage his throbbing head. Without even needing to open his eyes, he knew he was in the hospital. The comfort of the bed felt familiar, the s _mell_ smelled familiar, and he absolutely _despised_ it.

   No one seemed to have noticed he was awake though because hushed whispers filled the room even as Gintoki opened his eyes. He didn’t know how long he’d been out, but hopefully it wasn’t the whole day, so he could get out of here already.

   But wait, what about Hijikata? The last thing he remembered seeing was his face. Gintoki’s gut plummeted – Hijikata must have been _livid_ with him. Gintoki knew the consequences of keeping it a secret, yet he still went through with it. He didn’t exactly regret it, but he still felt guilty about lying to Hijikata.

   Gintoki cleared his throat. Kondo and Takasugi looked up, Katsura froze and Sakamoto – whom he did not even _see_ coming – was next to him instantly, smothering their faces together while shouting “Kintoki!” over and over again.

   “Stop calling me that!” he grunted, trying to push Sakamoto away. “Jeez, will you get off! I just had an attack, Sakamoto, I’m not dying!”

   “You’re awake!” Katsura exclaimed.

   “Yeah, well, it’s not like I died anyway – Sakamoto, stop! You’re drooling on me!” He finally managed to push Sakamoto away, who scratched the back of his head while laughing loudly.

   “Bwahahaha! Apologies, Kintoki! I had to rush over here the moment I’d heard you were in the hospital. I felt kind of bad leaving Mutsu all the paperwork, but she was cool with it!”

   Gintoki’s stomach twisted. He really, really, _really_ hated being in the hospital. He just ended up being a bother to everyone else. They should all be at home, at work, at _wherever_ doing their own things, being free, not stuck in a hospital because of some sickly man.

    Katsura must have noticed his discomfort because he suddenly asked: “Do you need anything, Gintoki?”

   “Hm? Nah, I’m good.”

   “You sure you’re not hungry or thirsty?”

   “Nah.”

   Just then Shouyou entered the room and though it was just a s _liver_ of it, Gintoki saw he had a pained and troubled look on his face. He was good at stuff like that, maybe that’s why Gintoki was also good at hiding his feelings and keeping his face neutral no matter how awkward or painful the situation was for him.

   “Gintoki!” his adoptive father said happily, shutting the door softly behind him. “You’re awake!”

   “Yeah, I’ve been told many times already,” he said exasperatedly. “How long have I been out?”

   “Mhm, a couple of hours maybe? The doctors said they’ll need to keep you here a bit longer though.”

    He made a low sound in his throat and rolled his eyes. Everyone here, at least, was aware of how much he hated being in the hospital. Spending majority of your life in a confined building like this wasn’t exactly pleasing; that much they understood.

   “I’ve been wondering – but where is Hijikata?” Gintoki asked. He couldn’t keep his curiosity anymore. It wasn’t that he _needed_ him there, exactly. He was just…He just wanted to know where he was. He wanted to explain himself to Hijikata, he wanted to apologize to him for – well. This.

   “He told me he went for a smoke,” Kondo informed happily, then his eyebrows scrunched up together and frowned. “He took his sweet time.”

   “Perhaps he choked on a cigar stick. That would be a better explanation as to why he isn’t here,” Takasugi snorted. “Don’t worry about him, Gintoki. He probably went home.”

   “Yeah, probably,” Gintoki nodded, but he still felt uneasy. His head started throbbing again – why was it that his head wouldn’t stop hurting? He figured he probably just needed to get some more rest or something. He was used to being in the hospital alone, even though it left him with a crushing feeling of loneliness.

   Along with his headache, he also felt drowsy and nauseous and just…not good. Gintoki let out an unwanted cough and – as usual – everyone literally _pampered_ him and made sure he was okay before they finally came to the conclusion of just letting him rest.

   As soon as the others bade him farewell, told him to rest and take care of himself, they left and now the room was pin drop silent. It was so quiet, so _empty_ , Gintoki had trouble sleeping that night.

 

*****

 

    Two weeks passed by quickly and Hijikata s _till_ hadn’t visited Gintoki. Katsura visited him twice though, but it was only for a short time since he was busy with work. Takasugi passed by once to give him a fruit basket from his parents. Other than those times, Gintoki spent most of his time by himself. It wasn’t until the second week that he began questioning why he was still being kept in the hospital. Until finally, Shouyou told him that he needed a heart transplant. The news came, of course, as a shock to him, but he wasn’t surprised. He had been prepared for this – he had been expecting it, anyway.

   But still…the chances of him surviving a heart transplant was quite low – depending on his current condition and how compatible the heart was. Shouyou had asked him for his consent and Gintoki agreed to it. It was a risk he had to take.

   Now Gintoki was watching cars and people pass by from his window. This was usually something he did when he was by himself. It became more of a habit than anything else. Gintoki was accustomed to being alone in the hospital. He was used to the food, the nurses that came in to check on him from time to time; sometimes there were other patients who would come in his room out of curiosity or friendliness and would just talk to him about things that he didn’t particularly care about, but gave a lending ear anyway. The only thing he would never grow accustomed to was the crushing loneliness that usually ate away at him.

   Gintoki let out a loud sigh and went back to his bed, picking up the JUMP manga Kondo brought him a few days ago. He was thankful for it since he would never get tired of reading the same thing over and over. He flipped through the pages casually and just when he was getting to the good part, a knock came on the door.

   “Come in,” he said gruffly.

   The door creaked open and in came Hijikata. Gintoki’s heart leapt as he quickly sat upright, his JUMP manga discarded somewhere on the floor.

   “What brings you here?” he asked.

   Hijikata hesitantly walked towards him. He looked confused, like he didn’t know where to start. He couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth either.

   So Gintoki took the initial say, “Hey, I, uh-…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my illness. I was going to but I lost my chance when you took me to see your brother. I-I just didn’t want to bring you more pain.”

   Hijikata bit back his tongue from a snarky remark and instead said, “Don’t think I came here because I was worried or anything. I was just c-curious.”

   “About what? If you were curious about how I looked like, well- I’d say I look pretty hot. I mean, look at my _fine legs._ ” He pushed back the covers and stroked it. “Do you wanna feel it? I just shaved it.”

   “N-No!” Hijikata exclaimed, his face flushed. “The fuck I wanna do that for?!”

   Gintoki chuckled. “So what’d you really come here for, then?”

   “I-I…” but Hijikata never got a word out. He seemed like he really wanted to say something. Hijikata looked like he was trying to hide his expression, how he really felt inside, but he wasn’t as good as Gintoki was. His thoughts were literally _written_ all over his face; he was as open as a book. Gintoki’s stomach twisted in guilt. _He’s making that face because of me_.

   “Is y-”

   “Did you know I’m having a heart transplant?” Gintoki cut him off. He refused to look at Hijikata in the eyes. If he did, he would burst out crying. It was his fault Hijikata looked as troubled as he did now. Why couldn’t he have been born a healthy man? If he was, he wouldn’t have to hide how he truly felt about Hijikata. It didn’t even matter whether the latter liked him back, it didn’t matter as long as he came clean about it. That kiss either meant nothing or something to Hijikata.

   “Father told me. He needed my consent and I agreed to it,” he continued. “They told me I didn’t have a lot of time left so…here I am.” Gintoki gestured to himself. His chest felt heavy. “I graciously took it because hell – why not? Even if the percentage of me surviving it is low, there _is_ a chance I might live through it. When this ugly and beat up heart of mine is finally repaired, I can do whatever I want! I can finally eat as much sweets I want, I can finally go and work, and be a _regular_ person!

   “Did you know I was diagnosed when I was fifteen? I had a heart attack, right there on stage, while I was playing the piano. I felt that something was wrong with me before that though. I just – I didn’t think it was serious.”

   Hijikata pursed his lips, his eyebrows scrunched up together. His hand twitched, like he was about to reach into his pocket and get a cigar out. Too bad he wasn’t allowed to smoke in front of Gintoki, much less the hospital, anyway.

   “Sorry, I-I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” he stuttered. He reached up to rub his eye and get rid of the oncoming tears. The last thing he wanted was to look weak in front of Hijikata. He cleared his throat, “You should, ah, go. I don’t wanna hold you back from your work.”

   “I p-probably should,” Hijikata looked stunned. “Yeah, I’m goin’ now. See ya.”

   “Bye.”

   Gintoki waited until Hijikata was outside until he finally let his tears fall. Being hospitalized really did leave someone feeling helpless and lonely.

 

 

_*****_

 

  “So when are they releasing me?” Gintoki asked as he brushed his teeth in the bathroom. His mouth tasted like fish and something metallic. Katsura had visited him today. He didn’t bring anything with him, though, which was completely fine with Gintoki. He just needed someone to be here with him.

  “No idea. They said you can’t leave the bed just yet because they fear you might have another attack. I think they’re keeping you here until they find a donor.”

  Apparently, Shouyou had already come clean about Gintoki’s transplant – if that was going to happen anyway – and the others already knew about it. It lessened the burden of having to break the news to them, but surprisingly, they seem to have taken it well and they just…told him to sit back and relax because the doctors have to make sure he was suited and prepared enough for another surgery.

  Gintoki pulled off his shirt and washed his arms and chest in the sink. He scrubbed furiously to get rid of all the dirt – not that he was dirty or anything. He also wetted his fingers and ran it through his messy perm, trying to flatten it out, but it didn’t work, as usual. He turned off the tap and grabbed the towel to wipe himself off. While he was at it, Gintoki took a glance in the mirror.

  On his chest, was a long, faint scar that started from the middle of his chest to the bottom of his breast. He’d received it when he had his first operation and it was one of the many things he hated about his body. Gintoki usually did a good job of hiding such an ugly scar that sometimes he forgets it even exists. He sighed, then put on a new change of hospital clothes, hiding the faint scar on his chest from view.

  “How long do you reckon finding a donor takes?” Gintoki asked as he hung the towel on the rack and closed the bathroom door behind him. “I just wanna get out of this hellhole as quick as possible. It’s boring here.”

  “I’m not sure.” Katsura replied, handing him a carton of sugar-free strawberry milk. His hair was put up in a high pony tail and he was sitting backwards on a chair next to Gintoki’s bed. “I think it’ll take a long time, though. You’ll have to be patient.”

  Gintoki pouted, his eyebrows scrunched up together as he poked the straw through the carton box and sat on his bed. “Do you think they’ll find a compatible heart?”

  “Of course!”

  “What if I –”

  “No, don’t talk like that, Gintoki. I mean look at you,” Katsura gestured at his body. “You’ve grown. Most teens with a heart condition like yours don’t live long enough to become an adult. You’re twenty five now, Gintoki. Remember, ten years ago, you were told you probably wouldn’t live long enough to be an adult? Look where that has gotten you.”

  Gintoki smiled. He felt a sense of reassurance. Yeah, he will survive this. He wasn’t so weak he would let a condition like this beat him. His body thrummed with a weird sensation.

  “Mhm, yeah, I’m Sakata Gintoki after all,” he winked at Katsura. “So what’s going on with you and Takasugi? You mind telling me what you refused to say that day?”

  He flushed. “I’m not saying.”

  “Come on! Aren’t I your best friend?” he stuck out his tongue and poked Katsura’s cheek. “Besides, who am I going to tell it to? The nurses?”

  Katsura sighed in defeat, his cheeks still red and said, “What do you want to know, then?”

  “Well, for starters, I want to know who confessed first.”

  “T-There wasn’t any, uh, confessing…”

  Gintoki faked an exaggerated gasp. “You mean…”

  “No! No, it wasn’t like that! I-It just…happened. We were hanging out in his bedroom, I was helping him with his work, I think? Then it just happened. Boom.”

  “ _What_ happened?”

  “Y-You know! T-That!”

  “Which _that_? Be more specific, Zura."

  “S-S-Sex...”

  Gintoki howled with laughter. “I can’t believe you lost your virginity before me!”

  Katsura smacked Gintoki hard on the shoulder as he blushed a deep shade of red. “Not so loud!”

  He doubled over, choking with laughter. He wiped some of the tears that escaped his eyes and then asked, “So who made the move first?”

  “T-Takasugi, that b-bastard kissed me w-w-without m-me ex-expecting it!”

  “Oooo, did you like it?” Gintoki wiggled his eyebrows. “The sex part, not the kissing part.”

  If it was possible for Katsura to turn into even a darker shade of red than he was already, he did. He literally turned into a stuttering mess when Gintoki asked the question. “I-It wa-!” He covered his face with the sleeve of his shirt, shying away from Gintoki, who laughed at his expression.

  “Did you like it?” he asked teasingly again, poking Katsura on the side who smacked his leg hard in return.

  “G-Gintoki!” he yelled, though his voice was muffled by his sleeve.

  “I’m not kidding, I really want to know! Did you or did you not like it?”

  “I-I…I d-did.” At those words, he smacked Gintoki’s thigh again, though softly this time.

  “Aw, that’s so cute! How’d it feel like? Like were you bo-”

  Katsura glared at him, and Gintoki could see his eyes were glassy. He teared up from embarrassment! How adorable! Gintoki could barely hold in his laughter.

  “Gintoki!” he whined, lightly hitting the bed. “S-Stop!”

  “Ahahaha! Okay! Okay, I’ll stop!” Gintoki chuckled, “Jeez, you’re so fun to tease.”

  Katsura hid his face on his sleeve, though it was still obvious he was blushing because his ears were red. A warm feeling spread throughout his body and Gintoki just…felt happy. He was glad because even though he was in the hospital, he could still joke around with his friends like this, even if their time was limited.

  “I-I better g-get going…” Katsura muttered as he stood up and returned the chair back to its normal position. “I have stuff to do. See ya, Gintoki.”

  “Say congratulations to Takasugi for me!” Gintoki called out as Katsura closed the door behind him.

  

*****

 

  Hijikata was breathing very fast. Very, very fast, that he felt as if he couldn’t catch a breath. He also felt as if his whole body was numb; he felt weak and dizzy, and his eye kept twitching. His fingers trembled and his palms were sweaty, yet Hijikata could not feel them. He stared, yet could not see nor understand what was unfolding before him. His mind was reeling, his ears were buzzing with the sound of the nonstop beep of a heart monitor that showed a flat line.

  He watched as the nurses came in and out of the room, the doctor shouting commands that Hijikata could not quite understand. His feet remained glued on the floor, he wanted to run, but he _couldn’t_ feel his own legs. His own body felt like it was not his anymore.

  Hijikata was aware of his family behind him, aware that they were crying and sobbing behind him. Everything was moving slowly in his eyes, his head was pounding and stars swam in his vision.

  He couldn’t stay here.

  He cannot bear to be in this room any longer.

  Because his beloved brother was gone.

 

*****

 

  Gintoki couldn’t sleep. All night he had been tossing and turning in his bed, trying to find the most comfortable position to sleep in, but couldn’t even manage to sleep a wink. He closed his eyes, yet felt restless. He turned to his side again, and glanced at the clock next to his bed. It read four in the morning and now he felt even more desperate to get some rest, since he hadn’t been sleeping well the past few weeks.

  Gintoki spent another five minutes staying still on his bed, not moving with his eyes closed but he just _couldn_ ’ _t_ so in the end, he gave up and resorted to blinking up at the ceiling. There seemed to be a lot of noise outside, but he paid no heed to it. Gintoki figured he would eventually fall asleep like that, but then completely abandoned the thought when the door burst open and Hijikata came in.

  He was just about to say something witty when Gintoki realized that there was something different about him. Hijikata looked – for lack of a better word – like he was not all there. He seemed like he didn’t even know what he was doing. Something settled in Gintoki’s gut when those blue eyes landed to meet his own and he broke into cold sweat. Something was definitely wrong with him.

  “Hijikata?” he said slowly. “Are you alright?”

  But the man simply stood there, shaking and his face glistened with sweat. Hijikata’s chest was also rising and falling quickly and that was definitely _wrong._

 _He’s having a panic attack_.

  “Hijikata!” Gintoki yelled out as Hijikata dropped to the floor on one knee. He quickly jumped off his bed, knelt next to him and touched him, but immediately yanked his hand away. Not because he moved away or made a noise, but because of the lack of response. Hijikata was looking at Gintoki, yet his eyes seemed unfocused and he was just…not there.

  “Hijikata, hey, look at me,” Gintoki said in a firm voice, grabbing hold of his hands. He himself was breathing pretty hard and his chest was starting to hurt. “ _Look at me_.”

  Slowly, Hijikata’s eyes focused and his piercing blue eyes finding Gintoki’s own eyes. Sweat formed on his brow and Gintoki resisted the urge to wipe it away. His heart was hammering furiously against his chest.

  Summoning his best calming and reassuring voice, he said, “Yes… yes, that’s good. Just keep focusing on my face, alright?” Hijikata nodded, but his breaths still came quickly. Gintoki needed to do something about that.

  “Let’s focus on your breathing,” he said as softly as he can. He raised one finger up. “Count with me. How many fingers am I holding up?”

  “O-One.”

  Gintoki lifted another.

  “T-Two.”

   And another.

  “T-Three.”

  Hijikata’s breathing was beginning to slow down, but his whole body was still trembling. Gintoki held his tongue even though he really wanted to know what set him off – though he knew with panic attacks, it sometimes happened without warning or something had triggered it. Gintoki lifted one last finger up and said, “That’s it, come on, last one.”

  “T-Ten…” Hijikata’s face was dripping with sweat and his eyes looked very droopy. His body still did not stop trembling and Gintoki could feel each tremor in his hands as he clasped it tightly. Even though Hijikata’s breathing had slowed down, Gintoki never stopped whispering encouraging words to him. After what felt like hours to him, Hijikata’s head began to loll towards Gintoki’s shoulder.

  He didn’t know how long he stayed there, whispering words in Hijikata’s ear and only did he stop when he realized the other had fallen asleep.

 

*****

 

   Hijikata’s panic attack had pretty much shaken Gintoki, but he couldn’t even imagine how the other felt. Something had definitely happened that made Hijikata like that, he just didn’t know what. The thoughts themselves made Gintoki uneasy and therefore prevented him from falling asleep, but sleeping didn’t really matter to him as much anymore as it did hours ago. Besides, he’d given his bed to Hijikata, who obviously needed it more than he did.

    He was now sleeping soundly, though every now and then, he would flinch hard in his sleep, which worried Gintoki, but they went as fast as it came. At some point, a nurse came into his room and was appalled to see Gintoki sitting on a couch and not his own bed, and was even _more_ shocked to see someone else lying on his bed when she ushered him to quickly lie down. It took a lot of convincing until finally, she let him be and left the room.

   It wasn’t until the afternoon that Hijikata had finally come around. Gintoki quickly tended to him, handing him a glass of water and a portion of his food that he’d set aside for him just in case he felt hungry.

   “You feeling okay now?” Gintoki asked, sitting on the bed next to him. Hijikata nodded.

   “You wanna eat?”

   He shook his head and did not say anything, just looked at Gintoki with an odd expression on his face, like he was searching for answers like why he was in his bed, why he was in his room, or what happened. But then something in his eyes told Gintoki everything clicked into place and his shoulders trembled, very slightly, once more. He was frightened that Hijikata might have another panic attack.

   “What happened to you last night?” Gintoki asked.

   “T’ch,” Hijikata shot him a cold look and pushed the covers off of him. “I’m goin’ home.”

   He slipped on his shoes and went to move towards the door. But Gintoki didn’t let him. He grabbed hold of his wrist and tugged it hard, that Hijikata nearly stumbled backwards and back onto the bed.

   “What are you doing?” he asked in a venomous tone. Gintoki felt chills on his back, but he did not back down.

   “Tell me what happened.” He said louder, clearer.

   “Nothing!” he yanked his arm away. “It’s none o’ your fucking business anyway!”

   Hijikata walked towards the door again but Gintoki had seen all of it. His shoulders drooped in a way that it looked sad; the eyes that gave him that cold look was full of anguish. His voice sounded different too; thick with a lot of emotions.

   “Don’t push me away,” Gintoki whispered but loud enough that Hijikata stopped in his tracks just as he was about to open the door. He took this as an opportunity and moved swiftly towards Hijikata. Gintoki flipped Hijikata around, forced him to look into his eyes He looked at him, his eyes burning into his, like they were fire. He leaned close to him, their mouths only an inch away from each other, and whispered, “I care about you, Hijikata.”

   Then Gintoki pressed their lips together.

   It was a quick peck, a kiss that lasted only a few seconds long. But everything felt like it was going slowly; their hearts pounded furiously in sync with each other, Hijikata was shaking and trembling against Gintoki’s own warm body. The kiss itself was passionate, desperate, and full of longing. Gintoki wanted him to feel how much he cared about Hijikata, wanted him to know that he was there for him, that he wasn’t alone, he would never be alone, so long as Gintoki was there. He broke away and rested his forehead against Hijikata’s and mumbled so softly he wasn’t sure if the man even heard him, “So please don’t push me away. Please.”

   And just like that, Hijikata _crumbled_ in his arms, legs giving away so fast he fell to the floor and Gintoki barely had time to catch him. A broken sob that sounded like ‘Tamegoro’ escaped his throat and he grabbed hold of Gintoki, nuzzled his face against the crook of his neck, scared to let go, like he would disappear before his eyes if he did.

   Gintoki held him like that in his arms as Hijikata trembled and _sobbed_ his heart out. He had never heard someone sound so broken, so desperate, so sorrowful, so _lost_ , and so full of grief and helplessness. It didn’t take him long to piece two and two together because there was no one else in the world that could make Hijikata feel like this except for his brother.

   The cries Hijikata let out broke his heart. Was this how his friends and family would mourn over him if he doesn’t survive the operation? Would they make an expression like this too? It was that moment that Gintoki promised himself he would never let anyone go through the pain of losing someone they cared about. Seeing Hijikata like this was already too much for him.

  The thought itself, the promise he gave himself, filled Gintoki with a s _trong_ desire to live. Never would he let someone cry over him and be sad because of him.

  Gintoki promised himself that he will not die.


	8. viii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He stood in front of Gintoki’s room, staring at the door knob, wondering whether he should go in or not. He was nervous – what would Gintoki say to him? What if it was something bad? What if – no, he shouldn’t think like that. This was Sakata Gintoki he was talking about. If anything, the damned bastard would probably tell him he shaved his legs again or something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while! Been busy with school. It's my spring break starting today, and I'm working on some collab fics so please expect some of them! Enough chitchatting from me, here's the chapter you guys have been waiting for. Took me a while, so I'm not exactly pleased with it, but I hope you guys enjoy anyway! :)

   The image of Hijikata having a breakdown and the sounds that escaped his throat was something Gintoki would surely never forget. He’d even heard it in his dreams that night. He’d refused to let Hijikata go back to his home as that would probably inflict more damage, more pain to see his family mourning over someone they both cared about. But in the end, Gintoki let him go.

   It was probably a bad thing, but it made Gintoki feel a bit special, glad even, that Hijikata trusted him enough to let him see him at his worst times. He knew that Hijikata ending up in Gintoki’s room whilst having a panic attack was either coincidental or accidental, but he was glad because he’d been able to help him.

   It had been a few days since he’d last seen Hijikata, but Gintoki didn’t bother him since he needed his space. During that time, he decided to finally tell him that he loved him. He didn’t want to mess it up like he did with his illness – look where that landed him. Gintoki wasn’t good with words either, so he figured he should do it in a means that would truly show Hijikata how he felt about him without it ever being awkward. So he called Takasugi over and asked him to bring his keyboard with him.

  “Sorry for bothering you, I know you’re busy,” Gintoki said as he helped Takasugi haul the keyboard near his bed in the corner of the room.

  “Nah, it’s fine,” he huffed out, his forehead slick with sweat. He had to carry it from outside all the way to his room. “Just – y’know, a lot of people looked weirdly at me, ‘cause of this.” He pointed at the keyboard.

  “Yeah, I apologize for that.” Gintoki sat next to the keyboard and ran his fingers gently across the keys. Oh, how he missed this; the feel of the keys beneath his fingers, the sounds it made as he pushed on them.

  “What do you need this for anyway?” Takasugi asked, his face scrunched up in a weird expression. “And quit making that face, you look like you’re turned on or something.”

  Gintoki ignored him. “I just missed playing it. You’ll realize after spending a month in the hospital, you will slowly die of boredom, just like me.”

  “I wanted to drop by and visit.”

  “Yeaaaaah, but it’s different when you’re actually _out_ and doing something – not that there’s much for me to do outside anyway.”

  He smiled down at his keyboard, flexing his fingers as he pressed the keys and played a random song that popped in his head. Gintoki could last like this, maybe, until the doctors finally find a donor. Though he promised himself he wouldn’t die, he still couldn’t help but feel a little worried. What if they never find one? What if Gintoki dies before they ever find a donor? Those kind of thoughts filled his head daily that it honestly  _terrified_  him.

  Gintoki sat there for a long time, just quietly playing with Takasugi sitting on his bed and swaying to his rhythm. Takasugi had heard him play so many times, yet he never got tired of Gintoki playing the same pieces. He didn’t even know if the man had heard his original pieces – as a musician, of course he would’ve composed some.

   “Is there something wrong, Gintoki?” Takasugi asked all of a sudden.

   “Hm? No, not really.”

   “You just…seem really different.”

   “Really? I don’t feel it.”

    There was another pause and Gintoki felt uneasy. He could feel Takasugi’s eyes on his back, never leaving him even as he stood to get his music sheets from a bag his friend had brought with him too. He’d finally figured out how he was going to tell Hijikata his feelings about him and that was by writing his own musical composition. That would definitely show him how Gintoki felt without ever using words and he took pride in his own original pieces. It wasn’t his first time composing one, but it was probably the most complex and challenging one he’d come across. Not only was he supposed to combine rhythms and melodies and dynamics and _everything_ , Gintoki also had to make sure it _conveyed_ his emotions towards Hijikata.

    “Are you going to compose?” Takasugi asked as Gintoki sat down and flipped to a new page on his notebook. There were a lot of scribbles and pages torn off from the last time he had an assignment from Kondo, but he never finished them due to being hospitalized.

    “Yeah. Mind staying over for a while and help me with this?”

    Takasugi narrowed his eyes, like he was suspecting Gintoki of doing something. “Why’re you doing this all of a sudden?”

    “Nothing. I told you – I’m bored. I want to do something instead of wasting my time in this rotten hospital.”

    He pursed his lips, then nodded slowly. “Okay, what do you need help with?”

    “Just tell me if the melody sounds right.”

    “Alright.”

 

*****

 

   Hijikata hated funerals. It reminded him of a lot of memories, bittersweet yet full of agony. It reminded him of the times he spent all by himself after his mother died, the times he’d snuck out of their house just to visit his mom, and the times he truly felt lonely after the passing of his mom.

   Now his beloved brother was gone, too. Tamegoro was the only person in the Hijikata family to truly care about him – though his father might have too, but he’d never shown it. His funeral was held a few days after his death and Hijikata loathed the thought of having to go to a burial again after seventeen years. He even considered of just ditching the whole thing and fucking _leave_ , but knowing himself, he’d probably find himself back here anyway.

   Hijikata stood in front of the mirror, looking as disheveled as ever. His hair stuck out in different directions, his eyes were blood-shot red and he had dark bags encircling them. He couldn’t even remember the last time he slept. How could he, when all his thoughts were about his brother? He didn’t know the last time he’d eaten or even _talked_. It had come to a point he’d forgotten how his own voice sounded – not that he wanted to speak anyway. Hijikata knew if he uttered a single word, he’d probably break down again like that time with Gintoki.

    He tugged on the cuffs of his long sleeved collar shirt before fixing the tie around his neck. Hijikata turned around then, sick of seeing his own miserable reflection on the mirror, and grabbed his lounge suit. He’d been thinking about Gintoki for a long time, wondering what he was up to, wondering what he thought of Hijikata after seeing such a pathetic sight of him.

    Hijikata was sort of embarrassed after breaking down because that’s not something he usually showed people, it just _wasn’t_ him, he could usually hold it in until he was alone to let it all out. But Gintoki telling him he cared about him, Gintoki fucking _kissing_ him, telling him not to push him away…it wasn’t something Hijikata had ever heard someone tell him. Gintoki was not even family, but he’d already found himself drawn to the fucking bastard and now he couldn't stop himself.

    Stepping out of the house, Hijikata fished his pockets for his pack of cigarettes and lit one up, taking a long drag from it. This was his third pack of the day and he was already halfway through, but he’d be damned if he gave one shit about it. The others were probably still inside the house, preparing themselves and Hijikata was really glad none of them had even gone out and told him to leave or something. Maybe they finally realized Hijikata was the person Tamegoro held dearest in his life.

    He exhaled smoke through his mouth, the smoke was irritating his already blood-shot eyes, making it even redder and teary. As much as Hijikata wanted to say it, he actually missed Gintoki – he wanted to be there in the hospital with him. He knew how lonely he must feel, he’d seen it in his brother’s eyes a lot of times and he’d seen it in himself since the day his mom died.

   There was the sound of a door opening behind him and he turned, only to crinkle his nose at the sight of his other brother, Keishi, in distaste. Keishi looked exactly like Tamegoro, except he was shorter and leaner than him. Looking at him made Hijikata’s chest ache and his yearning for his brother intensified.

   “What?” he said sharply, taking yet another drag from his cigarette.

   “Toushirou,” Keishi said, voice too low and raw. Hijikata sneered at the sound of his first name. He hated being called by it and the only people allowed to ever call him by his nickname were Kondo and Tamegoro.

   “What? Come here to kick me out of the fucking house now that Tamegoro’s gone?” he laughed humorlessly. “Don’t worry. I’m planning to do that anyway."

   “No, I -…” Keishi trailed off, his eyebrows scrunched up together like he was at loss for words. “I wanted to apologize to you.”

   The cigarette fell from Hijikata’s mouth. That was how fucking shocked he was. Never did he expect the word “apology” come out of one of his brother’s mouths. They were the last people on Earth he expected that word to come out from, much less _said_ to _him_. The initial shock then dissipated, and all he felt was _fury_.

    “Apologize?” The sound of his own voice in his ears scared Hijikata, but he couldn’t stop. Not now. “Apologize for what?”

    “For – uh, y-you know… all those things we – I – did to you. I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

   “Are you saying that because you pity me?”

   “No, I – I sincerely want to say sorry for everything I did to you. I know my actions were inexcusable. I am probably also the last person you want to talk to right now after Tamegoro-nii-san’s death and I know you most likely won’t forgive me, but I want you to know that I am truly _sorry_ for treating you the way we did, and I regret it. All of it.” Keishi licked his lips. Hijikata was quite good at reading people with the way he grew up, so he saw in his brother’s eyes that he really _was_ sorry, but Hijikata didn’t forgive people that easily.

    “ _Seventeen years_ , Keishi,” he began, his body already shaking from anger. “For seventeen years, you made me feel like I was an outsider, like I didn’t belong in the family, when you know just as well as Tamegoro did that I am part of the family. For seventeen years you made me think I will never find anyone who would care and need me the way my mother did, the way Tamegoro did. For seventeen years you made me wish I had never existed, made me believe I will never find happiness in this world. Seventeen years, Keishi, and you _only started regretting it_?”

    “I’m not expecting you to forgive me, Toushi,” Keishi sighed, his shoulders slumped forward.

    “Don’t fucking call me Toushi,” Hijikata snapped and his brother flinched.

    “Sorry,” he looked down at his feet and back up again to look at Hijikata straight in the eyes. “I just really want you to know that I truly am sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I’m not apologizing because Tamegoro-nii-san’s gone, but because I realized I was being unfair to you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, Toushirou, and I’m sorry. I suppose I was just…angry because you were the by-product of my - our - father’s disloyalty. I shouldn’t have taken out all of my dissatisfaction and anger on you because Father’s idiocy is not your fault.”

    Hijikata had spent seventeen years of his fucking life never believing a single word that came out of his brothers’ mouths, spent seventeen years _loathing_ them and _angry_ at them. There might have been a time he wished his other brothers let him get close to them, maybe even get to know them and spend time like how siblings should be, but as he grew older, that feeling was just replaced with bitterness.

    As much as he wanted to kick and punch and scream at Keishi, Hijikata didn’t want to stoop on their level. As much as he wanted to fucking s _cream_ at him to go fuck himself, to fuck off and never talk to him again, he couldn’t, because he knew that wasn’t something Tamegoro would ever want him to do. It was also one of Tamegoro’s wishes that Hijikata spend time with his other brothers, even if they weren’t as welcoming as he was.

    Keishi was looking at him with an expression Hijikata had never seen on him and his stomach coiled. Forgiving them was one thing he wouldn’t want to do even if they were the last people on earth, but wasn’t it good Keishi actually wanted to make amends with him? Kiyoshi and Atsushi haven’t even said a single word to him since Tamegoro’s death, but Keishi did so wasn’t that good enough?

   Hijikata chucked his cigarette stub on the ground and stepped on it, extinguishing it. He let out a loud sigh, and threw Keishi a side-glance. “Okay.”

    His brother looked stunned. “What do you mean?”

    “I accept your apology. But I’m not going to forgive you just yet. You, yourself, know that bitter feelings don’t just disappear overnight. It takes time. I’m sure you feel the same way about Father.”

    Keishi’s smile was so big, Hijikata immediately wanted to wipe that look off his face. He almost regretted saying that, but really…really, he felt quite touched by his brother’s actions. As much as he hated to admit it, he actually appreciated that Keishi had enough guts to apologize to him. He felt as though a big burden was lifted off his shoulder and despite himself, Hijikata was glad.

 

*****

    It took Gintoki roughly one and a half week to finish his composition. A lot of them were spent with him throwing his hands up in frustration and crumpling up music sheets and chucking them in the bin. As much as he wanted to pull all-nighters, he couldn’t, because he knew the nurses working at the hospital would reprimand him angrily and with Katsura coming in from time to time, he was bound to get noticed.

   He was sitting on his bed, finalizing his drafts and making sure that everything was perfect before the “big day” as Takasugi had so wonderfully pointed out. Composing and making sure everything was aligned left him with a terrible headache. His head throbbed dully constantly, but it wasn’t so unbearable yet.

  Just as he was about to put the papers away, a laugh echoed from the entrance to his room and Gintoki resisted the urge to smack himself in the face.

   “Ahahaha! Kintoki!” Sakamoto’s laugh was whole-heartedly and sometimes Gintoki didn’t understand why he laughed at everything, though he figured the man must be quite optimistic.

   “Oh, hey, Sakamoto,” Gintoki greeted him, a small smile plastered on his face. He’d kinda missed Sakamoto; he rarely ever visited him during the months he’d spent in the hospital and the silver-haired man understood the reason for that. After all, out of all of them, Sakamoto was the busiest one what with all his business and trading and other things.

   “Sorry I haven’t dropped by in a while,” the curly haired idiot took a seat next to him, his sunglasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. “You know how it is…Kinda busy and stuff. I know how lonely it can be in the hospital.”

  “Maah, don’t worry about it.”

  “How’re you feeling?” Sakamoto asked as he played with the hem of his coat.

  Gintoki shrugged. “As good as any patient with a heart condition feels, I guess.”

  “Any news about when they’re planning to release ya?”

  “I think they’ll do that after my surgery.”

  “Have they found a donor yet?”

  “No, I don’t think so.” Gintoki shrugged. A few days ago, he received a memo from one of the nurses that Doctor Ayano was going to visit him bringing news, but she still hadn’t shown up, so Gintoki figured she’d forgotten all about it, or that she was just too busy to find time to visit him. He’d kinda hoped that she was going to tell him news about finally finding a heart donor, but no such luck.

  “So, how’s it going with you and Mutsu?”

  “Ah, about that…ehehehe,” Sakamoto scratched the back of his head. “We’re planning to go back to the States.”

  “Really?” Gintoki smiled. He was genuinely happy for Sakamoto; at least he was going places, becoming a wealthy, young man, unlike himself who can’t even work because of his heart condition. But soon, that will be no longer. When they find a heart donor, the first thing Gintoki would do is to do all the things he’d been unable to do for ten years.

  “That’s why I wanted to drop by – I wanted to see you before we leave on Wednesday, Kintoki! Ahahaha!”

  “Have a safe flight. I’ll make sure to visit you when I’m outta here.” Gintoki winked at him.

  Then Sakamoto’s phone rang and the curly haired man jolted out of his seat. He hissed, rubbing his sore butt and whipped out his phone. “Mutsu’s callin’. Guess something came up.” He looked up at Gintoki apologetically. “I have to go. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay any longer, Kintoki.”

  “Nah, it’s fine. I understand you’re busy. Besides, it won’t be long before I finally get outta here.”

  “See you, Kintoki.”

  “It’s Gintoki,” he said, but he laughed it off. “See ya, Tatsuma.”

 

*****

 

  Hijikata was curled up in a ball in his room. After Tamegoro’s death, he just recoiled and sort of…ceased to function for a while. Sure, Keishi was there to drop in and check on him and he would lying if he said it didn’t make him happy – because it did. He appreciated it, actually, but Keishi’s constant nagging really annoyed him. His brother just figured he wasn’t used to it and gradually came to a one-time thing, so Hijikata was (finally) left alone to mourn.

  The feeling of being left behind was something Hijikata should be used to by now, but he wasn't. The first time it happened, with his mother, that was the first time he’d felt pain that c _rushed_ him, and he had been a young kid then so he was completely new to the feeling. He remembered he had no idea what to do with himself then; he was a lost kid searching for meaning, for reasons, for _something_ to convince him that he was worth caring about, that he was worth loving, that he was worth _living_ for.

   It stayed like that for a while and even when Tamegoro had been with him, Hijikata still felt burdened and not at all himself. There had been times when he felt happy, like he gave no care in the world, like he was a part of the Hijikata family. It had been Tamegoro who showed him how to live; it had been Tamegoro who showed him that he was important.

   And now the only person who had tethered Hijikata to the meaning of life and love, who had slowly sown his pieces back together, was gone. He felt as though those pieces of his soul were ripped into shreds again; they were hanging only by a mere thread and if it weren’t for that one single thread, Hijikata would have just lost all the means to function. He would have become an empty shell.

   Deep down, Hijikata knew who that thread belonged to. He just didn’t want to admit it. That one, single piece of hope clinging onto him belonged to Gintoki. Gintoki was the only other person other than Tamegoro to make him feel human. To make him feel whole and loved and worth _living for._ Hijikata hated the fact that he was getting attached to Gintoki because _god fucking damn it he was dying and he hated the fact he can’t do anything about it_ and he felt selfish and inconsiderate because here he was, potentially giving himself a disease by smoking so much his teeth start to rot, and there was someone out there whose life had been _destroyed_ because of a heart problem.

   Hijikata also hated the fact that Gintoki had been the one to _completely_ make him feel whole; he had been the one to fill the void in his heart that seemed to never go away until he’d met Gintoki. It was pretty fucking ridiculous that Hijikata had even thought about it, but it was the truth. Sakata Gintoki was the only other person Hijikata truly needed aside from Tamegoro. But now he can’t help but wonder – _what would he ever do if Gintoki never survived_?

   Hijikata did have an idea of donating Tamegoro’s heart to Gintoki – but the thought came way too late and before he knew it, Tamegoro had already been buried. And even if he _did_ think of it at the time of his brother’s death, he highly doubted his family would be kind enough to donate his brother’s heart. Especially to someone Hijikata cared deeply about. He snorted at the idea. He could’ve saved Gintoki’s life with that heart, but his own family did not give two shits about him. He was sure it was what Tamegoro would’ve wanted – if he’d known about Gintoki’s condition; if he’d known that his own brother had fallen for a sick man. Hijikata knew Tamegoro would do whatever it takes to make Hijikata happy.

   These thoughts almost made Hijikata’s eyes tear up, though he wasn’t sure if there were any left in him since he’d shed so much after Tamegoro’s death.

   “T’ch,” Hijikata nearly punched a hole through the wall. “I’m such an idiot.”

   He unfurled himself and stretched to get the blood flowing in his legs from staying in one position for too long. He needed to take a break from all his problems and there was only one thing to do it – work. He needed to immerse himself in work. Just as he was about to get up and make some coffee for himself, his phone rang, and it vibrated in his back pocket, startling him.

   “What?” he snapped, too irritated to look at whoever had called him.

   “Hijikata?” came Gintoki’s voice from the other side. He sounded nervous.

   “What?” he repeated, nearly flinching at the coldness of his own voice.

   “Uh. I need you to come here for a bit.”

   Before he realized it, beads of sweat had already begun forming on his forehead. “Why? What’s wrong?”

   “I just…it’s a long story. Just come here. Please.”

*****

 

   Hijikata came to a realization that he hadn’t properly talked to Gintoki ever since that one visit. Not counting the day Tamegoro died – Hijikata was too ashamed of himself to show his weaknesses to people like that. He stood in front of Gintoki’s room, staring at the door knob, wondering whether he should go in or not. He was nervous – what would Gintoki say to him? What if it was something bad? What if – no, he shouldn’t think like that. This was Sakata _fucking_ Gintoki he was talking about. If anything, the damned bastard would probably tell him he shaved his legs again or something.

  “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Hijikata whispered under his breath and pushed the door open. If he’d been expecting something, it wasn’t this. Gintoki stood near the door, his hair pushed back (quite messily by the way, it looked like he took a long time flattening it) and he was wearing a fucking _suit_.

   “What the fuck are you doing?” Hijikata asked, narrowing his eyes so that they looked like slits and he was trying his best to ignore the erratic pounding of his heart.

  “I’m showin’ you my charms.” The bastard then s _miled_. It was a smile that made his breath catch in his throat.

   “No, no, really – _what the fuck are you doing_?” Hijikata repeated, taking a step towards him.

   “You’ll see.” Gintoki turned his back to him and walked further into the room. Hijikata followed suit, his eyebrows scrunched up together in confusion. What was this silver-haired weirdo _doing_? Why was he wearing a fucking suit?

   Gintoki stopped next to the keyboard by his bed and Hijikata was even more confused. What the hell was he planning? His heart was pounding so hard, he could hear it in his ears.

    “What the hell is this?” he said loudly.

    “Take a seat.” Gintoki gestured to the small bench propped up on his bed. He obeyed and sat down. From this angle, the moonlight shone through the window and Hijikata had to admit that the moon had never looked this beautiful today.

   Gintoki cleared his throat and looked at Hijikata, clenching and unclenching his fingers in order to relax them. Then he said: “I’m gonna play something for you. I’m not very good with words…so I, uh-…I figured you’d understand my feelings better if I play, considering you and I are both musicians so…”

   Hijikata decided to not say anything. Instead, he watched as Gintoki closed his eyes, fingers trailing over the keys, taking deep breaths and whispering words to himself. Then he opened them again and began playing.

  The melody was really, really, _really_ beyond Hijikata’s vocabulary. He couldn’t even describe it. But as a musician, he could feel the emotions Gintoki had bestowed in the notes. He couldn’t just feel them, he _understood_ them. He pursed his lips, glad that his hands were under the keyboard so that the other couldn’t see them shaking.

   _Remember that night, when we first met? I never thought that night would change my life completely. I never thought that night would change everything for me._

  Neither did he.

  _I remember the way you played that violin; it was beautiful, yet melancholic and bittersweet. Which left me wondering: how could someone play like that? But it never occurred to me that that person would be the exact reason I play the same way as I do now._

  Fuck. Hijikata wanted Gintoki to stop – he was not the right person for him. Where ever he went, destruction follows, whether it be to himself or the others, Hijikata was not the right person to fall in love with.

  _I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my illness sooner. I…didn’t want to hurt you. My time is limited, and you know it as well as I. It’s why I’ve always been scared of falling in love and I’m sorry._

Don’t fucking apologize, you goddamned perm head. He understood all of it. He understood Gintoki’s decisions, every single one of them. He knew the man had never been given an opportunity to live like a normal person. Maybe that’s why he’d let it get this far.

  _I would never be able to say these things to you, but I hope you understand anyway. With my music._ Then the notes sped up, and Gintoki’s eyebrows furrowed further in concentration.

   _I love your this, this, this and this_ , the notes told him. _I’m never letting you go. So are you going to do the same for me?_

  Blood rushed to his face. _This and this and this. I love them all. I love your little quirks with mayonnaise, I love your smile, I love your laugh and I love your eyes. Your eyes are my favourite part of you._

  …Goddammit. Why was Hijikata feeling like this? What was this feeling? His heart was still hammering against his ribcage and every moment felt like hours.

_I love the way your fingers slip into mine; I love how they seem to fit together._

   That was your fault, idiot.

   _You give me so much motivation and desire to live. You are one of the reasons I’m still breathing today._

   He knew Hijikata for barely a year. What the hell was this idiot saying?

   _Thank you for making me feel complete._ Silence settled over them and Hijikata felt even queasier now. He opened his mouth but then Gintoki moved his hand to the last few notes, completing his beautiful remedy.

   _I love you_.

   I love you too.


	9. ix.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What did you wish for?” Gintoki asked eagerly; times like these, he reminded Hijikata of a small kid.  
>  “’m not tellin’ ya,” he said.  
>  “Aww, you’re such a bad sport!” he poked Hijikata on the side then wrapped his arms around his legs. “Know what I wished for?”  
>  “What?”  
>  “I wished to live longer.”

   It had been days since Gintoki had confessed to Hijikata. Everything had gone by with a blur, causing him to barely remember anything except for hearts furiously beating in sync with each other; a quick peck on his lips; warmness he relished in; strong arms wrapped around his body; quick breaths coming in and out in the darkness of the room – but most of all, he remembered how happy he’d been that night. Never in his life did he ever imagine he would find someone like Hijikata. Yet, it brought such bittersweet feelings in his heart and caused his chest to tighten.

   Takasugi and Katsura had visited him the next day, begging to know what happened. Apparently, Takasugi told Katsura what he’d been planning to do, which eventually led to Gintoki saying everything just right there and then. Katsura had squealed in excitement at that time and nearly squeezed Gintoki’s lungs out.

   “Sorry, sorry! I’m just – I’m so happy for you!” Katsura had said, his eyes full of tears. It was those little gestures that made Gintoki’s heart swell.

   He’d blushed intensely from embarrassment then, but the smiles and words of encouragement made Gintoki extremely happy. Naturally, their conversation led to Gintoki talking about Takasugi and Katsura’s relationship, and though he’d already known, he was glad they finally made it official. Gintoki himself was still unsure about his and Hijikata’s current relationship, but it was clear enough that their feelings were both mutual.

   “Gintoki?” Katsura asked as he perched himself on the couch near the window.

   “Mhm?”

   “What do you suppose will happen between you and Hijikata now?”

   Gintoki took a while to reply. Takasugi had gone down earlier to buy them some snacks, so he was left alone with Katsura. He felt more comfortable in confiding things with Katsura than Takasugi – though it’s mostly the matter of who gave better advice. For that matter, it was Katsura, because he’d always been the ‘wise’ one out of all of them.

   After a few moments, he shrugged, “I don’t know. What I do know is that he feels the same way about me. I’m just not sure if he’s ready for commitment since you know…” he trailed off, eyeing himself.

   “Hey, don’t lose hope, okay? I’m sure somewhere along the way you’ll find a heart donor.”

   “I’m not losing hope,” he reasoned out. “It’s just that I don’t want him to keep hoping for something that might not really happen. I don’t want him to get hurt, you know? With a disease like mine, who knows what could happen to me?”

   Katsura pursed his lips, but didn’t say anything back to him. Gintoki was grateful for that, otherwise he would end up spilling more about his own thoughts and feelings. He didn’t want to burden his friend like that. He had enough problems on his own; Gintoki didn’t want to add more to that.

   “If you say so.” Katsura nodded. Then his eyes widened as Takasugi opened the door, holding a bag of snacks. Gintoki hoped he had sugar-free strawberry milk.

   Gintoki went to stand up, but a painful pang in his chest made him gasp in pain. The world slightly tilted for a moment, and he grabbed hold onto whatever was near him. His two friends immediately ran to him in alert, saying things Gintoki didn’t – could not – hear. His ears were too busy buzzing and every breath felt like he was breathing fire.

    “Gintoki! Hey, Gintoki!” Takasugi’s deep voice waded in and out as he fell on his knees, clutching his chest as though it would make the pain go away. “Gintoki, can you hear me? I’m going to call a docto-!”

   “No! No, no, d-don’t…” he rasped. “I’ll…I’ll be fine in a second. J-Just let me…” He trailed off, swallowing down the thickness in his throat. His attacks were becoming more and more frequent now, and each was more painful and lasted longer than the previous one. This one was definitely the most painful he’d had yet.

    “H-Here, take this,” Katsura murmured in his ear, shoving a small white tablet in his hands. Gintoki quickly downed it and counted the minutes until the pain started to subside.

   “Gintoki, I have a feeling you’re not telling us something.” His long haired friend proclaimed, narrowing his eyes so much they almost looked like slits.

    “I’m fine. Really,” he insisted. How was he supposed to reply to that? He knew he was growing weaker and weaker by the day and even the nurses knew it. That was why they were looking for donors as fast as they can to save his life.

  He cleared his throat, trying to hide how hard his fingers were shaking. Gintoki stood up, albeit a little wobbly, but still managed to get on his feet. “Do y’have some strawberry milk f’me?” he asked, making his way towards the small table where Takasugi had placed the bag earlier. 

  His friend didn’t say anything for a long time; he just stared at the back of Gintoki’s head, making him somewhat uncomfortable, but he tried not to pay it any attention. His friends were too sharp - way too sharp for their own good. One wrong move, and Gintoki will find himself surrounded with doctors yet again. 

  He rummaged through the bag, getting a feel of the familiar small carton box which contained his favourite milk in the world and pulled it out with a loud, “Aha! There you are!” and poking the straw inside the carton. 

  “Has Hijikata said anything to you since then?” Katsura asked and in that moment, Gintoki was glad his friend noticed the awkwardness stimulating inside the room. 

  “Nah. I think he’s still embarrassed about it.” 

   _Or maybe he ran away and you scared him_ , said the voice inside his head.

  “You didn't do anything that night, right?” 

  “If you're asking if I kissed him that night, the answer is no, Zura,” he then smirked, “It’s already been done.” 

  “What?” 

  “Twice.” 

  “What?!” Katsura repeated again, jumping to his feet. “What? When? How? Why? _What?_ ”

  Gintoki laughed, waving his arm in the air. “The first time was when he-” He stopped as the memory played in his head. Then he swiftly covered his face with his sleeve, turning away from Katsura and Takasugi. “Nevermind.” He knew he was flushed. 

  But apparently, him refusing to say the details about those nights wasn’t what upset Katsura. It was that Gintoki didn't tell him that it happened. Katsura had acted like a kid then; pouting and glaring at Gintoki as if he’d done something wrong, though it did hold a playful glint to it. 

 Afterwards, the day was mostly just spent with Gintoki telling stories of them when they were younger and the mischief they’d caused during their childhood. He reminded them of how things were before he’d met them, how the other kids had shunned him because he was adopted, and how much things have changed since then. The day was filled with lots of laughs, smiles, shouting and screaming (mostly from Takasugi and Gintoki) and before they knew it, visiting hours were already over and they had to go back. 

 Perhaps Takasugi and Katsura had known it, perhaps they hadn’t, but Gintoki had a feeling things would never go back to how they were before. And maybe that’s why when they left, a sudden sadness hit him, leaving him hopeless with a growing anxiety he couldn’t shake off.

 

*****

 

 Hijikata was feeling nervous - very, very nervous, indeed. He couldn't believe he was about to do this, it wasn't _him_ , yet here he was, looking at himself in the mirror and actually trying to look good for once. He’d been preparing this for days - he’d even asked Keishi to help him with his piece. He’d finally decided to finish one of the original compositions he’d been working on for _years_ and he couldn't remember when exactly he started it. All he knew was that it was what begun his passion for music. 

  This composition was really personal and it was one that he would never, if he could help it, let other people hear. It contained all of his pent-up frustration, all his anger, his sadness, his pain over losing his mother, _everything._ There had only been one person who had heard it – well a sliver of it, anyway. _Sakata Gintoki_. And it had been an accident. 

 He didn't know what made him think it would be a really great idea to all of a sudden show this piece to Gintoki. Perhaps it was because he went out of the way to actually _write_ a song for Hijikata and no doubt losing sleep over it, even though it was one of the things the doctor had told him. 

  Hijikata hadn't spoken to Gintoki in days and though he missed him, he knew he would be embarrassed as hell if he saw him after what happened. The memory repeated itself in his head and his heart started pounding erratically again, his face turning a bright shade of pink as he looked at himself in the mirror. 

  “Fuck,” he hissed, squishing his face in his hands in an attempt to hide the fact that he was fucking blushing _again._ He needed to set himself straight before he sees Gintoki. Hijikata didn't want to mess up the first time he was finally going to play the violin in front of him. 

  There was a knock, snapping Hijikata out of his thoughts and his brother peeked his head through the door. Keishi was smiling brightly at him. He was surprised that the tension between them was gradually dissipating and both of them were beginning to adjust to one another. Sure, there are still times when Hijikata would flinch when Keishi touched him, or even slightly raised his voice, but that was all due to habit and seventeen years of anger. 

  “Mhmm~ are you ready, Toushi?” Keishi asked teasingly, smiling at him. Hijikata had told him about Gintoki (he’d decided to open up to him little by little and he’d started with Gintoki) and much to his surprise, Keishi whole-heartedly supported him. Of course, he never said a thing about the kisses they shared, or how he felt about him, but Hijikata figured Keishi knew about it anyway.

  “Yeah,” he muttered, as he fished out a cigar stick and lit it up. Taking a puff, he continued, “Let’s go.”

    With his free hand, he grabbed his violin case (where he’d shoved in most of his sheets, though he didn’t really need it) and the other casually flicking away the ash that started to form at the butt of his cigarette. Hijikata promised himself he would stop smoking - not only for his sake, but also Gintoki’s. Of course, he couldn’t have done it all at once so he’d toned it down to at least one pack a day. It was a struggle for him, since he hadn’t really found a substitute to his chain smoking yet.

   “This Gintoki kid must be really special, huh?” Keishi said to him as they got into the car. His brother was sporting a smug face, which irritated Hijikata. “Can’t I meet him?”

   “No.” He said firmly, chucking his cigar stick away. Keishi didn’t like it when he smoked in the car (and since he was trying to quit smoking, it was beneficial for him) because he claimed it smelled like “old people” which, of course, made Hijikata angry.

   “Not even once?” Keishi side-glanced him. When he didn’t get a reply, he just merely smiled. Hijikata had a look on his face Keishi had never seen on him (though that was probably because they were never as close). He genuinely looked really happy – heck, he was even trying to _hide_ his flushed face. Keishi never thought he’d think it, but he was glad Hijikata had someone to fall on after Tamegoro’s death. He was glad Hijikata had found someone to love him just as much as his mother and brother did. Though differently, it was still love nonetheless.

   And that was what had completely changed Hijikata into a different person.

 

*****

 

   “Where the fuck did you get that?” Hijikata asked, completely stunned as he stared at Keishi. In his hands, was a bouquet of winter flowers. He couldn’t believe it. His brother looked smugly at him again as he slowly backed away.

   “Eh. Got it for a cheap price down the flower shop when I went to visit Father’s grave. It looked stunning, so it caught my eye. I planned on leaving this on Tamegoro’s grave, but I remembered you had something important today,” he grinned sheepishly. “So I thought: why not? You need it more than him.” He rubbed the back of his head impishly as he handed it to him.

    The flowers looked really nice, though, he had to hand it to Keishi for being such a fucking weirdo. Hijikata just hoped Gintoki would like them. His heart was pounding now and he gripped the handle of his violin case tightly as he tried to calm himself down.

    “Here goes nothing…” he mumbled to himself.

    “Good luck!” Keishi shouted as Hijikata turned to the entrance.

    He didn’t wait until Keishi drove away. His heart was pounding a little too loudly and he took calming breaths to steady himself. Hijikata wasn’t this nervous when he practiced, so why was he scared now? The feelings were mutual, weren’t they? He shook his head – he had to remain calm. It was no use playing while he was this fidgety.

   Soon, he found himself staring at Gintoki’s name on the door, the clock ticking away without waiting for him. It was all or nothing. Hijikata knew if he didn’t do this today, he will never find another chance to. Gintoki’s time was running out. If he wanted to relay his feelings properly to him, it had to be now. A second chance might never come again. With that in mind, he pushed open the door, flowers in hand.

   “G-Gintoki?” he said quietly.

   There was no response. How odd. Could it be – ?

   “Gintoki?” he called out again, walking further into the room. His heart was beating erratically. It took him a while to spot the silver-haired man, but when Hijikata did, he dropped everything in his hands and rushed towards him.

   Gintoki was bent over the floor, head facing the wall, and his body was trembling. Hijikata dropped next to him, gripping the other man’s shoulders very tightly. His face was pallid and it glistened with sweat. Pain was written all over Gintoki’s face.

   “H-Hold on, I’m going to call the doctor-!” Hijikata quickly stood, but Gintoki’s hand pulled him back. He shook his head.

   “What do you mean no?! At this rate you’re going to have an attack!”

   “I-I’m fine,” he rasped. He was breathing quite heavily. “Just…need…m-my pills…” He began coughing violently, and Hijikata had to cradle his head in his lap, hands shaking in fear as he tried to call for help.

   “Gintoki-!”

   “H-Hijikata. Please.” Gintoki gave him a stern look that left him no choice but to obey.

   “Alright,” he sighed. “Where are they?”

   “The drawer to your right…” Gintoki rolled off of him so he could move. The silver haired man was obviously in a lot of discomfort; his chest was heaving up and down and his face was contorted in agony. Hijikata rummaged through the said drawer until he saw a bottle of pills.

   “Here,” he said, panicking as he handed it to him with shaky hands. Gintoki took them and downed more than he should have.

   Slowly, Gintoki’s face returned to normal, but it was still as pallid as Hijikata saw them when he came in a few moments ago. Losing his composure, he swore under his breath and went back to pick up the discarded flowers on the ground.

   “Are those for me?” Gintoki asked; his voice was back to its usual playful tone, like nothing had happened just now.

   Hijikata cleared his throat. “S-Supposed to be, yeah…” The flowers looked nice when Keishi gave it to him, but now it looked like a horse trampled over it. “It’s irrelevant now.” And tossed it towards the table in front of him.

   Gintoki smiled warmly, making Hijikata’s heart flutter. _Fuck_ , he thought to himself. _If it’s like this, I won’t be able to stop myself any longer._ Gintoki made his way towards the table and picked up the destroyed bouquet of flowers. He stared at it for quite some time and that was probably one of the things that pissed off Hijikata about him. Gintoki’s face was neutral most of the time, making it nearly impossible for anyone to know what he’s thinking about.

   “Thank you,” Gintoki said after a moment, his voice ricocheting off the walls. He placed it back down on the table and sat on his bed, eyes travelling all over Hijikata’s body. “Why’re you here?”

   “I-I, uh…I wanted to show you something.” As a hint, he held up his violin case. “You said you’ve never heard me play so…”

   “Really? Hell yeah!” Gintoki jumped to his feet and did a little happy dance. “Wow, Hijikata! After what seemed like forever, you’re finally going to play the violin for me!”

   “I-It’s not for you!”

   “Yeah, yeah, sure it isn’t,” Gintoki winked, giving him a pat on the shoulder.

   “But I’m not playing it here. I want to go somewhere where no one can disturb us.”

   He faked a gasp. “You don’t mean…are you going to make lov-!”

   Hijikata flipped him off.

 

*****

 

   “When did you take the time to do all o’ this?!” Gintoki exclaimed, surveying the area.

   “Had some free time.” Hijikata shrugged, pushing Gintoki’s wheelchair. It was hard getting Gintoki to sit on the damned wheelchair because he claimed that “he wasn’t an old person” but Hijikata had to tell him that the doctors wouldn’t permit him leaving his room unless he’s on a wheelchair.

   “But I don’t want to!” he had wailed, clinging onto the leg of his bed like a little child. “I can walk perfectly fine!”

   “I told ya, the doctor ain’t letting me take you out unless you’re on a fuckin’ wheelchair, you damn bastard!”

   It took a lot of screaming and arguments and a kick to the face before Gintoki _finally_ gave up and was pushed out of the room in defeat. He’d been pouting all the way from his room to the rooftop, muttering things like ‘curse this damn v-shaped bangs bastard, who the hell does he think he is’ under his breath. Now that look was completely wiped off from his face, making Hijikata feel a tiny bit smug about the whole situation.

  “Woah! There’s even a picnic mat! What the heck are you planning, Hijikata!” Gintoki craned his neck backwards and looked at him.

   “Y-You’ll see…” Hijikata pushed Gintoki’s wheelchair towards the middle and stopped near the mat.

   “Y’know, I never pegged you for a hopeless romantic!” Gintoki teased.

   “Shut up, or I’m goin’ back home.”

   “Aww, don’t be like that, Hijikata-kun!”

   He ignored him as he set down his violin case. It was kind of odd; he’d felt so nervous about playing in front of Gintoki, but now all those feelings have gone down the drain and the only thing that filled his mind was determination. Gintoki watched him intently as he pulled out his violin. Hijikata had made sure it was well polished so it looked shiny beneath the moonlight. Taking a deep breath, he stood, tucking the violin in the crook of his neck and the bow on his right hand.

   Gintoki was still watching him with deep concentration. He sat cross-legged on the mat and he leaned back on his arms so that they were carrying most of his weight. Like this, sitting underneath the stars, Hijikata saw just how handsome Gintoki truly was. His nervousness was slowly coming back, but even that wasn’t enough to sway him anymore. It had to be now. Now, or he will never find another chance to tell Gintoki about his feelings properly. And so his arm moved on its own accord.

   Hijikata had played this piece so many times that his body had memorized it. He wasn’t thinking about it anymore; he let his body take over and play for Gintoki with immense concentration. He poured all of his emotions on the little bow on his hand and played. All the while, there was no reaction from Gintoki – not a smile, no nothing – just that half-lidded eyes of his focusing on Hijikata’s music.

   And that was all Hijikata needed, really. He began swaying to the rhythm and movement of his arm, sweat beading on his forehead. Slow, fast, slow, fast; that was the pace of his melody. Then a tiny gasp escaped Gintoki’s mouth as realization struck him: he had heard this piece before. Of course he had. It was what Hijikata was playing when they first met.

   By the time he was done, his back was clad in sweat and his arms were cramping. Gintoki still didn’t say anything and Hijikata was beginning to worry that the man didn’t like his composition after all.

   “Uh…” Hijikata began awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck absentmindedly. The tie around his neck was starting to itch and it irritated the shit out of him. He didn’t want to look at Gintoki because he knew his own face was flushed. Then there was a tug around his neck and he fell forward, towards the ground and into Gintoki’s arms.

    Lips crashed with his, but Hijikata was too stunned to kiss him back. But his mind cleared away and soon, their mouths opened up underneath each other; Gintoki’s tasting faintly of something sweet and Hijikata’s of smoke. He dropped his violin and snaked his arms around Gintoki’s cold neck as he positioned himself closer to him.

    There was a flick of a tongue and Hijikata absolutely lost his fucking control. A growl left his throat and he pressed himself against Gintoki’s body, giving him warmth despite the coldness of his body. One of Gintoki’s arms still kept a hold tight on Hijikata’s tie and the other was resting on his jaw, his thumbs making tiny circles against his cheek bones.

    He had no idea how long they stayed there like that, but by the time it was over, their lips were swollen and they were both out of breath. Remembering that it wasn’t good for Gintoki’s health to be winded like that, Hijikata cursed.

    “S-Shit! I-I’m sorry I got carried away…”

    “It’s okay.” Gintoki smiled at him and Hijikata didn’t understand how and why his face wasn’t red. He was sure _he_ looked like a tomato!

    Hijikata sat down properly next to him, their hands intertwined together. He wasn’t a fan of holding hands, but it was only the two of them here. No one else.

    “Ne, Hijikata,” the other man whispered as he stared up at the night sky, watching the stars twinkling above him.

   “Hm?”

   “Thank you.”

    “E-Eh? W-Why?”

    “You played beautifully.”

    “O-Oh… N-No problem…”

    No one said anything for a long time again. Hijikata didn’t know what was going on in Gintoki’s mind that he didn’t even realize he had let go of their hands. He tried thinking up of a topic, but there was none, so he just joined Gintoki in watching the stars above them.

    “A shooting star!” he exclaimed then, pointing at a streak of light. Gintoki gripped his shoulder. “Quick! Make a wish!”

    Hijikata was going to say something about shooting stars being bullshit, but upon seeing Gintoki close his eyes, all he could do was do the exact same thing.

   _Please don’t let Gintoki die. Please…_

   “What did you wish for?” Gintoki asked eagerly; times like these, he reminded Hijikata of a small kid.

   “’m not tellin’ ya,” he said.

   “Aww, you’re such a bad sport!” he poked Hijikata on the side then wrapped his arms around his legs. “Know what I wished for?”

   “What?”

   “I wished to live longer.”

   Hijikata’s heart broke.

   “So I can still spend time with everyone. With Kondo-san, my friends, my family, and you, Hijikata.” His head fell forward, burying them in his knees.

   Now Hijikata felt bad for even think about things like shooting stars being bullshit. How fucking insensitive of him. Gintoki’s life was in danger every day, so he clung onto even a tiny shred of hope of being able to get a heart donor and living a normal life. He looked at him and saw just how much he changed in a few weeks since he’d been admitted in the hospital. Gintoki was thinner now; his clothes clung loosely on his frame, and he was paler than before. He didn’t want to believe it yet, but he knew Gintoki didn’t have much time left.

    “I’m scared.” Hijikata blurted out before he could stop himself. “I’m scared, Gintoki. What if…”

    He didn’t need to finish his sentence before Gintoki looked back at him. He grabbed Hijikata’s hand and pressed it against his chest. His shirt was a little bit open, so he could see the faint scar left on the skin from previous operations.

   “Do you feel that?” Gintoki whispered.

   “Y-Yes…” He could feel the faint beating of his heart.

   “This shows you that I am alive. I’m not going anywhere until this heart of mine stops beating.”

   Surprisingly, that made Hijikata feel a little bit relieved. They sat there again for a long time, relishing in each other’s warmth, letting the time tick away. Times like these, it made Gintoki feel like he was finally living the life he’d always yearned for.

    “We should go back. It’s getting colder. You might catch a cold and it’ll be bad for you.” Hijikata said as he stood up, but Gintoki pulled him back down again.

    “Not yet. I want to stay here for a little longer. I missed the fresh air.” Gintoki patted the small empty space next to him again. “Sit back down.”

    Hijikata hesitated for a moment, but did as he was told anyway. “You know,” Gintoki started. “I’ve always been scared of falling in love. Not because I’m scared of dying, but because I’m scared of hurting that person. I’m scared of leaving them in the dark and passing on, knowing my time is limited. I’m scared of loving that person, knowing that I will just give them pain in the end, when I am gone and no longer here.

   “I couldn’t care less about dying. That’s what I thought before. As long as my friends are here, as long as my family is here, I can pass on without affecting anyone too much. But then I met you. It was the last thing I wanted, but I grew attached to you and ended up falling for you. And I thought: do I really want to die? Do I really want to leave everyone behind?”

   He paused. Leaned his head against Hijikata’s shoulder. “Takasugi may seem like an arrogant bastard all the time, but he’s a good man. He may not look it, but he cares about you very much.

   “Katsura will treat you like his own brother. He gives good advices, so if you’ve ever come across problems, he’ll be there to help you.

   “And Sakamoto… he’s an idiot but he’s good too. Kind-hearted, kind of dense sometimes, but it won’t hurt him to visit you from time to time, even if you aren’t close, to keep you company when he’s here in Tokyo.”

   “W-What are you saying?” Hijikata chuckled nervously. _This sounds nothing like him_. “It’s almost as if you’re saying good bye…”

   “Don’t be an idiot, Hijikata,” Gintoki snapped, but his voice sounded weak. He sighed, entangling their hands together once more and nuzzling his face into the crook of Hijikata’s neck. “I’m cold…and tired.”

   Hijikata brushed his fingers in Gintoki’s hair and chortled. “That’s why I told you we should head back. If you catch a cold, I will not just go through one person, but _two_. After the doctor scolds me, she will probably never let me visit you again and I’ll have to go through Takasugi beating the shit out of me, then who are you going to annoy?”

   There was no response.

   “I mean, you can always annoy Takasugi, but you gotta admit it’s not the same with me. That shorty is too serious. That’s why you resort to annoying me, right? You always blabber on and on and on about your stupid JUMP mangas and start complaining about your natural permy mess of a hair. Then when I tell you that you reading mangas at your age can’t be normal, you then retort an insult at me and say in that abnormally loud voice of yours, ‘How dare you! At least I’m not some sick mayonnaise addict! Who the hell puts mayonnaise in their coffee anyway? That’s disgusting!’”

   There was no response.

    “Plus, if you get sick, the doctor won’t allow me to take you out anymore, you know. Do you really want to spend more time in the hospital? If you catch a cold now, then what will happen to beating this disease? You said you wanted to be with everyone, right? With Takasugi, Katsura, Kondo-san and even Shouyou-san and…”

     Hijikata paused, panic taking over, as Gintoki’s grip loosened around his. “Hey, Gintoki…you said you wanted to be with me…Gintoki…”

    There was no response.


	10. x.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then what do you want to be called by?” Gintoki crawled up the bed, the look of mischief evident on his face again. “Prince Mayora?”  
> “No.” Hijikata said, heart hammering against his chest.  
> “Tosshi?”  
> “No.”   
> “Hijikata-kun?”  
> He shook his head, sweat dripping down his back as Gintoki moved towards him again so that their faces were merely a few inches from each other.  
> "Then what?”  
> “I-I don’t know.”  
> “Then what about…” Hijikata gulped as Gintoki’s face got nearer and nearer until he could feel his breath mingle with his own. He moved closer and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “What about I call you mine?”

   Perhaps Gintoki had known it himself – suspected it himself – that he didn’t have much time left. Perhaps that was the reason he was acting unperturbed about the whole situation. Nurses have told him not to overexert himself, yet he was still jumping on his feet and was as loud as usual. Hijikata didn’t know if Gintoki noticed it, but he certainly did. Despite everyone’s warm smiles around him, there was also a tinge of sadness.

   But try as Gintoki might, nothing would escape Hijikata unnoticed. No matter how much Gintoki insisted that he was fine, no matter how many times he dismissed their concerned remarks about him, that he would be back to normal as soon as possible, the smiles he gave them would never fool Hijikata. He had seen his _real_ smile, and the ones he gave were definitely forced.

   Gintoki let out a loud cough, making everyone jump to their feet. Nowadays, they all fussed over the littlest things and knowing Gintoki, he must be extremely irritated at how everyone was babying him. Kondo had managed to latch himself onto Gintoki’s leg, crying and mumbling words like, “nooo, don’t leave us Gin-san!” and Takasugi getting mad and giving their teacher a hard smack on the head. Shouyou remained calm and smiled at Gintoki, asking if he needed anything else while Katsura handed him a glass of water.

   And Hijikata? He remained sitting down on the couch, watching the situation and Gintoki’s actions with unrelenting eyes. _Everyone_ in the room knew what was going to happen to Gintoki if they don’t find a donor soon, yet something was still throwing him off. Could it be because of the way they were acting? Or was it perhaps Gintoki himself and the fact that he could die right now without warning? Or maybe it was the doctors, who promised they were doing the best they can, yet the man he loved was still suffering from this goddamn disease?

   He felt helpless, really. Helpless that he can’t do anything to make Gintoki’s situation better, helpless that he can’t do anything; that all he _can_ do is wait and wait and wait for something short of a _miracle_ to happen and save Gintoki’s life. His blood boiled at his own helplessness. Hijikata wanted to help Gintoki _so_ bad and if he could, he would donate his own heart to him. But he can’t. Gintoki would _never_ do it if he knew Hijikata could do that. It would tear him apart. But maybe…

   Hijikata shook his head. That was out of the question, definitely. But for now…he’ll put the thought at the back of his mind. Only and _only_ if it was necessary would Hijikata give his heart to save Gintoki’s life. But even then, he doubted he was healthy enough to be a donor. He unconsciously let out an exasperated sigh and brought unwanted attention to himself.

  Hijikata hadn’t touched Gintoki, much less go near him, since the incident happened. He didn’t know why he was keeping his distance, but he had a feeling Gintoki was satisfied enough that at least Hijikata was there with him.

  “It’s getting late,” Shouyou said quietly, looking at the clock on the wall above Hijikata’s head. “You oughta rest, Gintoki.” It was a _sliver_ of it, but Hijikata was convinced he saw something change in Shouyou’s expression then. Something dark.

  “Yeah, alright,” Gintoki sighed, rolling his left shoulder to free it from the cramping. “Thanks for visiting me again today. I know everyone’s busy.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Gintoki!” Katsura smacked him on the back as he flashed him a smile. “Anything for you.”

  Shouyou went to grab his lounge suit that was folded neatly next to Hijikata. Smiling gently at him, the gray haired man asked, “Are you staying behind for a while?”

  ….Fuck. This old man read him like a book. Were his thoughts that easy to read? Blushing furiously, Hijikata mumbled, “U-Uh, y-yeah...Wanted to spend time with G-Gintoki w-with myself for a-a while..”

  “No need to be embarrassed, Hijikata-san,” Shouyou chuckled. He then gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Take good care of Gintoki, alright? He may not look like it, but this situation is bothering him _way_ more than he’s letting on.”

  “I know. I can tell from the smiles he puts on.”

  Shouyou looked stunned. “I guess you know him a lot more than _you_ let on, then.” He paused. “Hijikata-san?”

  “Hm?”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For making Gintoki happy.”

 

*****

 

   “You’re not going back with them?” Gintoki asked, eyeing Hijikata. He was sprawled across the couch, one arm dangling off the floor, and the other resting on his stomach.

   “Nah. Wanted to spend some time with you for a while.”

   Gintoki looked, for a lack of better word, taken aback. It seemed he didn’t expect this kind of gesture from anyone, lest of all _him_. Letting out a low chuckle, Gintoki slipped beneath the covers and put his arms behind his back as he stared at the ceiling.

   Hijikata _had_ decided to stay behind, but he had no fucking idea what it was he wanted to do with Gintoki. They couldn’t just stay like this forever, could they, staring at nothingness, dwelling with negative thoughts in the hospital. And besides, Hijikata had been _itching_ to do something with Gintoki, whether it be talk, hug, cuddle, kiss, anything would be enough for him.

   “Hijikata,” Gintoki said suddenly, “C’mere.”

  He sighed, wiping his sweaty palms on his trousers. Gintoki patted the small space next to him and scooted a tiny bit over, a look of mischief on his face. Hijikata, although feeling a little nervous, got up and sat next to Gintoki.

  The silver-haired man spread his arms, smirking. “Hop into my arms, baby.”

  “Fuck no,” he grunted, pushing him away and Gintoki fell to the floor with a soft thud.

  “Aw, you’re so rude, Mayora!”

  “What the fuck! Don’t call me with that ugly ass nickname! The fuck did you even _hear_ that from?!”

  Gintoki laughed (it wasn’t fake or forced, Hijikata noticed). “I was watching this show on TV earlier. It’s called _Gintama_ and one of the characters there reminded me of you. Like you, he also likes mayonnaise. Not like - absolutely _adores_ it.”

  “That ain’t mean I gave you permission to call me an ugly ass nickname like _Mayora_ or something fucked up like that,” Hijikata huffed, though he cannot hide the smile lingering on his face.

  “Then what do you want to be called by?” Gintoki crawled up the bed, the look of mischief evident on his face again. “Prince Mayora?”

  “No.” Hijikata said, heart hammering against his chest. Gintoki moved another inch towards him.

  “Tosshi?”

  “No.” Sweat formed on his brow. Gintoki moved another inch towards him. His hands were now on either side of Hijikata’s legs.

  “Hijikata-kun?”

  He shook his head, sweat dripping down his back as Gintoki moved towards him again so that their faces were merely a few inches from each other.

  “Then what?”

  “I-I don’t know.”

  “Then what about…” Hijikata gulped as Gintoki’s face got nearer and nearer until he could feel his breath mingle with his own. He moved closer and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “What about I call you mine?”

  Hijikata turned into a very, very dark shade of red. Goddamn Gintoki. Goddamn his fucking way with words, goddamn _him_. He looked away, refusing to make eye contact with the bastard, because he knew if he looked at him now with the way his heart was beating into his chest, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

  “Fucking bastard,” he mumbled under his breath as Gintoki gave yet another chuckle.

  “I think you’d like it, though.” Gintoki placed his hands on his shoulders and leaned in for another kiss. Hijikata, having given up all the will to move away from the silver-haired man, let his hand, which was keeping a distance between him and Gintoki, drop and instead pulled him closer to him so that their chests were pressed up against each other.

  Despite the coldness of the room, Gintoki’s body was warm against his, reminding Hijikata that Gintoki was here, that he was alive, and he wasn’t going anywhere and he was going to stay here with Hijikata even when time stops moving.

  Their mouths were in sync with each other and it grew more and more ferocious the more they got into it. Hijikata heard a moan but he didn’t know if it was his or Gintoki’s, and it didn’t matter either way because the kiss was just too good for him to break away.

  Gintoki started to push him down and he happily obliged. Cold hands slid up his shirt, making him shiver in pleasure. Hijikata was becoming breathless now, but just as he started to pull away, he felt a sharp sting on his bottom lip.

  “Ouch! Hey, you fucking bit me!” he hissed, pressing his fingers to his bleeding lip.

  “S-Sorry, I-I was…” Gintoki trailed off, his chest heaving up and down. Hijikata saw a different expression on Gintoki’s face now, one he’d never seen before. “As I thought, it’s no good. I…It is hard being around you like this when my heart feels like it’s about to burst.” He smiled sheepishly.

  “O-Oh…” Hijikata didn’t know why, but his words stung.

  Gintoki crawled back into the covers and put one arm behind his back as he stared at ceiling. Hijikata, lips swollen and sweating from the kissing they just did, let out a sigh and without even thinking, laid down properly next to him. He didn’t know if Gintoki had meant to do it, but the bastard put his arm around him and pulled him closer.

  Hijikata’s heart was already hammering into his chest; he didn’t need an affectionate gesture like _this_ to make it worse and make him feel like he was out of breath again. But Gintoki didn’t say anything – he only held him close, his fingers stroking his hair with an unreadable expression on his face.

  Moments like these, Hijikata couldn’t help but ask the one question that had been bothering him since the night of the incident. “Gintoki,” he said quietly, closing his eyes shut as Gintoki treaded his fingers through his hair. Oddly enough, it felt comfortable.

  “Hm?”

  Hijikata looked up at him. “A-Are we a thing? Er – I mean, what are we? Are we o-official?”

  Gintoki pursed his lips, then said, “Hm…I don’t know. The terms ‘boyfriend’ or ‘partner’ or ‘lover’ are just labels to me, really. Besides I…I like whatever it is we are right now. S-So I’d like to keep it this way, if you don’t mind. You just be Hijikata Toushirou, and I’ll just be Sakata Gintoki. Those terms aren’t important. What matters is that we both love and cherish each other. Sound good?”

   Hijikata nodded. “Yeah.”

   They stayed like that for a long time again; Hijikata vaguely aware of Gintoki’s fingers softly pressing into his scalp; the heat trapped between the two of them and how they relished in each other’s warmth; and the sound of the beating of their hearts.

   “Hijikata.”

   “What?”

   Gintoki dipped down and pressed their lips together again and this time, Hijikata offered no resistance. He just let it happen. The hand in his hair was gone – now it was resting on his cheek, thumb circling the soft and smooth area. He wriggled, trying to get comfortable and somehow ended up on top of Gintoki.

   Hands held on to the hem of his shirt and their kiss somewhat turned into need. Hijikata broke away from the kiss and started kissing every nook and cranny of Gintoki’s neck – he even pushed down the annoying hospital gown and kissed down Gintoki’s shoulder. Gintoki’s hands were nowhere to be seen, but as soon as Hijikata felt a cool sensation running up and down the lines of his abdomen and chest, he shuddered.

   Hijikata gave him another kiss and it was even more heated than before. Gintoki’s legs were wrapped around his hips and he was tugging _hard_ into Hijikata’s shirt. Growling, he removed the pesky clothing off and now Gintoki’s hands were travelling all over his body.

   “Dammit,” Hijikata hissed, breaking away from the kiss. “I – I won’t be able to stop myself if we keep continuing like this.”

   “It’s okay,” Gintoki panted. “You can continue.”

   “But it’s not going to be good for your heart! You might pass out or _worse_ – get an attack while I’m doing you! I am not taking that risk. I don’t want to lose you, Gintoki.”

   “Won’t you trust me?” he said; his voice held a tone of pleading. “I _want_ this, Hijikata. Please.”

   He hesitated. Hijikata didn’t know if sex was a good thing for Gintoki’s health, for all he knew, it could even give him a heart attack or something! It was too risky, and even Gintoki _knew_ that. But how can he refuse when he was giving him an expression like that?

   “The moment you feel like something is wrong, you tell me _immediately_ and I will stop. Promise me,” he said firmly.

   “I promise.”

 

*****

 

   Later that night, when everything was quiet save for the mumbles Hijikata made in his sleep, Gintoki laid awake, unmoving, staring at the ceiling and being hyper aware of the man sound asleep next to him. He couldn't believe he just slept with Hijikata. The entire thing seemed so surreal to him, he had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming it. The entire time Hijikata had been gentle and extra cautious - so not to arouse him so much to the point he felt like his heart was going to burst at the seams - but it was pleasurable nonetheless.  
  
   Gintoki was glad that he made this decision because he didn't know how long he could hold on for much longer. He was desperate, so, so desperate to do the things he wanted and needed to do now that he was to leave this world soon and never seeing his loved ones again.  
  
   Making a small sigh, Gintoki pulled Hijikata closer (who effectively wrapped his arm around his torso, burying himself into the crook of Gintoki's neck and looked down at him with a small smile. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to his forehead and whispered, "I love you."

 

*****

 

  Though the entire experience had been a complete blur for him, Hijikata couldn’t help but feel happy. Something in his chest swelled up and bloomed, making his mood _very_ light the whole day. Hijikata had gone home early that morning while Gintoki was still sound asleep. He didn’t want to disturb the sleeping man as he knew that he deserved it after their little...fling last night. And so he left him a small note, letting him know that he went home because he had something to take care of.

   Now he was on his way back and felt that he was about to break his back from the amount of stuff he was carrying - he’d prepared a small lunch with Gintoki (he knew the man was getting tired of hospital food) but Keishi meddled in and added extra things into his basket, making it a lot heavier than it already was.

   Sweat formed on his forehead as he jammed his finger to the floor leading to Gintoki’s room. The elevator closed quietly, leaving him to quietly struggle as he carried the basket and plastic bags in his hands. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Hijikata was _really_ cheerful and he felt like he deserved it. He was finally with someone who could make him truly happy and even though he was aware it would be short-lived, he would still give it his all to keep Gintoki safe in his arms.

   The elevator dinged, indicating that he reached Gintoki’s floor. He stepped out and even dared to whistle a cheery tune to something he’d heard on the radio while driving (he’d borrowed Keishi’s car) on his way to the hospital. But as Hijikata made his last turn, he knew something was wrong. Kondo was sat outside looking anxious as hell with Shouyou looking just as panicked as he was. Takasugi stood by the door and he was glaring at the wall like he wanted to punch the living shit out of it and Katsura…Katsura was inside Gintoki’s room, running around and searching frantically for something.

   No. _Someone_.

   “Wh-What’s going on?” Hijikata asked as he placed the shit he was carrying on the chair Kondo was sat next to.

   It was Takasugi who replied and his tone sounded so threatening that it almost made Hijikata cower. “Gintoki’s missing.”

   “What do you mean?” he asked again. He was sure the confusion was written all over his face.

   “You heard me, you damn bastard,” Takasugi growled and before Hijikata could do anything else, the man strode towards him and grabbed him by the collars of his shirt, pushing him against the wall. “Gintoki is _missing_. Where are you hiding him, huh? You think just because you two are together now, you can take him away from us?”

   “I don’t have any fucking idea what you’re talking about.” Hijikata snapped, giving him a cold glare.

   “You stayed back behind with him last night, didn’t you? Now tell me. _Where the hell are you hiding him?_ ”

   “I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about! Let go of me, you jackass.” Hijikata pushed Takasugi away but he was not backing down. He still gave him a hard glare, looking at him like he wanted to kill him.

   “I don’t know if you know this but Gintoki – Gintoki means a lot to me. Do you know how it feels like fearing you’ll wake up one day only to find your best friend dead by your side?” Takasugi started.

   “Gintoki has been wishing to live a normal life for _ten years_ , Hijikata. Ten. Getting rid of this disease and replacing his heart is the _only_ thing that’s stopping him from doing so. Do you know how he was like before he met you? He was like half-dead; alive but a corpse inside. I have never seen him smile _so_ brightly when he’s around you. Since you came,” Takasugi’s voice wavered. “So damn me for being a rude bastard, damn me for being desperate and for being protective over my best friend, damn me for being selfish.”

    “I know Gintoki’s been fighting this goddamn condition for years and I know he’s more than ready to die. But I hate it. I hate that he’s accepting that this is his fate – that he’s going to go down after having lasted for ten years. I hate it. So forgive me for being selfish.”

   Then he did something Hijikata never thought Takasugi would ever do. The man got down to his knees and _begged._ His voice cracked with grief and pain as he said: “Please, Hijikata. I don’t care what kind of lengths you’ll have to go to, but _please_. _Please don’t let my best friend die._ ”

 

*****

 

   “There you are,” Hijikata said, panting as he burst into the roof top. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

   “That took you longer than usual,” Gintoki said quietly, his back turned to him as he looked down at the people and buildings below. “Sorry. I just…wanted fresh air once in a while.”

   Hijikata walked towards him, albeit a little shaky, and tugged at his elbow. “Come on. Takasugi’s out for my blood. He’s going to kill me if something were to happen to you.” He tugged a little harder, but Gintoki yanked his arm away.

   “Is…Is it that easy for you to joke about death?” Gintoki said softly. It was then that Hijikata realized his mistake. Of fucking course. Way to be insensitive.

   “I’m sorry – I..I didn’t mean it like that, I –” Hijikata apologized, but his attempts fell on deaf ears. “Gintoki, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking stupid – why did I say that? _God_ , I’m _so_ sorry.”

   “Quit it!” Gintoki shouted angrily and Hijikata was taken aback. “I’m so sick and tired of everyone apologizing to me! It’s always I’m sorry this, I’m sorry that, I don’t want to fucking hear it!”

   “I’m so-” Hijikata caught himself before he could apologize again. He was stunned. He’d never seen Gintoki act like this. Gintoki had never gotten mad at anyone, much less him. “W-What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me, Gintoki.”

   The silver-haired man turned to him, pain evident on his face. “Stop it. Stop – _stop that_. I don’t want anyone’s pity. Want me to tell you what’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong, Hijikata. I’m dying. I’m _dying_. Has that ever occurred to you? Do you think about your own death so often you even dream about it? Do you fear closing your eyes at night, scared that you might not wake up the next day? Do you hate yourself because your body’s so fragile and weak and you wish you lived the next day as someone else? Do you, Hijikata?

   “Want to know if I’m okay? _I’m not._ I’m not fucking okay, and you should know that. I’m not fucking okay because I’m dying and I can’t do anything about it. I’m not fucking okay no matter how many times I tell myself not to give up. I’ve lasted all these years, haven’t I? So why? Why was I cursed to live like this? Did I go wrong somewhere down the line?

   “I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much for being such a burden to everyone else. I’ve made my dad suffer all these years just paying for my medical bills. I’ve been in and out the hospital ever since I was fifteen, had multiple operations and guess what? I’m still dying. All those medicines and operations ever did was delay my death. That’s all it did because ten years later, I’m still suffering.” Gintoki stopped. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to stop the tears from flowing. Hijikata couldn’t find anything to say to comfort Gintoki. Instead, he moved closer to him; he didn’t do it to touch him or anything – he did it to let the man know that he was listening and that he wasn’t alone.

    “Over the years, I began to accept that this is my fate,” Gintoki started again, his whole body trembling now, “That I was destined to die like this. But I was still scared. The thought of leaving everyone behind terrified me. I thought that was all to it, but it wasn’t. I realize now, as I look at you, that the reason that I’m scared is because I don’t want to be forgotten. Time passes, and eventually, they’ll forget about me and the memories I shared with them. Hijikata, when I die, promise me something,” Gintoki turned to him, eyes pleading. “Please don’t forget about me. Those precious memories I shared with you and everyone else…are what I hold the dearest.”

    Hijikata opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Why was it that he couldn’t say anything? Gintoki still looked at him with that expression and it made his heart twist with pain. He stayed quiet for a while until finally, he said: “I’m not going to let you die, Gintoki. I _won’t_. I’ll find a way to save you. I promise.”

    He knew he shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. But, deep down, it sounded like Gintoki knew it already anyway.

 

*****

 

    “Do you know how to dance?” Hijikata said, breaking the silence between them. They’ve been up at the roof for hours because Gintoki didn’t want to go and show his face to the others yet.

   “No. Why are you asking that?” he said, puffing his cheeks out in a cute way.

   “Why else would I ask?” Hijikata chuckled, then stood up, wiping his clammy hands on his trousers. “I wanna dance. With you.”

   “But I don’t know bat shit about dancing, Hijikata,” Gintoki protested. “I might step on your foot. I don’t wanna embarrass myself.”

   “It’s pretty simple. Come on. Just follow my instructions.” He pulled Gintoki towards him and put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his waist. Gintoki followed suit.

   “You know where to put your hands at least.” Hijikata laughed. “Just follow my lead.” Hijikata took a step forward. Gintoki did the same thing.

   “No, no, no, when I step forward, you step _backwards_ ,” Hijikata instructed. Gintoki followed. Surprisingly, he wasn’t losing his patience with Gintoki. He…sort of enjoyed it like this at least. He wanted to cherish every single memory he had of Gintoki.

   Gintoki tripped over something and he pitched forward, making Hijikata fall hard on his ass. He let out a loud yelp, which was immediately drowned out by the sound of Gintoki’s laughter. Hijikata realized it wasn’t the forced laugh Gintoki had been giving ever since the incident, so he couldn’t help but smile. That smile soon turned into laughter, and then the next moment, they were both laughing, though they had no idea what they were laughing about in the first place.

    Moments like these should be the one he should never, ever forget.  He never wanted to forget the image of Gintoki laughing – the way he threw his head back and howled with laughter as though he was shouting at the heavens; the way his hair never seemed to stay in the same position; the little dip in his bright, red nose; the way his skin glistened under the glow of the pale moonlight; _everything_. Hijikata wanted to cherish moments like these the most and hold them close to his heart and never forget them.

    Because this was Gintoki’s last wish.

 

*****

 

   Hijikata burst into the ICU, his heart pounding heavily and loudly in his ears. He’d been anxious and trembling with fear during his whole trip to the hospital and he hadn’t stopped shaking ever since Katsura told him the news. There was a huge lump in his throat and tears burned the back of his eyes as he scanned the corridor for familiar faces.

    Finally, he spotted his friends huddled in one corner and he quickly made his way towards them. Hijikata had half a mind to just ignore them and burst into the room Gintoki was in, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He was already feeling weak and his head was spinning.

   “H-How…did this happen?” Hijikata managed to say as he walked towards the big glass which showed Gintoki lying in bed, obviously in critical condition. He had a lot of tubes entering and exiting his body. The heart monitor showed a faint line, which meant Gintoki was still alive, but barely.

   “Doctors said that he went into cardiac arrest last night after we’ve all left,” Katsura said, his voice barely audible. “They said the cause was because of all the stress piling up on him until his body couldn’t take it and eventually triggered a heart attack. Now they’re desperate because up until now, there aren’t any donors that’s compatible with him.”

    Hijikata opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. What if he gave his instead? Wouldn’t that be enough to save his life? Was he even healthy enough to donate his own heart? He looked into the big glass again and felt his eye twitch. Gintoki had always been pale, but he’s never seen him as pale as he was now. Just then, Doctor Ayano came out, her face just as stiff as everyone else in the room.

   “How is he, doc?” Shouyou asked, rubbing his hands together.

   The doctor shook her head. “I’m afraid he might not make it to tomorrow at this rate. It’s best if you all say your goodbyes to him now. He’s been fighting a long and hard battle against this disease. I…” Doctor Ayano trailed off and her shoulders trembled for a little bit before continuing. “At least this way, he can no longer suffer.”

   Hijikata hated that. He hated that phrase. He absolutely despised it. He knew Doctor Ayano was probably just trying her best to be optimistic, but Hijikata wasn’t falling for it. It was the same as when Tamegoro died. The doctor said that he can ‘finally pass on and no longer suffer’ but what about the others that had been left behind? Weren’t they the ones who pay for the death of their loved ones? Weren’t they the ones who have to suffer over the pain of losing someone they cared about for the rest of their lives?

   He was _this_ close to snapping then, but Katsura cut him off. “Can we see him?”

   “Yes, of course.”

   When they got inside, Katsura and Takasugi were already by Gintoki’s side and Kondo and Shouyou were on the opposite side of the bed. Hijikata, however, remained by the door, fiddling with his thumbs, still unsure what he should say to Gintoki. He watched as Katsura started crying and Takasugi wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his back in comfort.

   Kondo was already snot-faced, murmuring incoherent words. Shouyou remained silent, watching them quietly, and saying words to Gintoki in his head, most likely. Hijikata had no idea what they were talking about, what they were saying, because all he could think about as he walked slowly towards them was how peaceful Gintoki looked in his sleep. There was a tube taped on the corner of his mouth, probably to help him breathe. He looked at Gintoki’s pale face, how little colour there was on his lips, his silver hair lying flat on his head, and the slow rise and fall of his chest.

   He supposed Takasugi and Katsura stepped aside to let him stroke Gintoki’s smooth and soft jaw, to let him move Gintoki’s hair away from his eyes, and to let him grab Gintoki’s cold hands. Hijikata intertwined their fingers together and squeezed, but felt a crushing sadness when he didn’t get a response.

   “H..Hey,” his voice cracked. “You look like you’ve just gone through hell.” He laughed humourlessly. But he continued, “The doctor said you might not make it to tomorrow so we have to say our goodbyes to you. You know, I feel like she’s just messing with me. Wasn’t it just yesterday when you were laughing with me, on the roof top, when we were dancing and you tripped? H-How did it end up like this? How is it that you’re lying here, on the verge of death, when we were so happy yesterday?

   “Gintoki. I know I’m being selfish but try to fight this, won’t you? I…I promised you I’d find a way to save you. I’m still keeping that promise. I – we – want you to live, Gintoki. It won’t be the same without you here. It won’t be the same everyday if I don’t get to hear your stupid laugh and argue back and forth then brush it off like nothing. It won’t be the same every day without your ugly mug annoying the shit out of us. So…so fight it, won’t you? You’re strong, aren’t you? You’ve fought hard and long for ten fucking years Gintoki, so I believe you can get through this. So why aren’t you responding? Why aren’t you responding?!” He shouted out the last line and by that time, he was crying hard.

    It took him a few moments before he could calm down again and spoke again: “Gintoki. Have I ever told you I love you? I love you, Gintoki. So fucking much. So please. Please. _Don’t leave me._ ” He stopped, tears streaming down his face. He looked at Gintoki again, wishing that he would open those eyes of his. But he knew that the possibility of that is little. He would never see those eyes of his again. He would never hear his laugh, never hear him play the piano again, never feel his lips pressed against his own, never see him smile again.

   Hijikata was breathing harshly. Every breath he took felt like he was inhaling fire. Since when did it hurt to breathe? His hands shook as it hovered above Gintoki’s chest and pressed his palm there, waiting intently until he could feel the very, very faint beating of Gintoki’s heart. “Y-You said you won’t go anywhere until this heart of yours stops beating, didn’t you? So why aren’t you responding? _Why aren’t you saying anything?_ ”

   Then as if on cue, he felt the slightest of movement, and saw Gintoki’s eyes open. The others around him gasped. Gintoki’s eyes studied everyone’s faces and, finally, rested on Hijikata’s. He could see the effort it took Gintoki alone to keep his eyes open.

    Gintoki uttered but one word: “P…Please…”

    Hijikata knew what that meant and it hurt. It hurt so much to see Gintoki give up after fighting for ten years, it hurt to see someone as strong and as brave as Gintoki to give up and let go. But he knew – he knew if Gintoki held on much longer, it was going to hurt him and everyone else to see Gintoki suffering. It had hurt when he witnessed his mom and his brother suffer, and he knew, more than anyone else in this room perhaps, just how much of a torture it is to watch someone you love and care about to suffer from an illness while do nothing in return. He knew, more than anyone else, that it was torture to be helpless. And Gintoki understood that. Perhaps his mom and his brother had too. Maybe that’s why, after holding on for so long, they let go because they don’t want to hurt anyone any longer.

    And so Hijikata squeezed Gintoki’s hand and pressed a light kiss to it and, even though it pained him to, he said: “Everyone important to me has left me but if it’s you, Gintoki, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

    With one final contented smile, Gintoki closed his eyes.

 

**_AFTER:_ **

 

    Sakata Gintoki’s funeral was held a few days later after his death. Hijikata’s emotions were all over the place. He felt pain because the only man he ever loved was gone, angry that the world had taken someone important to him away again, but mostly he felt regret. He regretted the fact that he had broken their promise. He’d promised him he’d find a way to save Gintoki, but in the end, a moment of hesitation led Gintoki to his demise.

   Takasugi, along with Katsura, entered the room just then, and Hijikata didn’t know who looked shittier: the two of them or him. Katsura’s face was all puffy from the crying, no doubt, but at least he’d tied his hair up in a ponytail. Takasugi was the epitome of ‘looking like shit’. His hair was tousled, dark bags circled his red eyes and he looked like he hadn’t slept for days. Hijikata couldn’t blame him though, none of them have slept properly ever since Gintoki died.

   Katsura whispered something in Takasugi’s ear and hurried away, seemingly forgotten something. Takasugi sat next to him, fiddling with his fingers. Hijikata could feel the tension rising between them. The hollowness of Gintoki’s death hit all of them especially hard. Gintoki had been buried hours ago, yet the realization of the fact that he was gone, had only hit them now.

    Hijikata lit up a cigarette as he said, “You know I…I was planning to donate my heart to Gintoki. If I hadn’t hesitated, I would’ve saved him. I would’ve kept my promise to him.”

    Takasugi laughed dryly. “You would’ve given him another disease since you smoke a lot.” Then his face fell. “I was the most compatible with him, y’know? I would’ve donated mine in a heartbeat. But he never would’ve permitted it. I imagine he’d say, ‘are you stupid? Never!’ He’s as stubborn as a mule, that Gintoki. Even if he had to, even if it was the last option, he would never agree to it because he’d rather die than let someone he cared about sacrifice themselves for him.”

    “But - !”

    “Listen, Hijikata. You’re annoying and I don’t like you, but I know Gintoki. If you had donated your heart, it would’ve torn him apart. So continue living, Hijikata. For Gintoki. So that his memory would live in our hearts forever.”

    Hijikata kept quiet and bit his lip. He had about a hundred more to say to Takasugi, and about a million more to Gintoki, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want Gintoki to just be a memory.

   Then Katsura entered the room, holding what seemed to be letters in his right hand. He waved at their direction before swiftly making his way towards them.

   “Shouyou-sensei told me to give this to you,” Katsura said, handing him a small white envelope. He handed one to Takasugi too.

    “What’s this?” Takasugi turned the envelope in his hands.

    “They’re letters from Gintoki.”

    Without another word, Hijikata tore it open and started reading.

 

_Dear Hijikata,_

_If you’re reading this, that means I’ve passed on and I’m sorry. It’s currently three am and I can’t sleep. I’m writing this because I thought this would never get in your hands. There’s still a lot of unspoken words between us; there’s a lot of things I want to tell you, but I wanted to wait until I’m out of the hospital, when I’m healthy. Otherwise, everything would be broken promises, and would only wound up to hurt you. I guess if you’re reading this, that means I’ve failed to keep my promise of not leaving you._

_Spending long nights by myself in the hospital does wonders for my brain. I can’t sleep and all I can think about is how much I miss you. I know – you see me practically every day when you visit me here, but I can’t help it, y’know? I’m really lonely. But times like these, I think about a lot of things. About dad, about Takasugi, Zura, Sakamoto – heck even that gorilla. And us. I think about us._

_You know, people say that if two people were meant for each other, they’ll always find a way to be together. I wonder if we’re like that. Or maybe it was just a coincidence. A coincidence that I got adopted into the Yoshida family, a coincidence that I have this rotten heart disease, and a coincidence that I met you. Sometimes I marvel about what could’ve been if we had never met. If you hadn’t existed in my life; and I to yours. Would we still be us? Or would we have been completely two different people?_

_Sorry. I know I’m yapping here and I’m saying things I would never say, but it’s late at night and I’m a bit wonky here. Is this what it feels like to be drunk? I can’t say because I’ve never taken a sip of alcohol in my life._

_I have a lot of things I wish I could’ve done with you. I told myself that when I get out of this hospital, the first thing I’d do is take you out on a date. A_ proper _one. I’ll probably be really nervous because I’ve never been on a date and I’m really sloppy with these things. Knowing myself, I’d probably bring you something really cliché like chocolate or something. Then you’ll complain and say that nothing tastes good without mayonnaise, then you’ll proceed on eating them covered in mayo, while I complain about how you’re ruining the taste._

_If there’s one thing that I don’t regret, it’s falling in love with you. I’m extremely grateful for having someone like you in these short years that I’ve lived. I truly am. Hijikata, I know you don’t believe it, and I know you think you don’t deserve it, but it wasn’t hard to love you. Not at all. Because if it weren’t for you, I never would have experienced things such as love – something I’ve always been scared of. So thank you. Thank you, Hijikata, for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for loving me despite our shortcomings. Thank you for making me happy even though our time was short._

_I love you._

_Always,_

_Your Gintoki_

 

 

**_-END-_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand we're done! It's been a long and hellish ride with this fanfic; I've shed a lot of tears, lost a lot of sleep, lost a lot of motivation and even nearly gave up on it, but we're finally done! I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THIS CHAPTER IT TOOK ME TWO OR SO MONTHS TO WRITE THIS DOWN BECAUSE THE ENDING WAS SOMETHING I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN. Oh my God. I'm actually crying right now. 
> 
> I'm...I'm gonna go now.


End file.
